DH showing an unbelievable level of pettiness

[Owlsz]

DH takes and collects my friend's 2 children to school every day, as well as our two. We live a 20 minute drive from the school and it's on the way to DH's work.

My friend's child is having a birthday party but hasn't invited my DC despite being in the same year group at school. I don't see any problem with this as they have different friendship groups and my friend is inviting a limited number of children because of the cost of the event. My DC has indicated they would have liked to attend but understand why they weren't invited.

DH does have an issue with this and is refusing to take my friend's DC to and from school, starting from the next year, calling the non- invitation an insult. He is also grieved at my friend's attitude, so is probably using this as an excuse.

I've pushed him to reconsider but he has refused.

I cannot take the children to school as I'm at work. My friend has no other means of transport, there is no one near her that is travelling in the same direction.

They're not going to get any favours from Ms No Petrol Money and No Party Invite though. So I wouldn't worry about that. Team Husband.

A favour from someone incapable or unwilling to ever take or pick up her own children from school and then snubs the sucker doing the heavy lifting? What's a person like that good for?

No favour is big enough to cover lifts to and from school every day!

This. I’m also Team Husband. Though I suspect this is a reverse.

Yeah team DH too, he's the one who has his morning inconvenienced by additional people in the car, waiting around for them etc. You could just say to her that he's decided the arrangement doesn't work for him anymore.

I'm with your husband. A party invite would have been a small way to acknowledge the incredible favour you're doing her and a way to make things 'equal', does she give presents at the end of term or anything? You said cost was probably a factor but how much is she saving by her kids getting free lifts every day..

I’m another one who is team DH.
I think she is being really mean not inviting your DC’s and in future it would be her problem to sort out how she gets her children to school.

If the kids aren't friendly enough to be invited to each other's parties then forcing them to do the school run together must be tough going.

Good for your DH.

One of our golden rules in our marriage is that we don’t make promises and commitments on behalf of the other person without their agreement. Your DH has withdrawn his agreement as he is entitled to do. This commitment requires nothing from you but requires effort from him so it isn’t your decision.
Another one team DH

I'm with DH.

Its a good job your H isn't as much of a doormat as you OP.
Have this family never offered petrol money or at least bought your H a box of chocs or something?
They are piss takers and its good that your H at least seesm to recognise that

Team DH. The height of CF which she clearly didn’t think through. She could have issued invitations easily, which your DC could have then decided on.
I think it’s her who isn’t just being petty, she’s absolutely taking the piss.
She’s saving a fortune on transport, your DH is clearly reliable. Just because he’s going that way, he’s not the school bus service.

Team husband here. He is dead right to put his foot down, your friend is incredibly cheeky. She's not even offering petrol money , the least she could do is make sure your kids are invited to parties .

The DC are together - just the four of them - for 40 minutes a day, every day. Presumably they chat and get on during that time? It would be hard not to have built up a friendship of sorts over the time this has been happening - even if they move in different circles at school. On that basis, I actually think it's really rude not to have included them in the party invitation.

It's your DH doing the favour - and he was probably doing it, partly on the basis that he was collecting the DCs friends, who are on his route. Now that it transpires that they are not 'friends' enough to be invited to a party, he feels less inclined to be their taxi driver.

#teamhusband

And if I'm honest, I reckon you can probably see it to, but just don't want the confrontation (which I get), but seriously? Come on....

Would you be happy to accept a favour so big for an entire school year without once offering to reimburse the driver?

Your husband is not being petty here, OP. He's sticking up for himself and his children.

You otoh are expecting him to be a doormat like you. You need to adopt your husband's attitude.

I’m with your DH, he does them a huge favour and couldn’t extend the invite? Sorry but her issue

Op has done a runner

Your friend fucked up. It's just basic manners. If her kids didn't want to invite yours she should have pointed out to them that they receive a big favour from your family every day. But she didn't so she's not getting it any more.

Team dh!

Does your friend even thank DH for the lifts? Do you? I would guess your DH hasn’t ever been keen on doing it and this is just a bit of a last straw. Your friend seems to have taken this favour for granted, and maybe you have too?

Taking two extra kids is hassle enough, two who aren’t friendly with his own kids probably makes the journey much more of a chore. It also means what could be a great opportunity to be there for his own kids is scuppered. I don’t think it’s petty for him to think neither he nor his kids should be going out of their way for someone who doesn’t seem to give a fig about them.

Maybe there’s a lot going on that you haven’t mentioned, and your DH should be thinking of this as the least he can do for some reason. But absent some such explanation, YABU.

I'm thinking that your friend is a bit of a cf for your DH doing this every day without any recompense. Does she get him a bottle of wine at Christmas or on his birthday or anything? A small token of her thanks - or perhaps she returns favours by having your DCs? I think it would have been kind to invite your DC but I understand why they weren't invited thinking about limited numbers etc and if your DCs aren't actually friends at school.
I know you're not expecting anything but it is good manners and respectful to acknowledge that someone is going out of their way to help you out of a big old hole! Frankly, if DH does't want to take her DCs any more then that is her problem and not your family problem. Sounds to me like the party invite (or lack of) is the catalyst in your DH being fed up with the arrangement. She'll have to find another way to get her DCs to school.

A favour is "oh shit, my car has a flat tyre. Friend, could you do the school run for me today whilst I get this sorted"

Not

"Can you drive my two kids to and from school every....single.....day with no fuel money, no thanks and by the way, our kids aren't close enough friends for me to pay for them to come to the party"

I do lots of favours for friends, I've done school runs, taken my friends kids to work, had them at mine when there was snow days and vice versa to my friend. I'd feel like a right CF doing what the OPs friend has done as that's not a favour, that's a 39 week a year commitment.

I think the party invitation is a red herring here.

Car sharing can be an awkward arrangement to get yourself out of.

If the children had been invited to the party would he have happily continued giving lifts in the weeks and months to come?

The husband is pouncing on this as a potentially good excuse to stop doing the lifts.

I think it would have been simple good manners to invite your DS to the party since your family provide theirs with a free school transport service. I don't think he's been petty at all. As the saying goes, all actions have consequences.

I'm with your Dh sorry, she's a proper user. It wouldn't have been that hard to invite your kids. She doesn't appreciate what he does for her. You don't do it, so it isn't a "we".

I think it’s fair enough that the birthday child picks their actual friends for their party and your DH is unreasonable to expect an invitation.

It is completely reasonable for him to decide he doesn’t want to be a chauffeur service for someone else’s kids every day for the foreseeable, in a non reciprocal arrangement, with someone who’s not even his friend but his spouse’s. Your friend is daft to rely on such an arrangement, he was inevitably going to get fed up with it.