Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

It's a fuss about nothing, just pop them a text and move on.

You wanted to keep your name, it's your battle and no one else's. No one else will care, including your DH tbh.

I’ve had 5 surnames since birth and I use a shortened version of my first name in everyday life. Being called the right name really is the least of my worries.

I hate to break this to OP but few, if any, of those 150 people will care what her surname is, especially if she’s there by reason of her husband’s family.

This all comes across as rather petty. Call yourself whatever you want but to expect others to care, and to call them out, comes across as pretty tacky.

We get Mr and Mrs Yikesthathurt and my DH is Mr Didntfeelathing, so it does go both ways. I think it used to bother him a bit, but not now.

Personally I'd correct the person myself.

I highly doubt anyone is going to be remembering anything other than their own positions on the seating plan. Plus, why do you care so much if his family think you're called his surname? Are they important to you?

Family not knowing my surname and assuming it’s the same as DH’s does piss me off a bit, but what I HATE is being addressed as Mr and Mrs John Smith. Even if I did take my DH’s surname, I certainly didn’t take his forename!

Yep massively overthinking it

Yes. Just do this. Your DH’s attitude is another matter, however.

Yes I agree with you on both counts.

This is going to happen a lot. He doesn't want to make a fuss. If it is so important text them yourself.

OP there is nothing unreasonable in expecting that if place names are being used that yours shows your name. "Mrs His Surname" is not your name.

Him being that dismissive is a problem. It's fine if he doesn't want to speak to the family member himself, though fwiw mine has always been happy to correct, but the lack of respect puts him all the way in the wrong.

"Oh by the way, Lucy hasn't changed her name so it's still Lucy Smith" - hardly going to cause any aggro or embarrassment with the bride and groom!
I wonder how dismissive men (and mumsnetters) would be if he was the one being given the OP's surname on invites.

For a start, I didn't realise that wedding stationery was a thing. Secondly, I don't think it's worth getting upset over someone else's wedding stationery.

This coming from someone who hasn't changed surname and it's a constant low-level battle. I often receive letters with the wrong surname, and occasionally I will use his surname for a bit of spice in my life. I'd just get used to it if I were you.

He prob wouldn't be arsed. Hardly an issue for OP to drop them a quick text is it.

No one cares but you. I don’t mean that in a snarky way but just to say that this is a huge issue to you because it’s an identity thing - no one else cares. I think your husband lacks the balls to tell his family, but equally if he won’t do it and it’s important to you then just drop them a message. This isn’t an issue, really.

I kept my surname when I got married but I don't really expect DH's wider family to remember. I'm only annoyed if my family call me mrs husbands surname.

The reality is you’re being invited as his +1. I think YABU. It’s not that deep to message them.

I think it's a complete over reaction on your part.

I wouldn't care about the wrong name being used (especially my husband's distant relative who I rarely see) and no one is going to be looking at your name on the seating plan.

However if it's important to you your husband should be a bit nicer about it. Can you send back the RSVP and put a polite note in there?

Perhaps he hasnt told his family that you havent changed your name.

My ex said he wasnt fussed about me not taking his name but didnt tell anyone that I had kept my surname and never corrected his family. It came down to the fact that actually it DID bother him and thought it made him look bad and "less of a man" (yes he said that) when I didnt automatically change my name. His family were very surprised when I told them and he got very annoyed for me for not keeping my gob shut. Not because they cared, they didnt, but because he did.

He cant actually object logically, especially these days, to you keeping your name but wants to so is maybe pretending (at least, to his family) that you took his name. Macho pride bullshit thing.

I think you're contradicting yourself a bit.

On the seating plan, your name will be visible to X number of people and it'll be wrong, yet you're ok with Y number of people sending you cards with the wrong name on because only you're seeing it? No, the sender is also seeing it.

Your husband's reaction was way OTT but I think so is yours. It's YOUR name. Why does he have to 'manage it' with his relatives?

Message the couple yourself. Or correct your name on the seating plan.

If it is THAT important that your name be correct, make it correct everywhere, including with his family. That's your job, not his.

His reaction is almost certainly because he thinks he's going look like he's making a fuss over nothing and he doesn't want that; or because he doesn't want to 'negotiate' such a thing with someone who knows won't take it seriously/will laugh at him.

He understands your point and even agrees with it, but not enough to stand up for it.

Text the person yourself saying "not sure if you've had our RSVP yet, thanks so much for inviting us, we can't wait to celebrate with you! FYI I didn't take DH's name when we got married, my name is [Sarah Bloggs], not [Sarah DHBloggs]".

Job done. If it's still wrong, well you can't argue with stupid. Doesn't change your name to Sarah DHBloggs!

Not that deep imo