Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

This is the kind of fallout that you're going to have to endure continually, for deciding to keep your maiden name. If you must keep your maiden name then do, but most women don't - and most people who know you are married to (for example) a Mr Potter, will call you Mrs Potter. Have to suck it up I'm afraid,

'aggro'

Get over yourself.
They will look for their own name.
They will not give you a micro second thought.

YANBU OP

I double barrelled my name when we married 26 years ago. In-laws didn’t accept that. Every year some address things like Christmas cards to MR & Mrs DH Name. I have never opened them because they are address to DH and his first wife who when off one of the boyfriends.

@Dealingwithatrexrightnow yes, for HER to raise it. If she must.

I was married twenty years yesterday. Spent the day mopping up sick.

Have never changed my name, couldn't care less what someone calls me as long as they are kind enough to include me.

As I say, it's a wedding invite. I'm sure the couple have enough to think about.

She can reply saying, or she can cause a massive fuss

'if you must keep your maiden name'

christ on a bike

Totally agree with your DH on this one. He has no problem in you keeping your name, but it’s not a big enough deal to correct people. Whilst many women keep their name, most (in my experience) change it, so if you want to go against that, accept that one or two will just assume you are Mr and Mrs Surname.

I have a cousin who kept her name, but on their Christmas card envelope I just wrote ‘Emma and Chris’ because writing Emma Mackintosh and Chris Farringdon didn't fit on the envelope.

and the term 'maiden name' needs to bloody retire.

fuck me, you’re overthinking this and making it all about you.

someone got run over and died outside my house yesterday. Seriously, these are much bigger things to get upset about. Get over yourself.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. It's comforting to know some people do understand where I'm coming from, but also have it balanced with some perspective which I appreciate after having my head fried at work all day.

Just to clarify a couple other things, if anyone reads this far:

• It's an online RSVP with the names auto-populated, so no opportunity to reply with the correct name that way, which would otherwise have been my approach. Separate contact would need to be made.

• I'm not at all annoyed by the invitation coming in the 'wrong' name - the family members weren't to know. Similarly we've had the odd Christmas card from random aunts with the joint surname - no big deal. Likewise, if it was just the matter of a placecard at a table. But it's not - it's that my name will be inaccurate infront of a lot of people who are probably already unsure/unknowing - so is this not a good opportunity to look to avoid this when it could be easily avoided?

• I wouldn't at all expect the tone of DH or I in this to at all be "calling out" anyone. That implies it would be somewhat accusatory. In my mind it was a breezy text saying how excited we are to be invited, mentioning the name so it can be updated where possible but not to worry if anything has already gone to print, again we are looking forward to it.

• Having just organised my own wedding I'm totally aware of how much organising there is to do / the hassle of it all. I also know that it mattered a lot to me that I got details like this right when the opportunity came up. I corrected plenty of names' spellings, titles, etc. on the online guestlist tracker (we used the same RSVP website) whenever it came up, so that anything still to go out (thank you cards etc) would be accurate. Of course I wouldn't expect anything already printed to be changed, and any message would make that clear.

• I'm not addressing the comment about why do I care if my name is my husbands name or my father's name, as it's a waste of energy.
• I agree that at the end of the day this isn't a massive issue - the thing that hurt was my husbands attitude about it not mattering. Happy for people to agree or disagree with that and ultimately this is what I suppose is really the key to get perspective on.

Just use their names? 'John Langley and Maria Kelly'.

oh go tickle yourself with a feather, you whataboutist ninny.

His family and he should address it. My DP has told his mum already (she’s 90) that he’s taking my name and we will be Dr and Mr TRex

Well don't use the form and send a lovely card. Job done

Non issue. I didn’t change my name when I got married but occasionally get called my DH’s surname or my kids surname (which is different to both DH and my surname). If it’s verbal and someone I will have ongoing interactions with I correct them, otherwise I just let it go as life’s too short to get would up about such stuff. My kids are the same, sometimes when younger they would be called ‘the little Pavlova’s’ which is wrong but I didn’t teach them to get all frothy about it.

ETA DH sometimes gets called my or kids surname. He also doesn’t care.

'Handmaiden name' has a quaint ring to it, though. Do you think it could catch on?

Make separate contact. Text to say - thanks for the online invite. I can’t correct it on line but my surname is Bloggs so I’m actually Jane Bloggs. Thanks

I've been married a while OP and still get cards in my husbands name. To start with I was mildly wound up, now I literally don't care. Life's too short to expend energy being bothered by this stuff.

Maiden does my head in

DRFT, but I will never get my head around all this "it's your relative to you have to speak to them, not me" crap that I see on MN. If I subscribed to that mentality with my husband, I'd get precisely F-all done about anything, ever. Fact.

It's OK to want to correct someone on your name, if you feel strongly enough about it, and think that on balance it's both appropriate and worth it. What I can't understand is why all of this is on your husband, simply because it's his relative.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and your relative sent your husband an invite addressed to Simon instead of Steven, the bulk of mumsnet would be likely telling you to LTB if he'd asked you to correct said relative. I mean, it's just enabling it, and he's got a phone and he's and adult, and...and...and..."

It’s not just Mumsnet that is full of women who changed their name on marriage, most of the UK do. It’s the social norm. Many don’t and that’s fine, but most DO.

It's not her preferred surname, it's her surname.

I wonder if the soon to be married couple will be changing their name(s)?
I would phone them to thank them for the invitation, and chat a bit then casually bring it up "Oh, just thought I'd mention, I noticed you addressed me as Mrs Mr on our invite I actually use Mrs Maiden.

Did you get their permission to use them as fuel for a poor quality Internet argument?