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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dreading step-daughter coming home

879 replies

AquaAnsie · 19/12/2024 15:45

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

OP posts:
Howmanycatsistoomany · 19/12/2024 15:55

I mean, they're all adults so I think you have to just let them get on with it. Who invited the boyfriend to stay?

Original poster
AquaAnsie · 19/12/2024 15:57

Howmanycatsistoomany · 19/12/2024 15:55

I mean, they're all adults so I think you have to just let them get on with it. Who invited the boyfriend to stay?

DH, but DSD said she wasn't coming without him as they wanted to spend Christmas together, so wither it was here with him or they'd both go to his family.

This happened a couple of years ago too with her last boyfriend and it was awful.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 19/12/2024 15:58

This sounds like a difficult situation and DSD doesn't sound like the most pleasant of girls (to put it lightly!). I understand your dread but I don't see what you can do about it really. Your DH should definitely ask his daughter to be kind if she's making mean remarks to your daughters. Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him before she arrives.
However, my initial reaction is that your DH is living with two (or three?) of your children with another one living a few minutes away. I imagine the autism diagnosis means there are some challenges involved (I hope this isn't an offensive thing to say. Apologies, if so).
Your DH essentially has to be with your children a lot of the time, including sharing his home with your adult children. Therefore, you can't really complain when his only child comes and visits for a few days. Yes, I understand your dread. It's completely justified, but it's a situation that you just have to endure because it's his home too and he's entitled to spend time with his daughter.

Porkyporkchop · 19/12/2024 15:59

I think your dh is accommodating your children so you have to accommodate his. You can’t discard her because she doesn’t fit in with Your family. I suspect she feels outcast and that is why she is saying mean things.

Justcallmebebes · 19/12/2024 15:59

SallyWD · 19/12/2024 15:58

This sounds like a difficult situation and DSD doesn't sound like the most pleasant of girls (to put it lightly!). I understand your dread but I don't see what you can do about it really. Your DH should definitely ask his daughter to be kind if she's making mean remarks to your daughters. Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him before she arrives.
However, my initial reaction is that your DH is living with two (or three?) of your children with another one living a few minutes away. I imagine the autism diagnosis means there are some challenges involved (I hope this isn't an offensive thing to say. Apologies, if so).
Your DH essentially has to be with your children a lot of the time, including sharing his home with your adult children. Therefore, you can't really complain when his only child comes and visits for a few days. Yes, I understand your dread. It's completely justified, but it's a situation that you just have to endure because it's his home too and he's entitled to spend time with his daughter.

I agree with this. It's only a couple of days so I think you need to suck it up but your DH should speak to his DD of there is any bullying or snide remarks

Original poster
AquaAnsie · 19/12/2024 16:02

SallyWD · 19/12/2024 15:58

This sounds like a difficult situation and DSD doesn't sound like the most pleasant of girls (to put it lightly!). I understand your dread but I don't see what you can do about it really. Your DH should definitely ask his daughter to be kind if she's making mean remarks to your daughters. Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him before she arrives.
However, my initial reaction is that your DH is living with two (or three?) of your children with another one living a few minutes away. I imagine the autism diagnosis means there are some challenges involved (I hope this isn't an offensive thing to say. Apologies, if so).
Your DH essentially has to be with your children a lot of the time, including sharing his home with your adult children. Therefore, you can't really complain when his only child comes and visits for a few days. Yes, I understand your dread. It's completely justified, but it's a situation that you just have to endure because it's his home too and he's entitled to spend time with his daughter.

The issue is no one else see's that she is actually quite mean and bitchy. DH's parents act like she poops rainbows and every time we run into anyone in our town who know her, it's "oh you must be so proud, she's so smart, talented and gorgeous too!"
DH and I have spoken about it but his view is that she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in her "home" (she grew up here my kids obviously didn't). I don't think saying don't go out late and if you want to listen to music use earphones is walking on eggshells. He thinks my DD's sometimes seek drama by complaining but they are genuinely struggling not just complaining for fun.

OP posts:
OtterlyMad · 19/12/2024 16:03

I can see your point of view but also see hers. It must have been difficult for your step-daughter getting “swallowed up” by such a large established family, especially being an only child. And it does sound like your daughters require rather a lot of time/attention - is it possible your stepdaughter (and potentially also your son) feel like their achievements are overlooked because everyone has to focus on and prioritise your daughters’ needs?

I’m afraid I do think your comments about her boyfriend are unreasonable, you can’t expect your step-daughter to not see her partner because it will disrupt the routine of a grown adult…

vivainsomnia · 19/12/2024 16:03

It's totally understandable that you and your DD won't be looking forward to that time, bit Inthink it's one of those occasions when you'll just have to bear it and try to make it as unpleasant as possible.

It's OK for your DD to stay in her room. She doesn't have to interact with them if it makes her uneasy, but DH has the right to spend time with his daughter and to get to know her boyfriend. Denying him that or a few days a year would not really be fair.

EachandEveryone · 19/12/2024 16:06

She might be on her best behaviour if she has a new bf in tow?

Itaverages · 19/12/2024 16:06

I can't get over the fact you married the father of one of your daughters school bullies knowing it would put the bully in her life forever and she's now having to deal with it in her 20s.

vivainsomnia · 19/12/2024 16:06

The issue is no one else see's that she is actually quite mean and bitchy. DH's parents act like she poops rainbows and every time we run into anyone in our town who know her, it's "oh you must be so proud, she's so smart, talented and gorgeous too!"
Why do you refer to this as an issue? It sounds like they indeed have much to be proud of. The fact that your DDs have different aspirations, difficulties that she hasn't had to deal with doesn't mean she shouldn't be congratulated for her achievements. You even seem cross with your son because he doesn't think bad of her. Why?

GooseGoldenEgg · 19/12/2024 16:07

I think you sound a bit jealous of her even though she does sound a bit bitchy. From her point of view she goes back to the home she grew up in, her dad's home, very infrequently and her dad's partner plus her adult children all now live there and are part of her dad's day to day life in a way that she isn't.

She isn't doing anything wrong by going out late, or by bringing a boyfriend. Everyone involved needs to be considerate including your DC (who are adults and may need to tolerate music being played). The only thing you can really do is call out any mean comments.

Did you get together with your DP knowing your daughters say that his daughter bullied them? If so you must have foreseen a happy blended family wouldn't be on the cards?

Meadowfinch · 19/12/2024 16:08

Can you take your dcs and spend Sunday, Monday and Tuesday visiting your family? Give DSD some time alone with her dad & BF.

Return to the family home on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas day together, and then hopefully your DSD will head off to her bf's parents after that.

SallyWD · 19/12/2024 16:08

AquaAnsie · 19/12/2024 16:02

The issue is no one else see's that she is actually quite mean and bitchy. DH's parents act like she poops rainbows and every time we run into anyone in our town who know her, it's "oh you must be so proud, she's so smart, talented and gorgeous too!"
DH and I have spoken about it but his view is that she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in her "home" (she grew up here my kids obviously didn't). I don't think saying don't go out late and if you want to listen to music use earphones is walking on eggshells. He thinks my DD's sometimes seek drama by complaining but they are genuinely struggling not just complaining for fun.

Show quote history

I do understand and it does sound hard. However, can you see it from DSD's point of view? This is her family home where she grew up and there's now another woman and her daughter's living there who clearly really don't want her there, on the rare occasions she visits her dad. Perhaps this is why she's a little bitchy - she may feel pushed out. Her bringing her boyfriend to stay shouldn't be an issue. It's her family home, it's Christmas. Why wouldn't she bring him?

LittlePickleHead · 19/12/2024 16:08

Have to agree with @Itaverages, the entire situation was never going to be all sunshine and rainbows with the bullying situation in their shared history. I don't understand why people don't enter these blended family situations with their eyes open as to the challenges.

Your DSD shouldn't be made to feel unwelcome in her own home, even if you don't like her. You need to suck it up because you married her dad.

Coconutter24 · 19/12/2024 16:09

I think your DH probably has to deal with a lot more all year round than you will have to by putting up with his DD for a few days.

My DS also puts on an act when she is here
How is that your DSD fault? Have you spoke to your DS about the act he puts on? She can’t be to blame for his actions that is solely down to him.

jimmyateworld · 19/12/2024 16:12

GooseGoldenEgg · 19/12/2024 16:07

I think you sound a bit jealous of her even though she does sound a bit bitchy. From her point of view she goes back to the home she grew up in, her dad's home, very infrequently and her dad's partner plus her adult children all now live there and are part of her dad's day to day life in a way that she isn't.

She isn't doing anything wrong by going out late, or by bringing a boyfriend. Everyone involved needs to be considerate including your DC (who are adults and may need to tolerate music being played). The only thing you can really do is call out any mean comments.

Did you get together with your DP knowing your daughters say that his daughter bullied them? If so you must have foreseen a happy blended family wouldn't be on the cards?

Sorry op but first thing I thought was that you sound jealous of her. It isn't a competition between the kids.
Okay fair enough she doesn't sound the nicest, but that's because of the way you have described her. Also, if she was one of the bullies no wonder your daughters dislike her. And I think that's why you don't too.

TTPDTS · 19/12/2024 16:12

GooseGoldenEgg · 19/12/2024 16:07

I think you sound a bit jealous of her even though she does sound a bit bitchy. From her point of view she goes back to the home she grew up in, her dad's home, very infrequently and her dad's partner plus her adult children all now live there and are part of her dad's day to day life in a way that she isn't.

She isn't doing anything wrong by going out late, or by bringing a boyfriend. Everyone involved needs to be considerate including your DC (who are adults and may need to tolerate music being played). The only thing you can really do is call out any mean comments.

Did you get together with your DP knowing your daughters say that his daughter bullied them? If so you must have foreseen a happy blended family wouldn't be on the cards?

This is 100% what I was going to say!

You're the one who married the parent of your child's childhood bullies 🤷 your SD sounds a bit mean, but coming home after a night out (quietly enough she's only waking one light sleeper and not everyone!) and making the odd bitchy comment (which sounds very much like a normal sibling comment imo) is hardly the crime of the century.

Perhaps your DS is agreeing with her because you're so focused on your other DDs that you can't see perhaps the other side of the argument isn't all wrong.

AgnesX · 19/12/2024 16:13

Porkyporkchop · 19/12/2024 15:59

I think your dh is accommodating your children so you have to accommodate his. You can’t discard her because she doesn’t fit in with Your family. I suspect she feels outcast and that is why she is saying mean things.

By the sounds of things she's old enough and bright enough to know not to say mean things. It also sounds like she's totally lacking in emotional intelligence and maturity.

The OP can only hope DSD will be on her best behaviour in front of the boyfriend.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 19/12/2024 16:16

Your DH is not wrong - his DD shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in her home (it's her childhood home, so yes, it's home). And YABU for thinking you can tell a grown adult not to go out late and use earphones. Your DDs needs/wants do not trump his DDs.
Can your 23yo spend some time at the 25yo's place? You don't have to spend that much time all of you together surely?

MaryJosephandCherylnotJesus · 19/12/2024 16:16

Hang on, you married the father of your daughter's bully? What a way to make your daughter feel loved and cared about...

Alittlebitfluffy · 19/12/2024 16:17

Feel sorry for the step daughter here. I've been in this situation where I feel totally unwelcome by my dad and the 'new family'. I think you're being a bit unfair. Your daughters are basically the same age as her if not older and you're acting like they're traumatised 9 year olds.

Alittlebitfluffy · 19/12/2024 16:19

It doesnt sound like she was the bully but that her wider friend group were the bullies. I also feel like the stepdaughter is being painted in a particular view here that may not be truthful as OP clearly dislikes her.

Bobbie12345 · 19/12/2024 16:20

I think it sounds very hard but in line with many previous posters feel quite bad for DSD.
The bitchy comments you mention don’t sound terribly unreasonable to me. If DSD comes home and is out for a walk and an overweight teen is grumbling about being tired and is spoiling the walk then I can understand her frustration. If your kids really aren’t working and your partner is funding them then again, I see her side.

Takoneko · 19/12/2024 16:22

I also feel a bit sorry for the DSD. This is her childhood home and she’s not doing anything terribly wrong from what I can see.

She shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells. Your daughters are grown adults.