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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she could have made an effort for 5 minutes?

280 replies

1Rainynights · 20/12/2024 11:40

I'll start off by saying that I haven't said anything/told this person how I feel and I won't either, before anyone jumps on me. I just wanted to get other peoples opinions.

I'm making my rounds this week, dropping off presents to family and friends. The days running up to Christmas will be busy, the same for everyone I'm sure. I'm also working until Christmas Eve and wanted to get things done early rather than running around like a headless chicken the day before Grin

I bought some presents for my friend's children and asked her last week if I could pop by on Thursday (yesterday) which she said yes to as she had no plans. I wanted to give plenty of notice as I know everyone is busy this time of year. I messaged her yesterday morning to check all was ok and she replied that she was having a lazy day with the kids and could I come on the weekend instead. I already have plans this weekend and wasn't sure if I'd have enough time (she lives an hour away). I mentioned this and just asked if I could leave them by the front door instead which she agreed to. She messaged me a couple of hours later saying thanks.

AIBU to think this is a bit, well, shit? I'm pretty sure they were sat in the living room when I dropped them off. I'm not sure I could just sit there and not even say hello if a friend was outside my house. I understand it was my choice to get them something, but if someone had made the effort for my kids, I'd certainly acknowledge/speak to them, even if it was just for 5 minutes. Being ill or having something crop up is of course different situation, but they were literally just sat on the couch watching a film by the looks of it...

OP posts:
Wingingit247 · 21/12/2024 22:33

Aweecupoftea · 20/12/2024 11:46

If my friend drove a two hour round trip a few days before Christmas just to drop off some gifts for my children, the very least they could expect was a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit.
This might be one of those moments where you accept that your importance to her and her importance to you do not match up.

Yep, this really. Unless there’s something she’s not telling you this is just shit. It’s horrible when you realise you just don’t mean as much to others as they mean to you, but I think that is what is going on here. I’m sorry OP, you sound lovely and didn’t deserve that sort of treatment, that isn’t a friend.

Ukrainebaby23 · 21/12/2024 23:04

You understand 'having a lazy day' means I can't face getting dressed and tidying to a standard I'd think you are comfortable with?

I was embarrassed when my friend dropped round (with notice) I hadn't washed and we'd had a tough few weeks and the house looks shot, but we still invited her in and chatted.
I guess it depends what expectations you have of each other?

TwinklyMintHelper · 21/12/2024 23:16

Why speculate about this? You’re surely entitled to decide who and when you want people to intrude into your time and your life. I don’t understand why people need to explain why they don’t want to do this or that. Or why we should expect them to. Or why some get offended when we don’t. Then go to the nth degree to vent our spleen about it to all and sundry. I don’t think she was at all rude, disrespectful or anything else. She didn’t want to see this person and she is entitled to say so. And there isn’t any information about the nature of the friendship etc. It isn’t fair to judge on the basis of the information given and how you would feel yourself in the same circumstances.

islanddreamer1 · 21/12/2024 23:28

Your friend was extremely rude. Can’t believe she thought it was acceptable to leave you on the doorstep.

Petrasings · 22/12/2024 00:33

Your friend obviously had her reasons and she tried to suggest other dates and times. I can see why you insisted, as it was convenient for you, but it wasn’t for her. So not BU however is she normally reciprocating? Is this a wider pattern?

Garlicwest · 22/12/2024 00:51

I used to do this, OP. In all fairness, I did it for myself - I used to love the whole Christmas shebang (I've turned into Mme Grinch in me old age!) and delivering presents in person was part of it all for me. I like driving.

Then I realised that not only was I driving hundreds of miles in total, nobody was driving to me - and, worse, that they all realised it too and were starting to feel awkward about my unreciprocated efforts. I never expected reciprocation, but it became clearer that my cheery Santa act was, in fact, unwelcome: since it was unequal, it felt like an imposition on them.

So I stopped. It was, basically, selfish of me. Now, thanks to the Gods of Amazon prime, I can just click a few buttons and gifts arrive at the recipients' convenience 😁

YowieeF · 22/12/2024 01:01

You just need to match their energy - they obviously don’t see your friendship the same way you do.
Don't waste your time on people like that!

Yabadabadu · 22/12/2024 02:03

What if she didn’t see you?

dottiedodah · 22/12/2024 04:33

Maybe she didn't feel well?. Or one of her DC had an issue. Still I think she should have answered the door at least. Maybe next time just send a parcel or voucher. Amazon have been good .choose parcel or voucher. Y

Palaver1 · 22/12/2024 06:24

Very rude mannerless a simple opening of the door to say thanks is never too much

QueenBee2202 · 22/12/2024 07:09

This would worry me with a close friend. Are you very close to her? Is this ‘odd’ behaviour for her? Maybe just do a quick text to check in with her wellbeing. This could be anything from rudeness all the way to something horrible going on at home so it’s hard to judge.

buttonousmaximous · 22/12/2024 07:59

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 20/12/2024 11:48

There is a guy who visits every child in the world giving out presents. He travels thousands of miles in the freezing cold and nobody stops and chats with him. You sound like you got off lightly.

I'm not convinced it's a bloke, far too organised!

BrightonFrock · 22/12/2024 08:17

buttonousmaximous · 22/12/2024 07:59

I'm not convinced it's a bloke, far too organised!

Show quote history

He’s just the face of the operation. It’s the woman from Bridgerton who does all the work. Haven’t you seen the Boots advert?

TwinklyKhakiPoster · 22/12/2024 11:01

She could have had a black eye or something and didn't want you to see. There could be various reasons that she didn't want to tell you. Personally I would have said I was ill.

Skybluepinky · 22/12/2024 14:25

She made it obvious and u didn’t take the hint.

JJMama · 22/12/2024 15:13

She was having a quiet day with her children. She didn’t want to listen/entertain your hustle and bustle about how busy you are. She wanted to protect her peace. Absolutely nothing wrong in that.

You offered to drop it at the door and she said yes - why ask that then?

Not everyone wants to be frantic at Christmas. Running about driving for 2 hours to drop off presents isn’t for everyone.

Gloriia · 22/12/2024 15:36

JJMama · 22/12/2024 15:13

She was having a quiet day with her children. She didn’t want to listen/entertain your hustle and bustle about how busy you are. She wanted to protect her peace. Absolutely nothing wrong in that.

You offered to drop it at the door and she said yes - why ask that then?

Not everyone wants to be frantic at Christmas. Running about driving for 2 hours to drop off presents isn’t for everyone.

A quiet day with children? As if that ever happens.

She should have said 'oh please don't drive 1hr to drop something off on our doorstep, I'm not up to visitors because <insert excuse> and would feel awful to sit in the house ignoring you'.

People do not ignore friends literally on their doorstep.

CountessWindyBottom · 22/12/2024 17:10

Maybe ‘lazy day’ actually means that she wasn’t in the mental headspace to see anyone that day? I don’t think it’s a reflection on you but maybe she is mentally and physically exhausted and simply doesn’t want to lay eyes on another human being. I have had days like this. I wouldn’t take it personally.

pictoosh · 22/12/2024 18:12

CountessWindyBottom · 22/12/2024 17:10

Maybe ‘lazy day’ actually means that she wasn’t in the mental headspace to see anyone that day? I don’t think it’s a reflection on you but maybe she is mentally and physically exhausted and simply doesn’t want to lay eyes on another human being. I have had days like this. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I think it might be something like this.
A lazy day with the children may translate as, "I am DONE and have nothing more to give. Nothing."
I have felt like this before. I feel like it today.
There are a lot of people here insisting that she ought to have received you even though she didn't want to. I think they either don't understand the power of overwhelm...or they think being polite is more important than anything else. Fair enough it's a point of view but not one which, in my personal experience, I agree with.

If she's normally a good friend, I'd let this one go.

pictoosh · 22/12/2024 18:25

I mean how do you tell a friend, "I'm really sorry, I know you're going to a lot of effort, but I just haven't got it in me to make enthusiastic conversation and be sociable with you."?

We might all think we're open-minded and sympathetic to others' mental health issues but as this thread demonstrates, we're not really. We want social norms and rituals to be observed no matter what thank you.

Makes it hard and adds to the pressure imo.

magicalmrmistoffelees · 22/12/2024 20:48

Gloriia · 22/12/2024 15:36

A quiet day with children? As if that ever happens.

She should have said 'oh please don't drive 1hr to drop something off on our doorstep, I'm not up to visitors because <insert excuse> and would feel awful to sit in the house ignoring you'.

People do not ignore friends literally on their doorstep.

Show quote history

I’ve had a quiet day with my children today.

nodramaplz · 22/12/2024 20:52

A real friend wouldn't care if you seen what she looked like on a lazy day!

nodramaplz · 22/12/2024 20:54

I'm making my 2hr round trip tomo, that's stopping at certain shops and 3 houses.
Briefly.

All done in one day.
If a friend asked me to leave her stuff at the door cause she's having a lazy day!
I'd skip her out. Spend an extra 15 mins with someone who had time for me.

Fountofwisdom · 22/12/2024 21:32

She told you it wasn’t convenient, you decided to impose on her anyway. Could be loads of reasons she didn’t want you dropping round. And for all those saying “how rude not to just answer the door”, it wouldn’t have been as simple as that. She would have felt obliged to ask you in and then you would have imposed on her for a chat, a cup of tea or whatever, after being clearly told it didn’t suit her. I would be fuming if someone decided to ‘drop round’ after being asked not to.

Betsybee88 · 22/12/2024 21:43

If you'd of asked me 2 weeks ago I would of said rude but since then we've had 4 people go down with a sickness bug one after another, a severe case of chicken pox, a birthday and signed for a house.

Life happens, people burn out. That might of been her only opportunity to recuperate before the last Christmas push and decided to allow her kids some down time also.