School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

Hidden cameras are cheap and relatively easy to set up.

I think in the short term he needs to go and live with his dad for a while to give you and your other dc a break and so that his father experiences what he’s really like.

Send him to his dads and see if he magically behaves himself?

I don't say you have done anything wrong in your job.

I'm saying that it's quite common for children with autism to behave differently at home than at school. It's a known phenomenon.

I don’t know about this OP, but it’s overwhelmingly obvious in many cases from someone’s writing style, or themes and situations that are repeated, even when they’re presented from another angle, or reversed.

What is Dad doing differently that is working for your DS? Can you try to replicate whatever is happening there?

Schools can struggle to help families where the children mask successfully all day at school - I’m a teacher and when are asked for our part of a CAMHS referral, for example, we can’t lie! So if the child is masking successfully at school then we have to write that they don’t show the behaviours that Mum sees.

Sometimes the child does “let it out” because Mum is the safe space. However, sometimes Mum just has poor parenting boundaries, or the relationship with the child has broken down. No one can say which situation this is without seeing what’s happening and how the OP is responding.

Could you and your ex look into parenting classes aimed at ASD children? The strategies can be very different especially if child has a PDA profile.

If he behaves at his Dad's would his Dad have him over Xmas so your other son can have a decent Xmas? Longer term you could self refer to SS and ask for a SW or a family worker to take him out once a week. You'd have to pay for it.

It sounds like this has come at the right time, no one deserves to live in an abusive environment; whether that’s from your child or someone else.

You say your child’s father takes him constantly to an inappropriate environment with alcohol and presumably some unsavoury people. You need to stop contact if he’s exposing your vulnerable child to risk. Your child is easy prey for bad people there.

You need to protect your other children.

I think it’s time to be very honest with the school and child protection services, tell them everything. See what they can offer you.

Thwbschp are right to raise concerns about his home life, it sounds appalling.

Your youngest child is living I fear, and will likely grow up to resent you - rightly so - unless you deal with it before your son goes through puberty.

Put covert cameras in the blind spots and don't let him know they're there.

Or just make sure there are no blind spots with more visible cameras.

It sounds incredibly exhausting and stressful.

I remember watching a programme a while ago about a family where the son was like this, I can't remember what he was diagnosed with, but as he got older the family actually feared for their lives so I hope you get some serious help and respite.

Ffs this comes up every time there is a similar thread it's not thst easy just to put a child in care if you cant offer any sensible advice you should just read and run.

You have my sympathies. Maybe keep a log of his behaviour over Christmas for the meeting? I have a profoundly autistic relative who eventually moved into a care setting as living in the home was causing stress they couldn't communicate and they acted out physically. Obviously I'm not suggesting this as an option for you, but to realise that sometimes it's nothing you've done wrong that causes destructive behaviour. Go to the meeting with the mindset they're there to help you and both of your children, see what they suggest.

This.

SS are viewed as the enemy. That's not true. They are there to help address problems.

If he's doing this at home then it could be because he feels secure with you and he's taking out the frustration on you that he bottles up from other situations.

That's consistent with some sort of neuro-diversity issue.

You won't be the only one in this situation.

My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately this should have been set up before the volatile behaviour started getting out of control because he sounds like he lies compulsively. This footage should be shown to the GP and social services so they can get the help you need. Otherwise it might be seen that you are actually doing what your son says you’re doing, but you are saying that it’s all him as there isn’t any evidence to support your claims. You and your youngest need a break and hopefully your son can get some brief respite with a change of scenery at his father’s place. School need to be on board so they too can support you as they have the best interest for your son at heart.

What’s the current split of time between you and his dad? What about the younger child?

Several people have asked if dad can be the resident parent which you haven’t replied to, it seems a sensible option. Are there other children at dad’s?

You’re all struggling terribly and it sounds like the younger child is living in a war zone so limiting the time they spend together would help.

There are clearly reasons for concern here, serious ones, but this doesn't mean you are being blamed. You and your child need help, and social services should be able to direct you towards the right support. Or the school might be able to.

It's hard on your own, but setting boundaries and sticking to them is important, as is doing it in a supportive way. I know it's hard, but the 'I'll tell your dad' route is not the way to go. We had some training in therapeutic parenting for very challenging behaviour from my ASD DGD, and it helped a lot. Consistency was one important aspect, another was never directing criticism towards the child, only towards the behaviour. It's truly tough, and I really feel for you dealing with this on your own.

Maybe it would be better if your DS lived with his father for a while, allowing you to focus on your other child. That would give his dad some experience of the kinds of behaviour you are describing and it might give him the push he needs to back you up and devise a joint parenting strategy so your son can stop playing one off against the other.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but the school are concerned and from what you have said so they should be.
You can't carry on as you are, you have another child to think about also, who you said is scared.

They're likely trying to find a way to help, not say you're a bad parent.

Schools often don't put in place the support an autistic child needs because the fallout doesn't happen until the child gets home. Lots of autistic kids mask at school and then fall to pieces once in the safety of their homes. Homel life will be calmer if school life is better supported.

@Smith212 can he live with his Dad? He is severely abusing you and his younger sibling. A bit of space might be good for everyone

@Bollihobs
A school saying a child is 'fine' in school, to a parent of of ASD children is classic. Often they aren't, the school just doesn't have the skills to recognise. Plus how the child acts at home if often different.

I've reported this thread. I'm not happy with the judgemental posts and ASD ignorance towards op.

I agree with @Robotindisguise who sensibly suggests mnhq needs to step in on threads like this.

First up install a lock on your bedroom so that he cannot destroy your clothing

Take the school meeting as being a good thing OP. Tell them what you have told us. You need help and his sibling needs support. Hopefully this could be an opening to get these things for you. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

If a serious allegation had been made then this meeting wouldn’t wait until after Christmas so please stop worrying he has accused you of something.

You and your son sound like you need help so try to view this meeting as a positive, there obviously are lots of concerns about how your son is behaving at home which you clearly share too, it sounds like you are finding it difficult to cope and you want help. Use this meeting to be honest about how he behaves and how you respond. The aim of the meeting will be to help your son and the situation at home, not to vilify or accuse you. Listen to the advice suggested in the meeting and accept any support offered.

In the meantime I would look at trying to get some evidence of your son’s behaviour over the next two weeks so that you can share it at the meeting. Keep a diary, ideally using the ABC method - Antecedent, Behaviour, Consequence.
Antecedent - what was happening before the behaviour? Include what he was doing and also environmental factors (eg: was it noisy, was his sibling in the room), include whether any demands were being placed on him at the time.
Behaviour - what was the behaviour you saw? Hitting? Swearing? Ripping clothes? Hiding items? Self-injury? Be clear about exactly what he did.
Consequence - What happened afterwards? This doesn’t mean how did you punish him, it means what was the result of his behaviour. It may have been he hit his sibling, his sibling cried and moved away from the TV and so he got to change the channel to something he wanted to watch. Usually behaviour will have a function, he won’t be doing things for no reason, keeping a diary will help to see any patterns to his behaviour and also if there is any function to them. It probably won’t be as obvious as to get control of the TV but that’s why a detailed diary using the ABC method will help when you share it with professionals who are experienced in unpicking behaviour.

If you are able to film anything that will help. It’s not uncommon for children with ASD to behave differently in different settings, this will not be the first time the professionals involved have seen a child who behaves well in school but struggles to manage and becomes deregulated at home. Your situation is hard but it is not unheard of and there will be things you can do to help.

From an immediate practical point of view if your son is running your clothes and getting into the freezer I would start by using locks to stop this. Put a lock on the kitchen door and a lock on your bedroom door so that he does not have unsupervised access to these rooms.

A TAF meeting is all about putting in support.

I think most people would be worried about social services involvement and what it will mean but the best course of action is to work with them. If you get any choice of professional, please ask for one with asd experience and, pda experience.i am not saying your child has pda, but just in case it's relevant, they have different parenting requirements.

I dont think cameras are sensible at all.