DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

We? I though you said it was your husband providing the taxi service.

I'm with your husband.

He’s the one taking two extra kids to school every day for no thanks and a bad attitude from your friend, he’s totally within his rights to stop doing it whenever he wants. If the genders were reversed everyone would be telling the person giving the lifts to have some ‘boundaries’

Yes he’s being petty but also your friend is incredibly rude to exclude the people who take her children to and from school every single day!
How on earth would she get them there otherwise? Why on earth did she choose a school that she is unable to get her children to on the first place? She’s asking a massive favour of your husband and to exclude children in the same year group when you are literally saving her hundreds in transportation costs is beyond rude. I would be incredibly angry as well

Team husband

Team husband here

I would find this quite odd and rude and would be annoyed, so I can empathise with your husband.

I’m team husband, that’s appalling, those kids go to school together every single day. No way I’d accept that. Raise your bar op and respect your husbands correct boundaries.

Wow, she gets her kids taken to and from school for free every day and doesn't even offer some petrol money? That's unbelievably rude. There must be times when your kids are off school for some reason or other. What does she do then? Bit daft selecting a school she can't get her kids to.

That aside, it would have been nice if she'd included your child who is in the same year group. I reckon your DH is fed up doing the lifts. How far out of his way does he have to go to pick up/drop off her kids home?

Yeah, I agree with your husband too.

What do you mean with this "He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.". What is her attitude? Is she a bit of a user and he has had enough of it?

What does that mean? Isn't marriage a partnership?

The way you wrote makes me think they are pretty young. I think if the kids are on the very young side, it's easy enough to invite another kid who might not be their top choice but they'll all get along with the excitement and novelty of a birthday party.

But if they are 12 and 15, say, it's much harder to fit a random extra kid in to an established group. And it's like a sliding scale, probably by about 7 or 8, most children will be much more definite about who their friends are and it would feel 'weird' to have a core group of , e.g, 4 children plus the kid who I go to school with in the same car but is not part of our friendship group, type vibe, going on.

I would feel the same as your DH.
Unspeakably rude of your friend. I simply couldn’t not invite the DC of the family who gives my DC lifts every day as a pure favour to me.

She had an absolute cheek not to invite your dc and tbh your attitude towards it would rile me up if I was your DH. You are not doing any part of that favour for which nothing is expected in return - he is so it’s alright for you to be all magnanimous about it when he’s responsible for your friends kids. Every. Single. Day.

Yeah, I'm another with your dh here.

Your friend is a bit silly not to have a solid back up plan for getting her kids to school though. Relying on a friend is always going to be a flakey situation.

I'm pretty much with your DH to be honest. He takes part in doing this huge favour for your friend's family on a daily basis, asking nothing in return. I'd feel taken for granted if I were him and I don't think that is petty.

Inviting your child to the party should have been a given. The least she could do.

Stop the lifts for a while. When she asks why tell her. She owes you an explanation.

Sounds like you are a complete mug, op.

I don't consider myself petty, but I'm team DH.

It is incredibly entitled to expect someone else to ferry your DC to and from school each day without offering some kind of favour in return, or at least profuse and grateful thanks. To then make it clear that their DC aren't close enough friends for a party invite and not even ask them out of politeness or any sense of obligation is beyond cheeky.

She's a silly woman, who has made it abundantly clear that she's a user and the friendship is one way. It's bitten her on the arse.

I think DH is absolutely right to say 'As the children aren't close friends I don't feel obliged to be a free taxi service any longer.'

Your dh doesn’t have to take these two kids to school. It’s not his problem. It’s for the parent/s to sort out. Does this parent pay pay your dh for petrol and wear and tear costs? If not why not? They should be paying. For the friend groups then I understand the no party invite but it must be a hassle for your kids to be stuck in the car with these non friends. Let the parent ask their kids friends for a lift everyday. Edit- it’s to and from school!! No way should your dh be doing this for this cf family.

That's really awful of your friend. I don't blame your DH at all.

[Following on from my earlier comment]

Instead of inviting your kids to things where they're not really wanted, I feel like it would be more appropriate for this friend to do something really nice for your husband - like very generous Christmas present, or something. It's him that's doing her a favour, not your kids.

Team husband

There is no we here. He does this and picking up two extra kids every day is a ballache. I’m also sure there is a back story if he’s aggrieved already with her attitude.

he’s right, he needs to stop this arrangement.

He is doing her a massive favour.
He feels taken advantage of.
He no longer wants to be taken for a mug offer this favour.
He can tell her he is no longer doing it.

Not sure why you've got involved at all? Or felt like you need to tell him what he should or shouldn't feel about it. Or are worrying about it at all.

He can do whatever he likes with this situation.