DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

But who are you and I against the tyranny of an 18% majority ?

To some extent, yes. And the other half of the social contract is that when you accept such a large favour you find an appropriate, material way to show your thanks.

PPs who say that if the children are not friends the lack if an invitation is fine have a point that is at least open to debate. But in this case OP’s DC and DH are being subjected to the considerable loss of quality time together, as several PPs have pointed out, for no thanks whatsoever after an entire term.

Who is to say how DH would be reacting if he’d been the recipient of a periodic bottle of nice wine with a treat for OP’s DC also? That would still be a bargain compared to taxis.

Team DH here

At 10/11 they are old enough to know sometimes you need to invite people because it's the right thing to do.

If that means you plan a bigger party that's what you do.

I think you'd feel different if it was you who'd been doing the school run op. Not about the party, but about the lack of appreciation and CFery. He's had enough.

The more I think about it even without the party issue,the friend is a cheeky pisstaker.
Whether you agreed on a monetary sum for this huge favour your husband is doing,and it is a favour, he's not a taxi business, the friend should have been finding a way to show her appreciation. She can't now cry over spilt milk when she's made absolutely no effort and took his goodwill for granted.

Im afraid I’m with your DH on this one. I know it’s on the way to school and he’s not technically going out of his way. That however isn’t the point he’s still doing the parents a huge favor that he doesn’t have to do. I’d be majorly pissed off too, I’ve got to be honest.
Your kids are not worthy of a Birthday invite but they're good enough to share a car ride with every day. I’d be telling the Parents I wasn’t doing it anymore. I’m sure the other parents would be glad to ferry them to school seeing as they get on so splendidly with them.
If that makes me petty I wear my badge with honor. I’m not suggesting you raise hell but I can’t believe how laid back you’re being about this. Speak out for your kids!

PS the CFs who elicit these favours ought to be the first you can turn to when you need one. Funnily, they are often unable to help.

It is good to know @Owlsz that you are such a <<cough cough>> good friend, that you are now going to change your work times to take your <<cough cough>> friend's children.

If you don't, then why not? Surely you aren't that "petty" that you put your work before your friend's children??

WILL NO-ONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN???

I think this is a reverse and the OP is the cf.
I'm
Team husband all the way.

The answer here is that if OP feels that the friends children/the friend need the support of the lifts, then OP should do them. It’s all well and good to bewail how her friend will manage, but it’s not the DH’s responsibility. He’s not married to her. OP should volunteer and leave DH out of it.

Note, as an aside, though, my kids hated the constant invasion of their time and space pre and post school by third parties on the school run. As an occasional thing it was fine, but there were times as puberty approached or they had bad days at school that they really found it distressing to have to maintain civility in the car. The car is an extension of their home and should be their safe space too.

Unless there is a mutual benefit (one set of parents does drop offs, the other does pick ups), it is massively unfair to impose this on the kids or father.

Team Husband here as well. The petty and ungrateful is your friend. Also I can’t understand why you are not backing your Husband who is doing a massive favour everyday to your friend instead of enjoying his free time with his kids.

I'm wondering if the 'friend' is one of the school 'Queen Bees' that we often hear about on here and OP has been included in that elite group because her DH is taking her kids to school. I really can't think of another reason why OP's loyalties would lie not with her DH or her children, but with this CF friend.

A worthy hypothesis, @thepariscrimefiles

Not surprised your DH has had enough of the arrangement.

It's insane that your friend has no other means apart from your family to get her kids to school. You must realise this isn't ok or reasonable.

If she's that good a friend you would tolerate this indefinitely and put your DH out in this way, it does seem very odd that your children aren't invited to their birthday party.

I can see how a birthday party may seem petty as the hill to die on, so to speak, but your friend sounds like a user and I think this is what your DH is picking up on.

Yes, I'm with him.

It's kind of cute he's so in solidarity with your kid though

I cannot comprehend why you are backing your friend over this, @Owlsz. Your DH ferries her DC back and forth each day, so presumably hers and your kids get on well enough to be happy to spend time in the car together. Yet your friend ignored the fact that it might be nice to squeeze them into the birthday event as a thank you for all the free travel your DH has provided. That just shows she doesn't give a toss about your or your family.

And if the kids are 10 and 11, they're old enough to get public transport to school.

The arrangement has run it's course.

She cannot expect her friend's husband, who has two children her own children don't consider friends, to ferry them to and from school indefinitely. It's also really rude that after all this time she hasn't thought to chip in for petrol or DH's time.

She has the option to apply for a school closer to her or organise alternative transport, maybe from one of the friends her DC has invited since they are much closer.

I think OP is the friend tbh.

How long has this arrangement been going on ? Maybe she will buy him a nice Christmas present to thank your DH for his kindness ? If not I would be knocking it on the head. These things can very much breed resentment when one is a taker.

This thread deserves to go into Classics if just for the fact that 944 posts in and not a single poster has suggested LTB.

Your friend was wrong not to invite your children.

I’m on the fence about your dh refusing to take them anymore but totally understand why he feels that way.

I’m with your husband. Taking and picking up everyday is a big ask. I’d be annoyed too at being excluded. Does your friend show any appreciation to your dh? Bottle of something at Xmas, gift card ect? I don’t blame him for feeling like you are being used.

I took a friends kids home (not on the way) for 2 years. When she moved and the kids changed schools, other friends were invited to the new house for a bbq ect but I never was. Realised I wasn’t actually a friend but was just useful to her at that moment and once I stopped being useful then she had no time. There are lots of users out there who take advantage of people’s kind natures. I’d lay money on it your friend is one of them.

First thread said about the cost of the party then another thread says limited spaces . She’s clutching at straws on this one. TEAM HUBBY

Why would anybody? 🤷🏻‍♀️