DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

I would like to say I hope his pettiness starts in January and not in the next school year. Swift justice.

Possible

The OP has been very reticent about the "other grievances", but like other posters suspect that this last snub is just the last straw, and DH finally has a specific grievance, having been consistently irked for a long time.
If you are so keen to do favours for your friend, it might be better not to delegate. You get the nice warm glow of being helpful, he gets the loss of quality time with his own children, the delays while they faff about in the morning, or have to speak to a teacher at the end of the school day etc. Since your work means this is not feasible, it may be better to politely decline.
The noble army of 18%, whose support you value so highly, would probably be loath to step into the breach themselves, preferring to tell you how little trouble this would be, for somebody else.
If they are 10-11, I'm guessing Y6, which means a whole new set of issues starting when they change schools in September. Even if they are still at the same school as each other, they may not be in the same form, and it sounds as if their friendship is on the level of being generally civil to a classmate, rather than a chosen buddy, and after-school activities will become more frequent.
However, like many other PP's, I increasingly suspect a reverse....

This is MN. It seems to be the default response to any post containing "DH" 😄

I see his point! And if the kids aren't friends enough to justify being invited, I would feel it's time to call an end to giving lifts. Every single day and 20 mins - that is a lot of time, effort and money your DH has saved them. It's a massive favour. Honestly, I would not want to continue either.

I would override my child's wishes in this case and tell them that OP's children MUST be invited and explain to them about kindness, reciprocation and doing the decent thing. I would then ask them if they would prefer to walk to school in Jan or invite these kids. There is doing what your child wants and then there is doing what is right. I would be teaching the latter.

I don't think your H is being petty - I would be upset like he is in this scenario (assuming my DC would like to celebrate the other kids birthday/go to party).

The family you extend this MASSIVE daily favour too are being foolishly shortsighted in not inviting your DC to the party.

If I was your H I would be feeling arsey in a "take your own kids to school" kid of way.

Maybe I'd like to be the saint who could rise about this, but in reality I think it is very insulting.

I guess a silver lining is your dont need to invite these kids to your DC's birthday parties, or invite this family to any family parties you might have. But if this is the case I wouldnt think of them as friends - so why would I be going out of my way to take the DC to school every day?

Hopefully the kids gave your H a nice bottle of something for Christmas as a thank you for all the lifts on this last day of term.

The utter distain that comes across in your posts for your DH… I too think that maybe you are the CF mate. You seem to know a lot about a party that your kids aren’t invited to. And you seem to prioritise your ‘friend’ above your kids and DH’s happiness - not about the party really but having two kids they are not friends with in the car for 40 minutes every day.

You have zero understanding or appreciation of the impact this has. I bet your DH would love some time alone with his kids. I find they really open up on car journeys. Stop this nonsense now!

This thread will close before the OP returns ...

I was one of those 18%, but after thinking a bit more I have changed my mind.

This is a huge favour being done for your friend and her family, OP. I don't know what it was about your friend's attitude that "grieved" your husband, but given what he is doing for her, anything less that unqualified and profuse gratitude would be the wrong attitude, in my book. And the withholding of a party invite is a bit of a snub, when you think on it. Your DC in the same year group does not have to be best buddies with the birthday boy/girl for them to merit an invite, given the circs. I also think that your DC are forgoing quality time and a smoother commute into school in order to accommodate your friend's child.

So I've switched from YANBU to YABU.

No one has suggested it because it's not warranted. Most posts saying LTB are very much warranted.

Except the ones where it isn't 😎

I'm curious as to what the OP gets out of the relationship with this woman, that she puts it on such a high pedestal over her children and DH.

But your friend, knowing they owe a massive debt of gratitude to your family, could have said to their child "Either we don’t invite everyone you want or you choose a different activity for your party, because we must invite Owlsz Junior. The Owlsz family do us a huge favour every day and it would be very rude and ungrateful not to invite their child."

It's odd that you haven’t answered the questions asking things like how this lift arrangement was initially set up, how long it’s been going on, what happens if your DH has time off work, etc. I know you’ve said they don’t pay for the lifts but do they really never give gifts or show gratitude? If that is the case I’m not at all surprised that your DH was already pissed off with them. And if the children aren’t particularly friendly I expect your DC would much rather have one-to-one time with their Dad every day.

Your attitude to the whole situation is so bizarre I find it impossible to understand. You are falling over yourself to support your friend in her grossly ungrateful actions rather than your husband, who is the one who actually does the favour, and I don’t know why.

Yeah, I’m with your husband here OP, sorry. Your ‘friend’ is a user. It’s not yours or your husband’s problem she can’t get them to school, but to not offer up any kind of remuneration or thank you gift and then to exclude your kids, who hers see twice a day at least on the car journey, is CF of the highest order.

TBH, I think I fall on your DHs side with this.

Yes, at 10/11 the kids are old enough to chose their own guest list. But also old enough to understand that "Oh, Tom's dad does us a MASSIVE favour driving you to school every day, we're inviting them as well." Sorry, but if there are only 10 spaces for kids friends, then you pay for 12.

I'm with your DH on this one. Not inviting your kids is absolutely petty and cheeky as fuck on the other families part

Totally this. It should have been a good lesson for her children to learn about appreciation and kindness. But then she doesn’t seem to understand it so why would she teach her kids.

I commented but didnt actually vote - done so now.

Cant understand who the 18% are. Your "friend" is a user who has done absolutely sod all in exchange for a massive run of favours. Your DH has been a saint to put up with it.

Someone upthread made the excellent point about how nice it can be to get these small moments of time with our younger DC enroute to school. 20 minutes in the car with Dad & the 2 DC is quite precious time, and as the DC will be heading to big school soon these moments are fleeting & soon the opportunity will be gone never to return.

Having 2 other children in the car means this time doesn't happen.

So this "simple favour" is actually a big thing. If I was your H I'd just take my own kids for the rest of the school eyar and enjoy that sliver of time together. Great communication can happen & develop with our kids in cars - its something to do with sitting alongside each other and talking. Or singing, or playing music - whatever. Its can be a really lovely time.

"18% of posters think I am being reasonable"

82% think you are being unreasonable though.

Unbelievably petty and thoughtless of your friend. Team DP here. She's not friend

I'm with him tbh

@Owlsz doesn't want to acknowledge that though, she prefers to focus on the small % that agree with her.

its extremely bad manners tbh.

He is being petty, but she is in the wrong.