Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

awful for that person and their family but irrelevant to the OP's post.

We'd never discuss anything because something worse had happened elsewhere.

hope this helps.

My name is mine it’s the one I was born and registered in and I didn’t get a say. But it’s mine. Not my father’s - it’s mine.

My GCSEs are in my name, my A levels, my degrees, my Postgraduate degrees - it is mine.

Men never ever get asked the same thing - oh are you getting married are you taking her name then? Etc

Its sexism

Are you quite OK @SybilTheSpy ? You sound angry and rather over invested.

Don’t agree. I had to get my DH to do this at my BIL’s wedding. In Laws have form for using wrong name on purpose and it matters to me. He sorted it with a message. Don’t let other people tell you it doesn’t matter- names are important.

A-fucking-MEN.

It wouldn’t be a big deal to me but it is to you and that’s fair.

However it’s not him mis-naming you to others when he knows it’s important to you. In fact, you say he’s supportive that you kept your name.

He maybe thinks it’s making a big deal to follow it up. He might think the bride and groom have bigger fish to fry and they probably made an assumption.

Wouldn't it easier to send a RSVP that says Mr x and Miss y would be delighted to attend?

I wonder why it’s so important to you that HE corrects it?

Tell him that as the invitation is addressed to him and his mother (assuming from his reaction that she would have his father’s name)

So suggest that if he can’t be bothered to correct it, maybe he just takes her along instead and you’ll have a night out with your friends.

He should be correcting them. If your family sent him an invitation and got his name wrong, of course, you would make sure it’s correct. He would expect it and no one would think it was weird.

My guess is actually this may have more to do with the dynamics in his family than with not caring about your name. Some families have weird dynamics that are decades old, even amongst family members who are quite distant, that may not be obvious but bring all sorts of weird shit to the surface.

And yes, I’d rsvp myself (even though he should do it) and tell them my name my own damn self.

Non issue. I didn't take DHs surname. We've been married for 22 years and this has happened periodically, but if bothers me I say something myself. I don't expect DH to do it for me. This wouldn't bother me though, it's hardly the crime of the century and I can't imagine 'welling up' at something that I consider to be so trivial.

20 years after attending my wedding and being explicitly told I would not be changing my name, and 14 since the arrival of DD, which prompted another discussion about her having my name (and that DH and I don’t share one) 3 Xmas cards have arrived from family members of mine addressed to Mrs HisInitial HisName.

They’ve gone back in the postbox marked “Return To Sender - nobody here of that name”.

FUCK THEM.

Ignore me. Apparently I can't read properly! 😖

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I've just realised I've been doing weddings wrong.
I just look for my name on the seating plan and go to that table. I didn't realise I should be studying and trying to memorise all the names.

I think you're agreeing with her?

This is not a non-issue, but neither is it a major one. It happens to me all the time with DH’s family. I don’t care any more. DH’s family are set in their ways, and they mean to include me, which is kind. The people who matter to me get my name right.

On the other hand, him refusing to text his family member about it is an issue. Some posters above say that correcting the couple would be aggro or insulting. Ok, for some people it is THAT important for a woman to just suck up being called by a name that isn’t hers. It’s just that you didn’t think your husband was one of them! Have a chat with him, be prepared to give a little, but try to get back to feeling like you are on the same team.

I take your point. Thank you for correcting me. However I still don't think that their using her correct surname should be a priority on their wedding day. It's not as though anyone will be confused about who she is or where she should be sitting.

Hopefully OP and her DH will be together for the rest of their lives - plenty of time for his family to get to know her choice of name.

I’d be declining the invitation. Let him go on his own.

Awwwww, and what do you sound like?

Let me see.

Like a good little wife who does as she's told?

Nobody, absolutely nobody, reads an entire seating plan. Surely its a quick scan for your name and see what table name / number you are at! The only people who might see it are the people who are sitting at your table, if they even bother to check who else is at their table!

I don't think 10 percent is a particularly small minority tbh. It's high enough that people should think twice before assuming married couples have the same surname.

Honestly, wait until you’ve both had some sleep and some food, and then have the conversation again.

Another way to look at it:

If you had been invited under your name, however in subsequent days since you got married you had decided that you actually want your husband's name and so you asked your husband to mention it to the bride and groom inviting you - would he?

Because therein is the answer to what the crux of this really is as far as your husband is concerned. It's not about the invite is it - it's about your husband and how he views your wishes - really and truly.

I misread the post, but yeah I will still say what I said but will reword it...

Most women change their surname to their husband's surname when they get married! 90% actually - in the UK! And around 80% in America.

It is not the 'social norm' for a woman to keep her 'maiden name.' (As much as some posters on Mumsnet would like it to be!)

.

They’ve made a wrong but understandable assumption
right or wrong if I we’re the bride and groom pulled up on this I would see this a petty

if you want it addressing deal with it yourself and contact the B or G and tell them
if your outraged enough to kick off about then deal with it rather than making DH

he probably cba with the drama it’s not his fault nothing he’s instigated yet stuck with dealing with it

Similar. After about 20 years of this happening - on purpose. MIL once told me she’d sent a birthday cheque in my ‘other name’! I had a massive strop on Facebook calling this out and it hasn’t happened since!

Of course it is a small minority! 😆 You keep telling yourself it's not. Doesn't make it true.