To think she could have made an effort for 5 minutes?

[1Rainynights]

I'll start off by saying that I haven't said anything/told this person how I feel and I won't either, before anyone jumps on me. I just wanted to get other peoples opinions.

I'm making my rounds this week, dropping off presents to family and friends. The days running up to Christmas will be busy, the same for everyone I'm sure. I'm also working until Christmas Eve and wanted to get things done early rather than running around like a headless chicken the day before

I bought some presents for my friend's children and asked her last week if I could pop by on Thursday (yesterday) which she said yes to as she had no plans. I wanted to give plenty of notice as I know everyone is busy this time of year. I messaged her yesterday morning to check all was ok and she replied that she was having a lazy day with the kids and could I come on the weekend instead. I already have plans this weekend and wasn't sure if I'd have enough time (she lives an hour away). I mentioned this and just asked if I could leave them by the front door instead which she agreed to. She messaged me a couple of hours later saying thanks.

AIBU to think this is a bit, well, shit? I'm pretty sure they were sat in the living room when I dropped them off. I'm not sure I could just sit there and not even say hello if a friend was outside my house. I understand it was my choice to get them something, but if someone had made the effort for my kids, I'd certainly acknowledge/speak to them, even if it was just for 5 minutes. Being ill or having something crop up is of course different situation, but they were literally just sat on the couch watching a film by the looks of it...

I agree, it's shitty of your friend to not even bother to say hello when you went to the trouble of dropping gifts round.

However, it could be that she felt embarrassed / put on the spot / awkward as she didn't have any gifts for you or your family, and that's why she didn't want F2F contact and tried to put you off ?

It can be awkward when you buy someone a gift and they haven't thought to reciprocate. I met friends for coffee and left their gift in my car for exchanging as we left. During coffee they firmly announced they weren't 'doing cards or anything at all' this year and wanted me to confirm I was on the same page, a clear message they hadn't got me anything and didn't expect anything from me so I didn't give them their small gift - it was just some shortbread so it's back in my cupboard to enjoy later.

Anyway, don't buy for them again. She doesn't seem to appreciate the gesture.

Friend had plenty of notice in order to buy a present too

If said friend still didn’t have time to get the present then she could have messaged op herself to as to rearrange the day.

The friend however, didn’t even make the effort to message op and just left op to do all the running about after her. Op asked friend if she could come round on a certain day, friend said yes and op then sent a further message nearer the time. The friend made no effort to contact the op to ask her to rearrange, nor did she make an effort with op when she dropped off the presents.

Thats what does it for me. The friend couldn’t be arsed whether or not she’d been able to get a present in return. Friend knew op was due to come round but couldn’t be arsed to contact op to let her know she’d got other plans.

So would I, it would probably have cost less to post, without any stress. The point of doing a drop off was most likely in the hope of seeing people so it is all most odd.

You know your friend, we don't. Is it possible that was a really good reason she didn't want to see anyone but couldn't, or didn't like to, say?

Up to you whether or not you give her the benefit of the doubt but I would feel a bit snubbed. However if you were doing other drop offs in her area, not so bad. Wait and see if she tells you any news after Christmas.

I don't make that much effort for family
I'd of sent an Amazon gift or a voucher
That's quite intense to still drive over when she said no
I wonder if you stifle her

That was so rude and cringeworthy of her. She sounds like a dickhead. The fact she was actually sitting in the house and probably saw you go up to the door to drop off presents tells you exactly how much she values your so called friendship.

God, the people excusing your friend on mental health grounds. If you were depressed, you'd just say so on the phone or by text, and tell them you'd prefer if they didn't come. Not let someone come over and not even bother to open the door. Your friend is rude and entitled, not hiding some MH episode.

And yes, I've had massive MH crises myself.

That's quite intense to still drive over when she said no

The OP said that she was already going to be in the area visiting other people so I don't blame her for trying to combine several tasks.

I do wonder what would have happened had the OP not messaged on the morning confirming the arrangement, had the friend completely forgotten about it?

In the friend's place if I definitely didn't want to speak to the OP (for any reason) I would at least have made sure I couldn't be plainly seen through the window.

Standard MN. Loads of posts absolutely astounded that someone would make an effort or go out of their way for anyone else. It will be the same people making posts saying they have no friends. She has 100% been a cheeky cow! Even if she’s having a rough time or whatever her reason she could have popped to the door to say hi.

I think she hadn't bought gifts maybe she had intended to. Then didn't know what to do so when you messaged it gave her a way out. If you hadn't messaged she probably would have opened the door or maybe gone out.
Can't say I would have behaved this way and I don't understand it either. Quick amazon order or say no due to COL but her sitting there and ignoring you wasn't OK.

I kind of see her point. I hate it when receiving a gift becomes an obligation on my part - even if that obligation is just getting me and the house in order to host someone. I respect your effort in getting them to her on time, but gifts shouldn’t be used as leverage for spending time with someone.

Next year, check in advance re gift giving, and then just post or courier the gifts. If you’re not feeling valued, don’t give next year.

But you offered to leave them on her doorstep so maybe she thought you didn’t want to come in?

She basically told you not to come that day, (which is maybe rude at short notice, but you accepted her reason) so while you were fine to say no to the weekend, you also didn't need to go today when you wouldn't see her.

could have just waited til she saw you next under the circumstances. It's you who made it odd by going so far wiithout speaking to them when they were just inside.

You know her better than us. Does she have form for last minute cancelling plans, rude behaviour, etc? Or is she usually a decent friend?

For whatever reason she didn't want to see you that day. There could be a deeper reason, or maybe she simply forgot or couldn't be bothered. She offered a new date, but it wasn't suitable for you, fair enough. But you were the one who offered to drop off the presents, she didn't ask you too. Did you ring the bell? Did you actually see your friend through the window, or just her kids? She could have been in a different room and maybe she didn't even know you'd been.

Your friend was very rude not to even come to the door!

Don’t wait and see what happens next year. Just send a text in a few weeks and say something along the lines of “scaling back on fuss and expense this year, can we skip doing birthday and Christmas gifts?” Send it to all your friends: I bet you and they will be relieved xx

Maybe she had a personal reason for not wanting to see someone in person. BTW how do you know they were all sat on the sofa wathing TV - did you look thru the window?

YANBU, OP I think she is very rude.

You don't make an arrangement like that then flake out on the day unless there is a real emergency. Especially when someone has made an effort to buy gifts.

And most friends would be able to share the reasons.
OP said she can see through the window as she walks down the path.

Yabu she'd let you know it wasn't convenient, and you'd agreed you'd just drop it off as you were passing anyway. They were in the middle of something else when it was convenient for you to be there. I'm sure if it had been just her she would have welcomed you in but my family would be mightily pissed off to have to pause a film for a random friend-of-mum's to have even a relatively brief doorstep catchup.

You sound very generous and she's a shit "friend."

That said, I would take this as a hint that they are indifferent to your gifts, and stop the exchange. A card with a cheerful message is plenty going forward.

Just put in less effort for them next year. Not very utopian but you shouldn't carry on at that level if you're getting very little back.