School raised concerns over childs home life

[Smith212]

For some context my child is 9 asd diagnosed and has had very destructive behaviour only towards me and my home for years now. Co parent situation. My child literally rules me. Breaks my things, rips ALL of my clothes, empties liquids everywhere, destroys his siblings clothes, belongings etc, empties freezer fridges etc and puts the contents in household items such as desks drawers etc. Is physically and verbally abusive to me, very angry in general and defiant won't do a thing I say. If I say something like I'll have to tell dad about you pushing and hitting me it can't carry on (his dad's useless but when I'm desperate he is my only go to to get my child to listen) he will say things like I'll tell him you pushed and hit me he will believe me. I feel totally trapped. So he ends up just getting away with everything. I try consequence no tv etc or no I'm not getting you that new thing you asked for etc.... but nothing works. He has no respect or care for me. His school in so many words told me he's great at school and his dad's so it's my problem. All of the sudden get an email for a taf for concerns around his home life and no information. So have all christmas now to think what on earth has he said now. His dad takes I'm to a dodgy pub 24/7 but you can bet it's me in the firing line. I am no saint, especially as my child Never admits to all of these things which frustrates me more especially when I have nothing to wear for work as it's all been ripped even underwear etc. So yes sometimes I raise my voice- but everything I say he twists and turns. I told him that him ripping my last outfit was nasty behaviour and he wasn't being a nice boy, he turned that in to telling his dad I said I wish he wasn't born and I don't want him over Xmas.... like what the hell can I do!!!???? I have a younger child in this mix who is scared and apologises every time he sneezes I'm worried about his future too. I am hurt that his school and his dad don't seem to believe me (why on earth would I lie about any of this!!??) And now want this meeting... I'm wondering what it could be about and what I'll be accused of next. I am just trying to work and support my kids and I not even allowed to do that. Any insight advice words etc, please.

But the OP has stated that the behaviour is "only at home and towards me" that's from her not the school.

Could he live with his dad (I know you say he’s useless but it seems he’s more settled there for some reason - maybe due to no other siblings). It will give you and your other child a much needed break. It sounds awful and the moment.

Thank God for you x

Thank you he stays there a lot right now so we can have a break and then when I see my child I can work on our relationship- silly things like time just us 2 playing games he likes etc sneaky hot chocolate before bed and a chat- I'm really trying just sometimes works sometimes doesn't I guess

The current circumstances around your home life sound chaotic. It’s extremely frightening for all of your children to have clothes ripped up and things destroyed. There needs to be an immediate intervention as your DS will very soon hit puberty and his mood will worsen. Take all the advice, help and resources you can. Intervention early is key. Would your ex consider parenting classes, along side you? This could work so you both have the same parenting style, creating a firm and strong boundary between parents and children. Kids need familiarity.

Autistic children often mask outside their home and then let it all out once they feel safe at home with their primary care giver

Yes i think the poster is saying typical of a school to say that.

What’s your relationship like with his dad? What happens at dad’s home that is different from being with you? It would be helpful to find out what helps for your son so he can feel better regulated when he’s with you.

OP, I hear that you're struggling. Like really really struggling. If I were you I would have contacted SS myself because clearly your son is unwell and your family life is hell. You definitely need some intervention for your family. Please see this meeting as a way to get some help.

As suggested up thread, get locks on doors, fridge and cupboards etc.

Otherwise, put your younger DC first and ask for the eldest to be taken into care.

So, @Smith212 are you saying the school are saying he’s fine at home but you think they are lying?

I think you and your other child should live separately from DH and problem child.

Or problem child should go into a residential home.

Oh my God what a binfire this thread is. I think it’s time @mnhq put a standard notice on SEN threads rather than allowing uninformed abuse. @Smith212 does your son’s ASD diagnosis include PDA? If he was diagnosed younger with fewer demands it might not have been apparent. Have a look online at Eliza Fricker’s site and her books / courses. If he’s masking in school and freaking out at home, are things calmer in the holidays?

That’s good. Has your ex been invited to the meeting too? I do think him living away for a bit and you guys having one on one time will really help. I also think social services are not the miracle workers they are sometimes described as on here - they are so overstretched and they won’t necessarily offer loads of help. But if you and tour ex can sort the living arrangements that is good. It may be that he just needs one on one attention that you can’t give due to his younger sibling. And obviously you have the younger one to think of too - the solution can’t be that he has to suffer so that his brother can stay in your home at all costs.

Also people who claim that posters have posted before under a different name are so annoying- you literally don’t know that (unless the writing style is incredibly distinct or the facts so unusual).

Put locks on bedroom doors for starters.

It's a classic situation with children diagnosed with autism. Really eveyone working with these children are aware of it.

But I assume that the school has told her this. She isn't present at school so is only saying what she has been told.

Im a bit confused about why you think this meeting is a negative thing or has 'come out the blue' when you yourself say you have been asking for help, isnt this surely in response to that?

The child doesnt need to have said anything about you specifcially in terms of your parenting, but to simply describe the home conditions will tell anyone that there are concerns about the home experience, for him, for you, for the other children. Thats a fact isnt it?

Accept the help and engage fully with them.

You can’t carry on like this. What will happen when he’s older and physically stronger?

Agree with others: would it be possible for him to live with his dad for a while at least? On the meantime, you can work on getting the help you need to put systems in place?
I've got 0 experience or knowledge about this, but I'm really sorry for you and both of your children, and I see the situation is unsustainable 🙏

The terminology and the timing may be unsettling, but this could actually be an opportunity that you've been asking for. A TAF meeting means people have recognised that you and both your DCs are in difficulty and need help.

Rather than going in to defend yourself, this is a time to gather your evidence - what is happening to all of you, what you've tried, what you feel you need to help each of you. Get photos and videos of the damage, audio recordings etc. Get records together of courses and groups you've tried and how they helped or didn't.

I’m a teacher working with ‘these’ children. If a child’s behaviour is challenging, I tell their parents, I’m not going to tell them they are fine and had a good day, if they bit someone/destroyed their belongings.

Hi OP,

I have had a quick read through and wanted to comment here as you’ll be worrying about this over Christmas I’m sure. Firstly , what you are describing can be very common for families where there are competing needs. You haven’t said what school provision your child has but I would assume they have additional support and an EHCP. I am a psychologist and often work with families like yours.

A TAF meeting is very much a supportive space- I am shocked and surprised if you haven’t had one of these before, it’s just good practice to have them between services to ensure we are provide the care that’s needed. If you’ve been asking for help this is the way you get it really. I’m sorry they’ve made you feel as though there is something wrong here. What you describe is a difficult home situation, I don’t think anybody is necessarily saying you’ve done anything wrong, but ultimately the hope is that with extra support in the home and changes to approaches to parenting, that this might stop happening. Often it can be easy to feel defensive and take this as a criticism to parenting- but it can be extremely difficult to parent a neurodiverse child without support and you will need support and education to understand specifically how you need to approach your own child. Often things are worse at home because a child feels safer there. But also if things are wildly different between settings we would want to make sure everyone is very consistently approaching the child in the same way. Just as a side note, some of the ways you have apprached this so far (as you have described in your post) , are unlikely to work and wouldn’t be how we might approach managing the behaviour if we were working together, so it does sound like there are things that you can work on at home (with the right support). That isn’t to say you’ve done anything wrong, as you’re just approaching this using the normal way most people would approach their child- it just won’t work in this case.

I would imagine following the TAC you will have additonal support in place and there will be another meeting planned to review progress. The hope is for you to leave feeling more supported, honestly it sounds as though what you have been asking for has finally been recognised.

I think social services involvement isn't necessarily bad. If he is that chaotic at home, then atleast for your other child. Social services job is to support the family unit and it's not working you trying to do this alone. What your having to deal with is rough and you can only do for so long and still be sane! I would be ripping their arm off for what support you can get for all of you.

Also keep evidence, photos, take videos of him ripping your clothes ect. Send the videos straight to somebody you trust/ secure email or backed up somewhere he can't access so he can't delete them off your phone.

Also ask school what they implement at school and how that works see if they can support and be onboard.

A lot of times children let all their emotions out in the place they feel safe, so he might be good at school and at dad's because he's holding it in, when he's at your house that's when all those emotions are released because he knows he can and you will still be there. I know it's not much comfort but a lot of times it's the child's only way to try and regulate whatever is going on, so is there any external support for him? Can social services/ school help with this? Don't take this as everyone is against me, use it as a yes there is a problem how can you help because I'm struggling.

@Smith212 Crikey OP, it sounds like you've been dealing with hell - I completely understand how you must be feeling. I haven't read everyone's post, but I have read all of yours so it's clear someone has already suggested hidden cameras in the house to prove you're not lying about how bad your DS is at home and whilst you have some, he knows where they are and you can't afford more right now. When he's next acting up, could you covertly record him on your phone? (Not video, obviously, just audio?) Just to get some evidence of the way he speaks to you? As someone else has suggested, if he's OK at his dad's maybe the solution is for him to live there FT and your other DC live FT with you?