Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

You haven't been invited to the wedding. Some imaginary person called Mrs Husband'sname Husband'ssurname has. Nowt to do with you.

He sounds like a prick. Would he like being called Mr Yourname Yoursurname? If ay of your relatives or friends plan to get married and invite the both of you, be sure to suggest it to them.

I suppose it depends on the relative and how often they see you both. If it's a random cousin that he sees at Christmas/once in a blue moon then I can see his point. If it's a sibling then I suppose he might be worried about putting their nose out of joint by correcting them if they're sensitive. I would probably directly correct them myself if I was bothered by it and it was a close relative.

YANBU. Part of the reason I don't want to get married is because I don't want everyone assuming I'm Mrs Hisname. There's always threads on here with women (rightly) complaining about family members repeatedly gettting it wrong.

If he's reacted that strongly then it sounds like there might be a bit of male pride and ego going on. Maybe he sees it as a dig that you're so upset by being referred to with his name? It's bullshit as 99% of men wouldn't dream of taking their wife's name.

I think this is a non-issue. It’s a wedding placecard, nothing long lasting.

YABU. It’s a wedding table card, it doesn’t matter. You are being invited as your DH’s wife - ie Mrs DH. Much more gracious to let it go than call the error out.

Am I massively overthinking this?

Yes.

It wouldn't bother me, but everyone is different. He just doesn't see it as a big deal.

I don't actually think this is a big deal and the family member might just not remember your name. I got a Christmas card this year to me, a random man's name, then my 2 children.
So for example if my parter was called Ryan he has been called Tom on the card. Not even close. He didn't care.
I understand it's more of a feminist issue and I think overall if you want to keep your name then that's a good idea but this is a one off. I wouldn't be impressed at being asked to send a text about it either as it's making an issue where there isn't one.

Family made an inaccurate judgement - I think the RSVP should come from you and then you can clarify. Won’t that just fix the whole thing?

It's a non issue

It's no big deal at all, it's just wedding stationery. "Managing" the name situation sounds a bit deep, I'm with your DH that it was a non issue and if you wanted to have it fixed you could have messaged them.

It’s fine that you think it’s a non-issue, but it isn’t a non-issue for the OP. If you were called Mary Smith you’d be annoyed if everyone kept calling you Mary Brown just because it’s your husband’s surname, and you can bet your bottom dollar that Bob Brown would be hacked off if people started calling him Bob Smith. The important thing though is that her husband is not being supportive, and a quick text to the family member shouldn’t result in Little Lord Fauntleroy flouncing off. Sadly, OP, he doesn’t value what you value and he doesn’t respect your name.

I think you are making an issue for no reason tbh, it's just a placecard

I am not married to my partner and got Xmas cards addressed to mr and mrs his surname!

And that was his mum! He won't mention it to her either.

To me I would look it as 'I' haven't been invited - my husband's wife has been invited, they've just given him a plus one

I couldn't get annoyed over this tbh.

Wouldn’t bother me enough to call the bride and groom out on it. It’s a placecard on a table for a few hours. I’d feel differently if it was something more official.

I’m sure they won’t mind if you send a cheery “just so you know I didn’t take husbands name, so its xxx xxxx”.

But your husbands attitude sucks

Yabu.
I got married after a long time together and ive kept my surname.
I don't think anyone cares tbh. I think its such a normal thing to have the same surname when you get married, that its hardly surprising that some people just assume that you changed it.
I think it would be fine to tell them when you next see them, that you kept your name, but if your husband called them to specifically correct them, i think that's a bit insulting to him and his family. Thats more than just keeping your name.

I don't think this is an issue at all and I wouldn't be upset about it. May be your DH feels the same way?!

My DH got a birthday card from my cousin last year and it was addressed to 'Paul' -
Not DH's name but it was the name of an ex-boyfriend of mine! Me and DH have been together for 13 years! 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s important to you. It’s not important to the couple getting married who will be far more concerned by many other things than getting your name right. It’s quite simple at the wedding to pick a chair and sit on it. Who cares what it says on the seating plan? Your actual issues are with your husband.

Massively overthinking this one, op, it's a seating plan at a wedding not official documents!

He’ll feel like he’s criticising them. He’ll feel awkward.

You’re going to encounter this frequently. I know it’s annoying and sexist but I think this is a battle you have to wage yourself rather than expect him to enter the arena on your behalf.

I couldn't be bothered about it. I kept my own surname and don't care if people refer to me with DH's name.

It's also the inconsideration that someone hasn't bothered to check people's names before addressing them that would bother me. They care that little that they've just assumed and used his name. I get the same problem and it comes across as ignorance to the fact that women are individuals. They are not Mrs Bob Jones like they loved to be referred to back in the day because there was and still is ingrained misogyny. It happens when children have their mums name too. People just assume they have their dads name. That's not your name and it is rude for them to assume so. It's like calling a woman Sir. She would be offended because she isn't a Sir. You're allowed to be offended when referred to as your husband's name when you don't use it.

Rsvp to the invite and sign it with both your names so you aren't directly calling it out but stating your correct name to them.