Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I'm almost 20 years married, didn't change my name and we still get Christmas cards, wedding invites etc from his family addressed to Mr and Mrs dh, it never bothered me. I'd say his family just don't remember my name.

It’s reasonable to want the correct name but I don’t see why you couldn’t send the email. Far quicker than arguing and you are the one who wants it changed.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
You're being precious about clinging to your own name, and don't want to be known by your husband's name.
But is your surname your father's surname?
If so, you find it acceptable to be TheTingTings "Father's surname" but not TheTingTings "Husband's surname."
Can you explain the logic?

This is a complete non issue, and I can only assume that the bride and groom have more pressing things to think about than this..

I think you're going to have to get used to sometimes the wrong name being used. It won't be done deliberately but people will just assume the normal protocol.

Unless you want to always be correcting I'd let the less important stuff like Christmas cards, wedding invitations etc go but just make sure the official stuff like passport, driving licence, work name etc is how you want it.

Not quite the same but there are 3 ways to spell my first name. I get all 3 versions regularly. I really can't get worked up about it.

I kept my name. I get where you are coming from, especially when it’s a recent decision. I minded a lot when first married when people called me “Mrs Husband’s Surname” (though that was partly because MIL and FIL made a huge deal about it and sent passive aggressive cards and letters for years in the wrong name after they’d been asked politely (and then told) not to do it).

20 years later and it doesn’t bother me at all. A close friend who knows I kept my name and has kept her own name has started sending cards to me as Mrs Husband’s Surname! I just laughed, and if somebody sent a wedding invitation addressed that way, it wouldn’t matter to me now.

Did they know you had kept your surname? Maybe it was a genuine mistake?

I didn't keep my surname after we married but we lived together for a number of years and depending on who was writing it, we got invitations to

Mr and Mrs His surame
Mr and Mrs Her surname
First name, First name
Ms Her surname and Mr His surname.

It really didn't bother me.

So from my own point of view you are creating mountains out of molehills, and if you are that bothered then it's you that needs to speak up and respond in the manner you want to be addressed.

You can't be all independent and not take his name, then tell him to sort it out. It was your choice, stand up for yourself.

The way to gently rectify this is to send an elegant RSVP which says Ms/Miss/Dr* your first name Tingtings and Mr his first name MarriedtoMsTingtingsbutwithdifferentsurname will be delighted to attend etc etc
Hopefully they'll pick up on your names for table plans etc from that.

*delete as appropriate

It’s a total non issue, if it bothers you that much you should reply and correct them.

Hmmm… I also didn’t take my husband’s name. But I would struggle to get worked up about this. We get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs HisSurname or The HisSurnames all the time. I feel like not actually that many of our circle, including family, would know what we’d gone for in terms of naming convention.

I just quietly appreciate those who get it right. Much love to my friend who addressed her Christmas card to Dr Strethjemima and Mr HisSurname this year (given that they are our correct titles!).

I can also see how your husband might find if difficult to go back to his family member to make the point. I would find that a bit awks.

So, personally, I would let it go, but also have a calm discussion with your husband about how you want to keep emphasising the difference where you can because it’s important to you.

enjoy the wedding x

Nonsense. It's not her name.

I get this all the time from dp's grannies. I've still got the name I was born with because we're not married ( I won't change it when we do anyway). But they're misnaming me even without the wedding. Even my own dad did it when I asked him to pick me up a prescription and he came away empty handed and confused. Must have thought he missed the wedding!

It's annoying and I don't like it, but it's my name so I would speak to/msg them myself about it. I feel it's my name my responsibility.

But is your surname your father's surname?
If so, you find it acceptable to be TheTingTings "Father's surname" but not TheTingTings "Husband's surname."
Can you explain the logic?

This is such a nonsense argument. It's no more her father's surname than it is her surname. She was given it at birth, as was her father. By your logic it's not her father's surname it's her father's father's father's father's (ad infinitum) surname.

Oh that's an easy one. The name is Ting Ting's name. Same as her husband's name is his name.

Funny how men have their own name but woman only have their father's or husband's name. Do you think women are owned by their fathers and husbands?

Yes you are massively overthinking it and I’m not surprised your husband has refused to correct it.

In reality no one really cares what anyone else's surname is. It's only important to you.

You will look at the place card for what? 30 seconds and then you'll sit down. Is it worth the hassle?

The invitation being in the wrong name might be an issue for you OP. And it's probably also an issue to your husband. But to start trying to make it an issue for other people, i.e the person sending the invite, would make you seem a bit OTT in my opinion and could potentially make the person who sent the invitation feel bad or annoyed in some way. Your husband is likely not annoyed at you for wanting your name to be right, but is annoyed at you wanting him to create an issue over something where there doesn't need to be an issue made.

YABU.
You're massively overthinking this.
It's just a wedding invitation/placemat.

I would have voted differently if YOU had messaged (because more power to you) the family member to ask they change the name, why are you asking your husband to do it? Makes no sense.

To clarify on the "just a placecard" comments - if it was just a placecard it actually wouldn't bother me! It's than my name will visibly be incorrect to 120 odd people (as seating plans tend to be seen by everyone) and so it will reinforce my incorrect name to most of DH's wider family (who may then think they picked up that I was keeping my original name wrong!).

We've had a few Christmas cards through to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname and I've not bothered about that as it's only us seeing it.

Mainly above everything, it's that his (snarky) reaction was that that wasn't a big deal when Ive explained before why keeping my own name matters to me.

I would contact them yourself but would also see if you can find anyone to invite you to something/ send Christmas card Mrs and Mr YourSurname and see if it bothers him at all.

I’d be absolutely cringing if I was your husband - no wonder he doesn’t want to mither them with it

This! I didn’t change my surname when I got married, but really couldn’t get worked up about getting a wedding invitation addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband’sName. Having said that, it clearly bothers you and I don’t think your DH has been very grown up about it; rather than flouncing off, he could have suggested (nicely) that you take it up with the relative concerned.

I kept my own name but when we get post address to mr and Mrs husbands name I just let it go and get on with my day. Can’t be bothered to let it bother me.

I kept my name. People who know me but not my DH - not friends but, say, someone doing work on the house, or work colleagues - often refer to him by my surname. I get that there are different connotations when a woman get's called by her husband's name but I honestly don't think it's a big deal.