To think she could have made an effort for 5 minutes?

[1Rainynights]

I'll start off by saying that I haven't said anything/told this person how I feel and I won't either, before anyone jumps on me. I just wanted to get other peoples opinions.

I'm making my rounds this week, dropping off presents to family and friends. The days running up to Christmas will be busy, the same for everyone I'm sure. I'm also working until Christmas Eve and wanted to get things done early rather than running around like a headless chicken the day before

I bought some presents for my friend's children and asked her last week if I could pop by on Thursday (yesterday) which she said yes to as she had no plans. I wanted to give plenty of notice as I know everyone is busy this time of year. I messaged her yesterday morning to check all was ok and she replied that she was having a lazy day with the kids and could I come on the weekend instead. I already have plans this weekend and wasn't sure if I'd have enough time (she lives an hour away). I mentioned this and just asked if I could leave them by the front door instead which she agreed to. She messaged me a couple of hours later saying thanks.

AIBU to think this is a bit, well, shit? I'm pretty sure they were sat in the living room when I dropped them off. I'm not sure I could just sit there and not even say hello if a friend was outside my house. I understand it was my choice to get them something, but if someone had made the effort for my kids, I'd certainly acknowledge/speak to them, even if it was just for 5 minutes. Being ill or having something crop up is of course different situation, but they were literally just sat on the couch watching a film by the looks of it...

Did she leave a present on the doorstep for you to collect your son? Or do you not have anything for your son from her this year?

That’s you though.

Last Christmas I genuinely wasn’t in a fit state mentally to give anyone a cup of tea.

Just what I was thinking
She'd be in her pjs - no make up
I wouldn't have open the door either

YABU. She told you she was busy and that it wasn’t a good day and you suggested you could just drop them at the door, which she agreed to. If you weren’t happy with dropping them off without an invite in you shouldn’t have suggested dropping them off. I wouldn’t want to have to stand in the doorway and chat to somebody in this cold weather and I also wouldn’t want to invite someone into my home if I hadn’t cleaned it in advance of their arrival. She was obviously not up for a visitor, which is completely reasonable, and she did let you know this in advance.

You sound like you find it hard to accept people’s boundaries as your friend clearly told you she wasn’t up for a visitor, you suggested you could go and just drop without contact but you’re now upset that when you went to do so she didn’t let you in. This suggests to me it was your hope all along that, despite saying no to a visit, she would end up feeling obliged once you got there and let you in. She stuck to her boundary which is completely reasonable and you can’t now feel annoyed that you weren’t able to overstep. Hopefully you’ve learnt a lesson that when people say no they mean no, and don’t suggest an alternative to get them to say yes if you’re then going to be annoyed that you can’t then find a way to overstep.

I came here to say the same: it was you who decided to buy the gifts and it suited you to give them that specific day. She told you she already had plans (what do you know about the circumstances of their day? Maybe she needed that moment with their children for important reasons, you don't need to be so dismissive). So you offered that weird alternative (again because it suited you). And she accepted. And then you come here to ridicule her.
The whole point of gift giving is that it's not about the one who gives, lady!

What is she like as a friend normally?

Is it possible that she just doesn't want to encourage the present giving? Maybe she didn't want to meet you because she didn't want to have to go out and buy presents for your kids before you got there.

None of my friends give Christmas presents to each others kids. It seems a bit much.

@invisiblebark she does normally. There wasn't anything on the doorstep though but that doesn't mean to say she hasn't got him anything.

I think posters might be right in saying that she doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore, which is absolutely fine. I understand the pressure financially. I think next year I won't buy anything (or maybe wait to see if she gets us something first) hopefully then she won't feel pressured to buy us presents.

Is she a mumsnetter, not opening the door 🤣

Maybe she forgot that your were calling by and when you messaged she could have been knee deep in a messy house and thought that there'd be no way she could have it looking presentable by 12.

I would have pressed my face up against the window with a huge smile shouting " I can see you"

I would've refused and said it's today or after Xmas now, as you can imagine we're all so busy. Then just give them next time you see her. I would not be travelling that far without even going in for a cup of tea, unless it was on my way somewhere else.

I'm in agreement with the people who've pointed out that she told you she wasn't up for it and you pushed back and then did it anyway.

I know it looks and feels like kindness because it involves giving a present, but it's not kindness to give someone a present they don't want at time that doesn't work for them. She put a boundary in place and you bulldozered through it then felt hurt when she didn't react the way you felt she should.

Yes she was rude. She was uncommunicative all the way through the process, knowing that you had to travel an hour to get there. You'd have to be in one hell of a state, mentally or physically, to not even wave out the bloody window at your friend who had gone to the trouble of dropping presents off for your kids. There is no indication that she was utterly incapacitated. She was being entitled and lazy but that's the way the world seems to be going.

I agree with this reply. Sadly we have to evaluate friendships from time to time. You have learnt a lesson here. Not a nice one actually a sad one. But try to move on from it and know that this extremely kind gesture was received in a very disrespectful way.

Yep
She tried to be assertive by saying no and op came anyway.
No is a complete sense - mn special.

OP made it clear that she was also visiting friends in the area, and it was therefore convenient for her to drop off the presents at this time.

Everything can be true at the same time: OP was just following their custom of gifts, friend might have needed/wanted a private down day, and it was rude and unfriendly not to open the door, make a small fuss, offer use of the bathroom and a cup of tea.

I would reconsider gifts and going out f my way for this family. I don’t think you matter as much to her as she matters to you.

To be honest I know some people who get no time all year- literally all their life is work, dropping kids places etc etc so yes I think they were rude but I get it if they’re sitting in there and the parent is wrecked beyond wrecked and sitting there finally getting time with their kids in the daytime. Or mh issues, place is a tip etc etc. but these would be unusual- but I’d get it then.

She said no on the morning of the agreed meet up after prompting by the OP - a friend from out of town who'd already arranged to be in town that day. She then offered a half-arsed excuse. Rude.

To me it sounds like she was perhaps having a bad day and didn't feel up to seeing you. If this is out of character for her give her the benefit of the doubt. It is Christmas after all!

good point - maybe she was embarrassed she didn't have gifts to give you?

Unless I am seeing someone Xmas day I am very unlikely to buy anyone a gift - certainly not kids of "friends".

I'd have just said I'd drop the presents off in the new year when you next meet up then. Kids love a late present and it wouldn't have been weird then. She could have a mental health problem, or could have a super heavy period she doesn't wAnt to talk about or anything similar. But she gave you a clear boundary. She's not in the right as she didn't let you no until you messaged her, but not coming to the door when she said she wouldn't isnt that unreasonable.

Could the issue be that she hasn't bought for your child yet and didn't want to answer empty handed?

Generally speaking if people say don't visit, I'm not a fan of other people deciding 5 minutes won't hurt, or it's only me, or I should be an exception for..reasons. However, in this case your friend had agreed to you coming and she changed her mind so it was up to her to put herself out a bit to accommodate you.

@WhatUSeeIsWhatUGet I think you've twisted the situation slightly. I had already contacted her the week before and asked if Thursday was ok, did she have any plans etc. She said no, come over. I certainly didn't drop it on her without any notice. I then messaged her that morning to ask was it still ok (baring in mind I was suppose to be going there 3 hours later) which is when she said she wanted a lazy day. I don't think she was going to communicate this to me, it was only because I checked so I'm not sure what would have happened if I'd just turned up as planned. I'd already arranged to visit family in that area and I was unable to make multiple trips, hence asking if it was ok to just drop them off at the door instead. I also don't think everything is about me, thanks for your input though.

Is she a bit chaotic and disorganised usually? If yes, she might have put you off due to yhe house being a mess? Nit an excuse but to keep in mind that it's not you, it's her. Is she ND?
Regarding presents, perhaps just ask before yhe next Xmas season starts whether she wants to continue with exchanging gifts. Or mention that you will be buying small gifts but don't expect anything back / or gifts for kids only?
Either way, she should have opened the door. But I've been in a state where I couldn't face anyone, no matter how nice the person behind the door is...

i know about MH I had a massive nervous breakdown 7 years ago and I now have agoraphobia, anxiety, CPTSD panic attacks etc.

But if I honestly couldn’t see my friend I would have told them why in advance.