Husband Won't Correct My Name

[TheTingTings]

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

I dont get mad at people who legitimately make mistakes but if its ongoing and bothering me I will point it out because at the end of the day it MY identity and basic respect to be call what I say.

I have my name (kept my maiden name) which is usual like Katja Bonitas and my husband has a really standard English name like Adam Bennett and I often get cards from his distant family members to Kathryn Bennett etc... but I literally NEVER see these people so its not worth caring about (they don't even need to send card really they are strangers).

You should get your family to address your stuff to your husband as Mr. TheTingTings and see how he likes it, the sexism doesn't bother him purely because he doesn't ever have to face it. He might change his mind on the importance if it starts happening to him though.

I imagine he's embarrassed at having to "pull "them up on this and doesn't want to message and tell them they've got it wrong. You might see it as just letting them know he sees it as correcting them.
Do it yourself.

I personally don't think I'd get annoyed over this as it's an easy mistake to make on their part. I would find it more acceptable than when people write Mr and Mrs husbands first and last name which I absolutely hate.

I wouldn't contact someone to correct them over it but I might make a joke about it in passing to them later on.

Oh no she isn't

I think it's a huge over reaction. If it's that big a deal to you, then contact the family member yourself. I feel just as irritated as you if someone gets my name wrong and addresses me as Ms or Miss instead of Mrs, but I would expect to correct someone myself not expect my husband to do it for me!

Sorry you are getting so little support here, particularly as people are missing the point.

There is the issue of allowing a mistake to be reinforced by having the wrong name on the seating plan but it was your husband's reaction and not the mistake with your name which upset you.

You discussed how important keeping your name was before you got married and he was supportive. He wasn't bothered about you both having the same name or he would have taken yours and now, like many of the posters here, he is being very dismissive. I would be upset by that too. It's like he never really understood why you wanted to keep your own name and is now acting like you're making a big deal over something unimportant.

It doesn't matter if other posters on MN "couldn't get worked up about it", it matters to you.

I would take the initiative for making sure your name was corrected or you will be given your husband's name by default for evermore. I would talk to your husband after you gave done that and explain how hurtful his dismissive attitude was.

When sending any cards or letters to his family I would make sure I put a sender name and address on the back just to include my correct name.

Can’t you put it on your Reply? Either put both your full names and don’t mention it (eg Peter Smith and Jane Jones) or just add a brief, friendly note about you keeping your name.

If you’re feeling really naughty, you could sign the reply “Peter and Jane Jones” and then they might think he took your surname and label the places accordingly 😀 Then you can see from his reaction whether the wrong name matters or not!

It's family admin. RSVP yourself and write PS, most people call me Ms MyNameIsPreciousAndDefinitelyNotHis and I'd prefer you to use my name.

I married my DH last year and I've kept my name. My DM puts my surname and then his in brackets. My godmother calls me Mrs HisName. I honestly don't care and I'm a passionate feminist and I get more pissed off being called Mrs AnyName than Ms HisName. I'd rather fight battles about inequality for women than admin.

Have you lost your ability to speak for yourself?

If it means that much to you to have it corrected for place card that’s only a temporary thing, you should contact them yourself. As PP’s have said, your DH probably doesn’t want to make a fuss over something that no one else will think is an issue.

Can you reply to the invite?

I agree with asking people you trust and who understand, to send things to Ms and Mr Yoursuname, and see how important the right name is to him then.

As pp said, its only not important because it doesnt affect him......same as all the issues with feminism throughout the ages....plus ca change.....

It's just a fuss about nothing IMHO. If it's important to you then you need to make the correction. It's a bit annoying knowing how to address cards to couples with different surnames. Do you put Mr X and Miss Y

You are really over reacting, sorry OP.

YABU. In fact, I think it would be cheeky of your husband to mention it directly to them after receiving the invitation to their big day. I'd just leave it until you see them and mention it in a jokey way so they know in future.

This post is one of the most predictable posts on MN.

What a melt. 🥰

I think you should let it go.

If you can't, you raise it.

You have legally kept your name.

It's a wedding invite, not a court summons.

Have a little glance at the news and think about one brave wife tonight.

I never say that kind of thing but really, 🤔 it's not a death sentence.

The bride will probably just be upset, an oversight.

And as others have said, I have never paid any attention to a seating plan, other than where I am sat.

It’s the sexism that would bother me but my DO would say something to the relative

We are getting married and his name is not important to him, mine is to me so he is taking mine.

In this case, I would send an rsvp accepting but also send them a lovely Christmas note and just say, we would love to accept love from Mr A and Ms B done

I kept my maiden name for years for professional reasons but I really wasn't fussed if DH's family referred to me by his surname. It's the social norm in the UK and they weren't to know I preferred a more modern approach.

I don't blame your DH for not correcting them - it's their wedding after all. The biggest day of their life so far. Your preferred surname isn't their priority.

Why don't you argue?

Is it because you know if you raise something with him he will strop off like a 3yo?

That one brave wife in the news is a reason for her to raise it, we are not our husband or partner’s possession. Either by name, or physically, financially or emotionally.

It’s not a big deal. The couple getting married have enough to deal with- they don’t need the aggro of an rsvp that says you’re not Mrs his name but Ms yourname. It’s just petty.

On a side note, when my DH gets invited to work dinner dos, his placard always says Mr Myname and he is happy to answer to that all evening long…

You are of course NBU but Mumsnet is the wrong place to ask because it is full of women who changed their names on marriage and don't like to think of it as being an unfeminist thing to do so they will put you down and tell you you're being silly.

Oh yes she is!

Complete fuss over nothing and if it bothers you that much text them yourself

I don't blame your DH for not correcting them - it's their wedding after all. The biggest day of their life so far. Your preferred surname isn't their priority.

This, just this, all of it, and in case it get's missed I'll put it below as well.

I don't blame your DH for not correcting them - it's their wedding after all. The biggest day of their life so far. Your preferred surname isn't their priority.