School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

He's 9?

Jesus.

I'd be putting a lock on my bedroom door and keeping all my stuff in there.

You and your h need to be on the same page re parenting him.

Where has all his anger come from, and why is he so focused on you? It sounds horrendous. And your poor younger dc.

You do need help. I'd be begging for help and taking all the help I could get.

Good luck.

That's not the way it work,s have a look at " the coke bottle affect" .

Maybe it’s time for him to live with his dad full time

I think they're right to flag it up, but it could be a blessing in disguise, and lead to more help.
My twins are 10, and one (t1) was diagnosed with autism and severe learning disabilities, the other (t2) has been on the pathway for years now. T1 is exactly the same wherever he is, which is why he was so easy to diagnosis. He trashes everything and is becoming aggressive.
T1, masks something chronic at school, so it's been harder to get him help. Of course where he's masking, he's saving it up for when he's home (the coke bottle effect), and so there's lots of verbal aggression etc. He is only like that with me, because he feels safe. He knows that, no matter what he does, he'll still be loved, and he won't be physically punished, or punished in an unfair way.
Your son obviously doesn't feel safe enough with his dad and is masking.
Unfortunately this does make it look as if it is your fault, at least to people who don't really understand what this life is like.

My best friends have sons the same age, and they're all ND too. When they go to each other's houses on their own, (i.e. without me) they're as good as gold!

I've had social services involved for pretty much all of my kids' lives. Occasionally due to a malicious report, occasionally due to neighbours not understanding, once due to child protection (my mental health was shocking, and I had no idea how to parent), and now we have a disability social worker for T1. They have been nothing but helpful, and have opened the door to help and advice that we never would have had otherwise.

I'm wondering if your son has a diagnosis of ODD or PDA. Even if not, the PDA website has a lot of good advice for kids like ours, it's called PANDA. And also have a look at the book The Explosive Child by Ross W. Green, it also has a lot of insight and good advice.

And tell the truth about DS' dad, they may want to consider whether he is safe with him.

So please try not to worry, they can see when a parent is trying hard and nothing is working. They might have some ideas that you haven't thought of.

What youre suggesting literally doesn't exist

I can't wait to see what support is actually offered to op.
Bet it will be nothing useful.

How awful for all of you to live like this.
Embrace the help and support now, because ds is going to get bigger and things will become harder. Intervention now is just what you need.
Your younger son sounds terrified.

Like where ???
I have a severely autistic son I now get two over nights respite a month he's 14 and it's taken ten years to get overnight respite.

The reason for TAF should have been “concerns about his behaviour at home” which sets a neutral blame free context.
and not “concerns about his home life” -

Approach this as you seeking help your help and support from the professional network to understand what is the motivation behind his behaviour and understand what strategies work at school/dad and that you want support at home. Ask for some OT input as sounds like ripping could havd sensory element and he could benefit from sensory strategies. Ask if there are any specialist behaviour support teams in the area you can be referred to. Have you got a named worker in social care ?

Personally I would be moving him into his father’s house for a while. He needs some discipline and boundaries.

You tell him that his behaviour is "nasty".
My goodness, he must be shaking in his boot!

Agreed ,probably Triple P or other Parenting courses .

Yes. Here, children with disabilities can access short breaks. However, it's usually severe LD, severe physical disability etc. Unfortunately resources do not exist for respite for every child with additional needs who's parents are struggling

He knows the blind spots I'm sorry I don't buy this

In what way is it unrealistic? Not being goady and you aren’t the only person to say something like this so there’s clearly some validity to it.

I used to work with a woman whose DS had to be taken into care because the rest of her DC were considered at risk by SS.

A good friend fosters and currently has a seven year old boy living with her after his parents told SW they could no longer cope.

Sure if a parent drops a child at SS office or refuses to collect from school, a space has to be found for them? What has been your experience of what happens if not this? It seems awfully unfair on children and families alike.

But why point it out? If an OP name-changes, surely they have their reasons. Were it the case in this instance, what could OP feasibly stand to gain? It neither adds or takes away from what she is sharing, so the kind and supportive thing is to accept in good faith. I can't stand this kind of 'calling out'; just respond -or don't‐ but afford a struggling parent the dignity of her anonymity.

Well, quite. But you just have to go through the hoops sometimes. Services get cross is you dont engage

I actually found one parenting course I was sent on really useful. It was run by the OT team at the hospital.

OP and her other child are in a living hell. The child needs to be taken out of this situation. Why can't he live with his father.

No thats the wrong way around

Concerns about his behaviour puts the blame on the child.

Whereas concerns about his home life is factual, his own expeirence and that of the family around him while at home is negative and concerning. It doesnt say why or where its coming from.

I will be honest: accept all the involvement anyone can do , and yes, put inside cctv ....you literally do not have home life left of any kind. A stranger's involvement is not going to feel intrusive to you but might actually help

I would see it as a good thing that you might get some support.

Who else lives in your home? I'm wondering if you have a partner & DS is finding this difficult? Is his sibling a step or half sibling & he is possibly jealous?

Do you think he likes the routine at school?

Just because someone you used to work with has a son who went into residential school
Doesn't mean the Op s son will be offered anywhere near thst
Residential schools do exist but they eye watering expensive and are available for only children with the most complex of needs
As the Ops child's school currently don't see a problem (and this is common)
Then it's completely unrealistic prospect right now.

You said care very different to the other parent.

But he does behave at school and with dad.
being a violent brute at 9 to his mother and sibling/s he can learn to behave.

Or better, go and live with his dad.

He behaves there.

Maybe he and his mother clash

Maybe they just meet head on - it sounds horrendous-

At 9 his mother needs to her a hold of managing techniques for this behaviour otherwise he’s going to be hurting people as a teenager- and that isn’t many years away once testosterone kicks in.

It’s probably something she’s doing that triggers this behaviour- like meeting shouts with shouts or similar.

If the behaviours can’t be managed, he needs to live with Dad.

I would agree with this generally, I do find it concerning that DC is calculating enough to work out the camera blind spots and confines their outbursts to the blind spots. That speaks to planning and deliberation, which would be atypical. Depending on the ASD it is possible to be a child with ASD who is also behaving badly with intent - a tricky judgement that’s not possible to work out on Mumsnet obvs, but certainly something OP needs to be thinking about, as I’m sure she is.