To think she could have made an effort for 5 minutes?

[1Rainynights]

I'll start off by saying that I haven't said anything/told this person how I feel and I won't either, before anyone jumps on me. I just wanted to get other peoples opinions.

I'm making my rounds this week, dropping off presents to family and friends. The days running up to Christmas will be busy, the same for everyone I'm sure. I'm also working until Christmas Eve and wanted to get things done early rather than running around like a headless chicken the day before

I bought some presents for my friend's children and asked her last week if I could pop by on Thursday (yesterday) which she said yes to as she had no plans. I wanted to give plenty of notice as I know everyone is busy this time of year. I messaged her yesterday morning to check all was ok and she replied that she was having a lazy day with the kids and could I come on the weekend instead. I already have plans this weekend and wasn't sure if I'd have enough time (she lives an hour away). I mentioned this and just asked if I could leave them by the front door instead which she agreed to. She messaged me a couple of hours later saying thanks.

AIBU to think this is a bit, well, shit? I'm pretty sure they were sat in the living room when I dropped them off. I'm not sure I could just sit there and not even say hello if a friend was outside my house. I understand it was my choice to get them something, but if someone had made the effort for my kids, I'd certainly acknowledge/speak to them, even if it was just for 5 minutes. Being ill or having something crop up is of course different situation, but they were literally just sat on the couch watching a film by the looks of it...

Does she give presents back to you or your dc?

I probably wouldn't give it that much thought - she let you know it wasn't a good time but since you were in the area that day to see other people you wanted to drop it around anyway, and did so.

I do think she should have made up a better reason than "having a lazy day at home" though. That does convey the message that she literally can't be arsed to open the door. We all have days where we just want to be left in peace, but this is where a polite social lie comes in handy.

This is literally unacceptable. It’s rude behaviour. I personally feel that you should stop giving them any gifts because it’s rude and as you say even if they’re being lazy they could at least answer the bloody door

@MagneticSquirrel yes we've always bought gifts for each other and the kids (nothing crazy, just little things). As others suggested perhaps she doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore and doesn't know how to tell me. I'll bear that in mind for the future.

I love my friends’ kids but I’ve never brought any of them a Christmas present. All the kids I know get Santa and/or parents presents, grandparents, aunts etc
I’m starting to find Christmas overwhelming and I don’t even have to make the dinner. I just rushed around get teacher presents.

I think it’s a lovely chance to acknowledge certain people like teachers etc

But it’s almost a mad time both energy and finance-wise!

We don’t buy presents for the adults in our family apart from our parents, it takes pressure off everyone no running around buying gift vouchers etc.

We buy presents for 5 family children on too on ours. I mentally couldn’t handle more.

Maybe your friend was rude maybe she was trying to indicate that she wasn’t up to seeing anyone for reasons you can’t know. You can’t know for certain so I wouldn’t take offence.

I always left him a mince pie, carrot and a glass of brandy when I knew I wasn't staying up to see him though.

@LittleRedYarny if there is something going on, she clearly doesn't want to tell me otherwise she would have, right?

Obviously I care about her and hope she's ok but I don't think she wants me involved!

OK, but at least he usually gets a tot of something warming and a mince pie - in the U.K., anyway. Not sure he’s mad keen on the cold milk he gets across the pond, but he’s too polite to moan about it. 🎅🏻

It’s horrendously rude on your friends part. I had a mate that did this and at one point asked me to leave a present for her new baby outside when we’d arranged for me to go over. Bizarre. She’s not a mate anymore anyway

I have to say, I think without hearing the friend's true reasons, a judgement can't really be made by anyone.

It's obviously super kind of you to want to do that - however, who knows what this person is going through behind closed doors. I'm currently going through one of the worst times of my life, but I've not told all of my friends. I cry even seeing someone I know on the street at the moment if they ask me how I am. I certainly don't want to have that if someone came to my door when my children were there. Friend or not. I'm not in the right place for that at the moment. And she might not be either.

I personally hate people who insist on turning up to my home, either without notice or completely missing the excuses/reasons when I say I'm not free/up to it... home is my safe place. It's where I can totally relax with my family and not worry about anyone else or having to put on a brave, charismatic face. She could be the same.

It's Christmas. Tensions are high. People are allowed time to themselves.

It's NEVER just a 5 minute hello. She would have felt obliged to invite you in, make a cuppa, and then it's NEVER 5 minutes. Especially if your/her kids then start playing a game or whatever. Then it's the stress of getting them to say goodbye. And then tidying. Then thinking about the before your arrival, she would have likely felt obliged to tidy up, Hoover, dress appropriately, maybe wash and style her hair for fear of judgement even if she truly couldn't be arsed. Then there's the fact her precious time with her family is interrupted for 30-60 minutes when all she wanted to do was cherish some quiet time together.

So yeah, whilst I get that it's kinda hurtful for you and frustrating when you're making the effort - don't think that the other person is being unreasonable for not wanting to match that at this emotionally heightened and physically draining time of year. Let this one go. Hook up for a girly lunch or coffee in the new year when things have settled and see if there's anything deeper.

Merry Christmas.

Make this the last time you buy presents for her kids, sounds like the friendship is not as close as you think it is.

Exactly this, if she's otherwise a good friend I'd put it out of your mind and probably check she's ok and get a date for an in person catch-up in January.

I'm confused - did you knock on the door and she didn't answer? Or did you just leave them? It looks like you're the one who suggested the no-interaction method.

She told you it wasn’t a suitable time for her but you insisted on going anyway. You’re the rude one.

I would have just said, let's leave it until you have more time and let her make the effort.

I'm just wondering if she suffers from anxiety/depression. On the surface it does seem very rude but I have anxiety which brings on extremely low moods. When I'm like that i can't see people and barely function to do the basics. If someone wanted to come round I would have to make an excuse. Something could have happened that she doesn't feel she can say so has just made an excuse.

Id say it wouldn’t be any harm gently having the conversation before next Christmas - we’re all so busy etc just checking to see if you want to keep doing it.

I have two best friends from school. One of them always does birthday and Christmas presents, I do appreciate the gesture but if someone puts together a present it obviously means you have to buy a present back. And often she buys stuff I really don’t want like little things for my house when I’m constantly trying to declutter and I don’t like stuff like flowers on it etc.

I’m thinking of suggesting going for a drink or a nice coffee instead. My mum’s friends buy each other lunch on their birthday which I think is lovely and as they are in their 70/80s they have plenty of stuff.

She made it clear it wasn't convenient on Thursday.
OP said she would just leave gifts by the door.

This is what happened.

If OP wasn't just happy to leave the gifts, she should not have offered it as an option. Or she should have said "we can just have a 5 minute doorstep chat; I won't come in" to make it clear what she was expecting.

Friend was clear; OP was not and is now annoyed that something she didn't ask for didn't happen.

@TipsyKoala no I didn't want to knock because she'd said she was having a lazy day so I just dropped the presents off and left. But they were all sat on the sofa (curtains were open and the path is right by the window) so would have seen me.

Or she could have been suffering from PND for all you know.

I was in a terrible place mentally last Chistmas, having panic attacks etc. I am a very open person so I told my friends, but I expect a lot of people it not most people wouldn’t.

I think you are being unreasonable I’m afraid.

I think the only thing your friend did wrong is that you made the plan last week and then text her yesterday to just confirm/ask if it’s still okay and she said “actually, no.” If she wanted to cancel your visit, she shouldn’t have waited for you to get in touch, she should’ve had the decency to contact you first and cancel.

But aside from that, this is all on you. She told you it doesn’t work anymore and suggested an alternative day, which didn’t work for you. And that’s ok, no one is expecting you to bow down to this and go when it suits her, seeing as it’s you doing the travelling etc. But all you needed to do was say you’re busy that day, and suggest a post Christmas catch up where you can exchange presents. Instead, despite her saying NO to yesterday, you told her you’re going to go anyway and leave the gifts on her doorstep. She said that’s fine. So you did it. You can’t be annoyed with her for not coming out (did you even ring the bell? Will she have known the exact moment you arrived?) when she explicitly told you that yesterday doesn’t work for her anymore. I’d be pretty pissed if I said “no” to a certain day for a visit and the person turned up anyway and then was annoyed with me for not being available for them. Sometimes we all just need a total chill day with no distractions.

Does she buy for your son? I’m guessing she doesn’t. I wouldn’t bother any more.

I’m thinking the friend has a bit of form for changing plans etc maybe being a bit flakey? Otherwise why the need for op to phone her at 9am today - the plan was only made a week ago
friend should contacted op if she needed to reschedule surely?

No doubt, it was very rude of her, but do you think she might be trying to send you a message- let's stop the Christmas presents? Maybe she doesn't like to say and she thinks it's a big hint not to bother in future.

She's not really your friend OP.
A friend would have you in for a cuppa tea and a chat even if she's in her PJ's and hasn't hoovered.

That’s awful she’s not a proper friend. A friend doesn’t care what you look like or the state of your home and vice versa. They give you a hug welcome you in and make a cup of tea.

i am at home sick with a virus right now I could and would still do all of that if a friend knocked on my door.