Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I really would not care! When I got married (decades ago) my husband considered taking my surname as I am an only child of two only children so our surname would die out! In the end I decided that it didnt matter that much but I have kept my name on my passport and bank statement but used my married name at work and for my tax account. I really wouldnt fall out with him over it. But we are all different.

So legally what’s your name.
How can you have a different name on your tax account to your bank and passport

People in the UK are allowed to use multiple names if they want to. I would guess that women using their own name for work and husband's for personal life is one of the more common permutations of this.

And a lot of women who change their names when they marry won't shell out for a new passport immediately. I wouldn't if that were me!

Im thinking more tax account and bank.
Apreciate people wait to change their passports or chose to keep one name, unofficially, for work.

Legally you can only use one surname for official things.

Yes. Quite normal. The connection is with his side of the family. They've invited him, and his wife.

This from Deed Poll Office
( Official place where you can change your name )

Can't speakt to the practicalities, but I don't think it's true that legally you can only use one surname for official things. As an example, there's some gov.uk guidance here on use of recognised multiple names on a passport.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/change-of-name-guidance/use-and-change-of-names

And there must be any number of women in regulated professions who are using their own name for their official registration with the GMC, Bar Standards Board etc but then use their husband's in their private life for official matters such as driving licence and electoral roll.

Interesting article @Honeycrisp but that’s Home office stuff
It doesn’t relate to
tax matters, banks, finances and national insurance etc.
The pp noted her bank and tax names were different.
This could be a serious fraud issue and isn’t allowed. You have to have an official surname which is the same on both.

nb pronouns and titles ( sir etc ) can vary I believe.

Is that rule about bank and tax names written down anywhere?

Because I've known women who used one name for work in a regulated role and then another one in their home life. I suspect payslips need to be in the same name as the one HMRC have for you, but that's not the same as banks.

Since 2021 HMRC can access your bank accounts if they suspect fraud.
If HMRC have a different surname from the ones on your bank statement they can’t find you….that’s a red flag
The same goes for paying pension money as again HMRC can access your bank. If your national insurance payments are in a different name to your bank, will they even pay it in. I doubt it.

If you’re buying a house with any cash at all there are extensive fraud checks done on all the cash being used. So again if these are in different names how does that work. The buyers we have at the moment seem to be using a variety of names and struggling to prove they haven’t been defrauding the tax man ( six weeks it taken so far just checking their money and it usually takes two. Tbh I think we might pull out )

I posted the info from the Deed poll office.
That’s all I can find
The official line on this does seem woefully lacking
I dare say people find out it’s a problem, when it’s a problem. Like our house buyers

Yeah I know all this, and I can see that with a bank account that was opened after you got married where they wouldn't have a record of both names, you'd probably need to show the marriage certificate if you were going to have payments made into the account with a different name.

But I've never seen it written down anywhere that a bank account has to be in the same name as one's HMRC record, and we know people can use multiple names in official documentation. Whether it's a pain in the arse or not is a different question.

No
I agree
Apart from that Deed Poll Office info
I can’t find it written down anywhere either

Just a few comments from solicitors I’ve just spotted online when queries, like this, have been made. They also note the money laundering problems, bills in different names and problems proving identity etc.

But yes, I agree, there doesn’t seem to be any official line. That doesn’t mean there could be problems though with the lack of joined up thought from the various official departments.

( from our buyers perspective, using various names means they are likely to loose their future home …. )

Oh I can absolutely believe there'd be problems. Women's surnames seem to be a magnet for it even when they're not doing anything complex!

My MIL point blank refuses to acknowledge my dd has my surname, which I've kept. My dh is A-ok with her having it and has spelt it out to her on more than one occasion. At first she point blank refused and said 'well I'm just going to calll her Sarah MyName' DH did call her out but it's persisted. My PITA SiL addressed our Christmas card to 'The tottering family' (his surname) and a card just arrived for DD's birthday addressed to her first name, no surname. Normally I try to let it go but I'm wearing myself to the bone buying food and cleaning the house to prepare to host them at Christmas and I really feel like writing her a text telling her she can go elsewhere if she isn't prepared to acknowledge this. I wish I'd realize how much shit you take on when you get married!

So I very much hear you, op.

Normally I try to let it go but I'm wearing myself to the bone buying food and cleaning the house to prepare to host them at Christmas

Why are you doing that?

While I agree, that husband would probably kick up a stink if it was Mr&Mrs Your Surname. Why not just take it upon yourself to have it corrected?

I didn't change my name when I got married, I was the bread winner, the homemaker and the decision maker... it didn't bother me when invites came to Mr & Mrs Married Name but it sure did rub him the wrong way when he was referred to as Mr My Surname 😂 The fragility of man's ego is a divine thing to watch

My passport is still in my surname from when I officially divorced, which is about five years ago now. I am still able to travel on it, despite now having remarried (both hubby and I db'd). We will change our names on our passports when they are next due for renewal

How did you reply to the invitation? Surely a formal reply that said Mr John Brown and Ms Jane Smith are delighted to accept the invitation to your wedding would have put the family member straight without any drama.

Addressing invitations to anything is a nightmare. Knowing who wants to be called what is often not obvious and there are no longer any rules to guide us. It’s hardly fairer to me hard on the sender in such cases. They’ve probably done the best they could when writing dozens of invitation. Just reply with the name you are known as.

fair to be.

It's a very old-fashioned practice to adress a married couple as Mr & Mrs Husband's Initials & Surname. When I was married to my ex and we received letters adressed to us as a couple in the frm of Mr & Mrs His Initial & Surname, I refused to have anything to do with them and insisted he deal with such corrspendence. My opinion has always been that I took his surname on marriage, which I then thought I was legallyt obliged to do so but now realise this isn't the case, but NEVER his inital - I consider myself Mrs (my inital but his surname) and never accepted any correspeondence adressed to me as Mrs His Initial & His Surname.

To anyone who adressed me in any way as Mrs His Surname and with his initial, I always wrote a stern letter informing the sender that I have my own Christian name and do not accept anything for me with his initial as well as his surname. I told the senders of such corespondence in no uncertain terms that they were NOT EVER to adress me with my husband's initial because I have my own nae and my own indentity which I expect them to use.

Rather brutal and outyspoken of me I know, but this was the only way to correct people and inststutions,

It's not an issue for him but it is an issue for you so sort it yourself

I would drop the invitee a text to say that you have both taken your last name now. If it's 'not a big deal' then he won't mind if his name is wrong.

Is it your name though? Mr and Mrs Jonathon Smythe means Mr Jonathan Smythe and his wife (mistress as it was). It's a title, not a name as such. I also kept my maiden name on marriage decades ago but am not fussed about social invitations to us as a couple which are addressed in the above style because it's a title not my name. It's a bit like inviting a friend "plus guest".

I bet you gave a lot of people a great deal of amusement.