To think she could have made an effort for 5 minutes?

[1Rainynights]

I'll start off by saying that I haven't said anything/told this person how I feel and I won't either, before anyone jumps on me. I just wanted to get other peoples opinions.

I'm making my rounds this week, dropping off presents to family and friends. The days running up to Christmas will be busy, the same for everyone I'm sure. I'm also working until Christmas Eve and wanted to get things done early rather than running around like a headless chicken the day before

I bought some presents for my friend's children and asked her last week if I could pop by on Thursday (yesterday) which she said yes to as she had no plans. I wanted to give plenty of notice as I know everyone is busy this time of year. I messaged her yesterday morning to check all was ok and she replied that she was having a lazy day with the kids and could I come on the weekend instead. I already have plans this weekend and wasn't sure if I'd have enough time (she lives an hour away). I mentioned this and just asked if I could leave them by the front door instead which she agreed to. She messaged me a couple of hours later saying thanks.

AIBU to think this is a bit, well, shit? I'm pretty sure they were sat in the living room when I dropped them off. I'm not sure I could just sit there and not even say hello if a friend was outside my house. I understand it was my choice to get them something, but if someone had made the effort for my kids, I'd certainly acknowledge/speak to them, even if it was just for 5 minutes. Being ill or having something crop up is of course different situation, but they were literally just sat on the couch watching a film by the looks of it...

Sorry I’m with your friend OP, not everyone has to have the same expectations for Christmas as you. Your friend may be feeling poorly and utterly burnt out and rallying for the final big push and needed to prioritise her own wellbeing. Or as other poster has said she may have stuff going on unbeknownst to you…

By all means be offended by her response but also know that one day you might need a bit of acceptance/ lack of judgement when you don’t do the socially acceptable thing…

She told you on Thursday morning she could no longer do Thursday evening and offered weekend instead - and you still went to her door. You could have met up for gifts after Xmas.

a lazy day with the kids could have been a white lie for a million things and it’s not like she tried to change plans while you were already there. It was hours beforehand.

She was rude. I think I’d stop the presents now, sometimes these things just run their course.

She may be struggling. She may have prioritised her children over tidying her house for half a day. If you're judging her for this and starting a thread, maybe she worries you would judge a messy house.

Absolutely. And to start a thread ...

@magicalmrmistoffelees to be fair though she didn't communicate that to me until I messaged her that morning to ask if it was still ok. I'm not sure she would have either if I hadn't checked first, so what would have happened if I'd just turned up that day and knocked on the door? - I'd already asked the first week before so I didn't just drop it on her.

I had to think about this one. At first glance it does seem a bit mean but it actually all went as arranged - I guess YABU for expecting her to come to the door when she said she wasn’t free.

@Whereis it wasn't in the evening. I messaged her just after 9am and I was suppose to be going there around midday.

Yes, not letting you know in advance would have been extremely rude.
Unless of course she’s got something else going on in her that she didn’t want to share with you, and ‘I want to spend a quiet day with the kids’ was an excuse.

She didn't want to make an effort.
Personally I think she was rude.
She'd had plenty of warning and it's not much effort to chat for 5 minutes.

The daily fail are going to love this thread OP

It’s really rude, pull back see if she makes effort in the relationship going forward xx

I guess you know your friend, and whether she has form for being rude or not. If one of my close friends had done this I’d be more concerned that something had happened/they were struggling in some way and that’s why they didn’t want me popping in. The fact that you’re jumped straight to her being rude over another explanation suggests she has form for that sort of behaviour?

I expect she would have let you in as agreed because she felt she had to, but you offered her an out and for whatever reason she took it.

Oh, and isn't he bitter! Read the thread on AMA. He's not quite as jolly as we've all been led to believe. That said, at least he gets mince pies at each house!

I’m a bit in two minds - it does seem rude. On the other hand, she asked you not to come, but you did anyway.

I think the flaking on you with next to no notice after agreeing to you coming over was more unreasonable of her and that makes her refusal to even ask you in for a few minutes really poor.

Thanks for your replies, as I mentioned in my op I won't say anything to her. I do hope she's ok if something's going on. Just interested to see how other people would feel in this situation.

I would match that energy.

Also risk being attacked here but… I kind of get her POV. As a massive introvert I find someone being super keen to come over a bit much. Not that I would have done this but I kind of respect her setting boundaries.

You would still have moaned she didn't invite you in.

YABU. She told you Thursday no longer worked for her. You pushed it, and asked to come Thursday anyway and leave the gifts on the doorstep. That is what happened.

How is she unreasonable here? She took you for your word.

Sounds like you wanted to steam-roller over her “no” and for her to invite you in etc anyway.

Did you agree in advance you were going to buy her kids presents? Is this something you usually both do? Maybe she’s not pleased that you’ve created extra work for her as she feels like she needs to reciprocate and find something for you/your family now? You can say “I don’t expect anything” but one-sided gift receiving often makes people uncomfortable. I’ve received an unexpected gift this week and now I’m stressed and have to find them something quickly - i would have rather they hadn’t bothered!

Sounds like your friend wanted to have a quiet day without seeing anyone . You decided to drop off presents at door cos it was easier for you than posting / using courier, so I can see why she didn’t feel obliged to answer the door given dropping off was your preference not hers.

I'd like to think my friends would be able to tell me if they felt unable to open the door to speak to me.
I'm not saying they would need to open up entirely if they don't feel able, but at least be honest.

"Rainy, I'm not feeling well today/I've got some personal worries/I'm sorry I can't invite you in for a cuppa, so please can you leave the gifts by the door"

They are friends and I assume go back a long way if OP is now buying presents for her children.

@NotMeForBakeoff How do you know what I'd do?

Maybe she thinks the gift giving is a tad excessive and doesn't really want you to make the special trip, but isn't quite sure how to tell you?

You hope she’s ok if she’s got stuff going on? Erm… maybe ask? This lady is apparently a present worthy friend but not worth a mental wellbeing check… If she is facing a tough time this and maybe if it’s a really bad just for her plodding on is enough and asking for help is one step too far.

If this last minute change is out of character just message and say is everything ok? If it’s not I’d love to offer you some practical support as a friend or just a listening ear - whatever you need.