DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

She’s a CF I’m afraid. Someone used to walk DD to school a few mornings a week so I could get to work on time.
I got her gifts and also took her DD out/for play dates to do something that equally made her life easier by giving her some child free time.
DH knows his children want to go and he’s standing up for them. The fact she does nothing/offers nothing in return is rotten. Has she even bought DH a gift ever?

I agree.

But imagine it was just you, on the lifts and your acquaintance did not reciprocate. And then imagine that it wasn't you involved in the lifts - you simply contracted out your DH who was expected to Do As He Was Told....

I thought reverse too until op appeared last night, clinging to her 18 per cent success rate...

Team Husband. I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel's back and I can't blame him at all. You calling him petty is really unfair.

my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event

But is OK with not contributing to YOUR fuel costs.

It's probably the straw that broke the camels back.
Of course at that age kids want to chose their own guest list for parties - but this set up has shone a spotlight on how unfair this lift situation is: Your husband is committed to taking two kids to school twice daily who aren't even friends with your kids, for no petrol money, and he has issue with the mum too anyway, who has given no reciprocal favours or gifts! He's losing out on 40 mins a day hanging out with just his kids every weekday and your kids are being taught that the needs of random people are more important than theirs. 😬
I take they are all at primary now? How will they get to secondary?!
Why do some mums give their mum friends more consideration than their own families?

As it’s your husband doing the school run, you don’t actually get a say in what he does, you just need to support him. It’s nice he’s putting his children first.

Your friends lack of transport isn't your husbands problem, I'd be annoyed about the party , maybe he will cool down and let it go . I'd rethink this lift especially as it's not reciprocal, what happens when your kids are not going to school does your husband still bring the other kids

I'm very late to this thread but I'm also in the Team Husband camp.

Yes it is petty but it also seems as this is the final straw for your husband who probably feels like he's been taken advantage of especially if your friend doesn't even offer petrol money or buy him a thank you gift. I still want to know what his problem is with her attitude. What's the story with that?

I don't understand why you think your DH is being petty. Your friend put her DC in a school she can't get too and made it his job to get them there. No petrol money, no presents or outings for your DC as a thank you, no invites to her DC party. She's not much of a friend Op.

Your husband is not being unreasonable. It is a huge commitment for him to take two additional children to school every morning and bring them home. It must greatly add to the stress of the day. I think the lack of a party invitation is the straw that broke the camels back and the mother of the children should have insisted that your child be invited to the party. Taking these children to school is not your husband's responsibility.

I think this so-called friend should have included you, DC, in the party! It's not really about the party invitation, but about your husband feeling unappreciated for going out of their way to help people who clearly don't consider them as friends. I am as petty as your hubby, who has every right to stick up for his children. I would also make sure these people were making alternative arrangements for next year's school run!

You still haven't explained what her attitude is that your DH doesn't like. I think you are going to have to stop trying to people please your friend through your DH. If she wants him to take her kids to school she will have to talk/grovel /apologise to him. Let her sort her own life out and stop trying to manipulate your DH.

Statistically that is almost spot on.

In my experience 20% of people are CFs.

Proof MN is indeed a balanced cross section (and an interesting yardstick when other more bizarre splits are thrown up 😀)

Sorry @Owlsz - the update you posted makes the situation worse in my eyes not better. These are kids that could be possibly getting a bus or cycling to school but your DH is expected at this point to be their personal chauffeur.

I'm even more in Team DH than I was before.

It's your dh's choice if he's doing the favour.

If someone was doing me a massive unreciprocated favour like that I would definitely have made space for them at the party! More fool the friend, I think. Of course it's fine to not invite your dc, but it's not nice for your dc to see them so much while they know there's something fun they aren't included in.

Your husband is definitely not being petty.
I wouldn't want to have to bring and collect 2 other children from school every day.
I can't believe your friend has never thanked him with petrol money / gift.
Please don't try and persuade your dh to change his mind. Sounds like he would be resentful if he had to and that's not a fair position to put him in.
Accept his boundaries on this matter.

That your friend won't pay the extra to include your child in the party, is petty considering the favour your dh is doing for her daily.
Your friends issue of bringing her children to & from school is no your dh's problem.

But parents could decide to have a party that allows for more people? Or encourage them to include people that it’s rude to exclude. You sound like a great friend who is being very kind to someone who needs help… but your husband isn’t being unreasonable. You can always decide to drive your friends kids to school if you feel that strongly about it. You’re entitled to your feelings but so are your kids and your husband.

But why then are you excusing the child/parent and railing your husband? Majority of people are siding with him.

I don’t rely on anyone else to take my child to and from school, I use afterschool clubs/childminder/make sure I am
around. Perhaps this lady that uses your husband as a free taxi should do the same. You aren’t the one ferrying someone elses kid, he is, it is not down to you who he has in his car. If you feel so strongly about it maybe you can ferry them all instead. Team Husband

I think the key think is here is you are both exchanging the favour equally of giving lifts to each other kids so helping each other out

Like PP, I call reverse on this. The OP hasn't answered any questions about the background of this and why the DH has other issues - probably because she is the 'friend' and therefore doesn't know the answers.

The cost of inviting your two children to a child’s party is minimal, especially when you factor in all the money she is saving by your DH taking the children to school.
Im sorry but your DH is correct. She has been very rude. And I would be telling her so.

So you’ve seen the majority opinion OP are you going to do the right thing and give your husband some support in this.
It would be interesting if you gave him this thread to read, but I suspect you won’t, you’d not change if the vote was 100%
I can’t believe they have never given your husband a gift at any time to say ‘thank you you’ve been brilliant giving us a lift every day’.
He’s right, the majority think he’s right, the Christmas break is the ideal time to say the lifts have come to an end.

It's very bad etiquette on your friend's behalf. I wouldn't say your DH was being petty. I'm not sure I'd be able to take a stand the way he has as I'd think I'd put up with it for the greater cause of peace and quiet and not upsetting your DC. I'd talk to her about it and see if that helps.

With parties there are always one or two sets of parents who don't think things through properly. When our DC started a new primary, he invited a new school friend to a one off event for kids at my workplace. I was extremely disappointed that the friend left him off the list at his next birthday party. I let it ride for the greater good, but that doesn't mean I felt it was right or could be justified. We did invite him to our DC's next birthday party.