DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

Puts me in mind of thread where the op had a pool and there were really good reasons for not running the pool but the op insisted on letting a CF use it while they were away. The majority agreed with the Dh then too.

Yes, having given lifts over the years myself it is a painful process - the other party is often late, you get stuck waiting in the car outside their home while they faff as they are never waiting on the kerb for you, you then get glares and aggression of cars stuck waiting behind you needing to overtake in busy traffic, the fact that it takes longer to get 4 kids out of the car, than 2… which means he may be late or only just get to work most mornings on time… and then the reverse in the evening with it eating into his personal time. I bet the whole thing is pretty stressful, when he could just pop his own kids in the car at his convenience, drop them off after some quality time. And there is not even a regular bottle of wine or some other thank you/payment in recognition?

I’m also team DH. If your DCs couldn’t have gone to the party, then I (personally) would have invited them over for a birthday tea/pizza in lieu.

Relying on others is unsustainable though, she must have her own means of getting them there or they are at an unsuitable school/ impractical

I think the lifts and the party are separate issues. At that age I wouldn't have wanted to feel like a duty invite among a group of close friends - groups are so exclusionary at that kind of age. I agree with those saying the favour is between the parents, so I think DH is making himself look petty by mixing the two issues.

Your friend is a cheeky fucker.

Haha! She is trying to cut costs on an expensive birthday party despite paying nothing for school transport so far this year? What a crap friend. Your husband is right.

I think the lifts and the party are separate issues.

In the real world, the other mum c/should have given the DH and kids a little something for Xmas. That would balance out with not being invited to a party where the DCs may not be best friends with the host DC.

As my DM would have said "it's the thought that counts". Because as things stand there is clearly no thought.

Your DH is doing your friend a massive favour taking and picking up her children and yet she has “attitude” issue with him. The party invite appears to be the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. If it was just the Party invite, I think it would be petty but it isn’t, so I don’t think he is unreasonable in these circumstances. Also he has not just stopped but has informed her that this will stop in the new year, so she has the opportunity to consider other options.

Did you ever speak to your friend about her “attitude”? From your response it would seem that you place more value on her friendship than on your family.

Yes an invitation to your child would be the minimum to be expected if you are not receiving anything such as contribution to petrol or gift. you are saving the parent time and money. Fair enough if your child is not in the same group of children as this child but not showing gratitude in another way by doing/giving something to your kids is completely taking advantage of your nature.

Ugh. He takes over peoples kids in his car for 40 mins a day?! Quite hardcore, I would not be volunteering to do this every school day for my mates let alone dh's mate.

Also your mate sounds like a twat for not inviting your kids OR saying thanks/compensating another way if party was impossible.

Your DH is correct, you are a walk over.

I am one of the 18% who voted you were not being unreasonable, because I thought mixing the party and the car pooling was petty. However I thought about it some more.

Having to get four children to and from school every single day is wearing. Your DH can't work late if he needs to and in the mornings there is a good chance the other DC will hold him up. Even without the party and even if there had been gifts I'm not surprised your DH is tired of it. The party was probably the last straw on top of quite a big haystack, and it just gave him an excuse to bow out. I would let him. Your friend is silly not having a back up plan for getting her DC to school - your DH could get sick, have to travel for business, or you could move away - and then what would she do?

Anyway party or not, DH has had enough, and I’d feel exactly the same. His good will has run out. So unless OP plans to take over the lifts for these freeloaders, it’s done isn’t it!

I agree with your husband!. They should definitely have invited your child. They are taking the piss.

If this is a rural area why can't the CF's kids take the school bus that goes around the villages? If it's an urban area, why can't they take public transport?

And a shameless freeloading cunt.

I remember when I got to the end of doing the school run for my youngest I'd really had enough of it. Your dh probably feels the same. Hopefully now they're 10/11 they'll be able to get themselves to secondary.

This - expecting g your husband and children to continually take other children is an awful lot and whereas I would say children can choose who to invite at that age they are also old enough to recognise that sometimes yiu invite the person who gives you lifts

it is a lot of pressure and this sounds like it is the straw that broke the camels back

your Husband is not being petty. Your child should have had an invite even if they are not in the same circle of friends. All the lifts they get should have at least warranted an invite.

Actually I look at it the other way and at that age they are old enough to understand why some people need to be invited. If someone was doing me such a massive favour I'd make sure they knew how grateful I was which absolutely doesn't seem to be the case. Surely they understand that OPs family help them out every day. I am totally on your husband's side on this one

Well OP you can start taking the kids to school when your husband stops given how she is such a good friend and you think your husband is being pathetic.

Your friends travel arrangements aren't your husbands problem.

He was happy to take her kids to school, but the birthday party incident has made him feel that she is taking the piss, so he doesn't want to do it anymore.

Sounds fair enough to me.

Edited to say that this is the first thread I have commented on where I agree with the husband!

Spot on, @RadioWhatsNew.

@Owlsz - I do understand what you are saying about the limited party numbers, and the child deciding who to invite - but I don't think your dh is wrong to think this is an insulting way to repay the favour he does every day for your friend's children.

In her place, I would have said "@Owlsz - I'm sorry I can't invite your child to X's party, but I want to give your kids a treat to say thank you to your dh for taking them to school every day - it's a massive favour and I really appreciate it. Would they like to (come to the cinema)* with us, after Christmas?"

• insert other treat of choice

Are you coming back @Owlsz ?? 🤣

82% think you are being unreasonable and are posting comments. You seem hell bent on sticking by your friend. Is your husband allowed an opinion or a choice? Even if he just didn't want to do it anymore regardless of a party invitation, surely that would be sufficient reason for the arrangement to stop.

You may be onto something @WhereYouLeftIt this whole post seems to be about the friend