Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

I would say not wanting someone to speak their native foreign language because they have never heard a foreign language definitely crosses a line!

I think there is a difference between reasonable adjustments like asking someone to vape outside (totally fair) but telling someone who is an adult they can’t stay out past their siblings bedtime or else they will turn into a pumpkin because they will scare their adult sibling is completely unreasonable.

@sixtyten Pandering in this scenario is what the op defines as pandering as she has already said she does pander to them.

On pandering - the noise is a good example of it.

My ds is ND and has very similar issues with noise at night and often noise in general.But we have made adjustments that don't inhibit everyone else in the household - he has white noise and an audiobook on while he is going to sleep. In the night if he is woken, he puts on another audiobook. In the day, in noisy environments, he has noise cancelling headphones

He has managed this for himself since he was 4 and many ND children do likewise.

I appreciate there are differences levels of autism and neurodiversity but the fact that noise cancelling headphones came after controlling everyone else in the household in the OP's view of tackle it suggests that she panders.

yes I was wondering how this works, if just music stresses the DD out so much. There are 4 people living in this household, does this mean no tv, no other noises, the entire household is like the Quiet Place? Because OP doesn't say SDS plays excessively loud music, just music.

The strong implication is that the entire household has a strict curfew and cannot make any noise after the middle DD goes to bed. Bloody ridiculous especially coupled with never allowing strangers across the threshold because they scare middle DD. I am astonished the DH puts up with it

She said

When my middle child is uncomfortable it is miserable for everyone involved, and I don't find saying no music or home before she sleeps is that much of a bother.

Which is possibly why they take so many father daughter snowboarding trips

it is a valid point though how much the husband and SD have Adapted to them and they still want more

The other strong implication is that the middle DD has been allowed to control everybody else, and encouraged in her irrational "being scared" of her step-sister returning to her home. And that this irrational fear has been encouraged by @AquaAnsie

Yes, I was rather surprised that OP had an adult child with autism, who's very sensitive to noise, and she hadn't already considered noise cancelling headphones. Instead everyone is expected to adapt their behaviour so as not to scare the daughter.

It is an important point. Dismissing the DSD's achievements as you did as advantages which just fell into her lap misses an important point. You said, "She is an adult and should have some self-awareness about the fact that life has dealt her a good hand (Oxbridge, good job, etc.)"

You do. It's a great job, always interesting and challenging, and feels (to me) genuinely useful. I'm lucky to do it. But it also isn't a career you acquire free at a raffle, it takes a fair amount of work,

The DSD doesn't seem to be a bully, even taking into account the OP's most direct accusations. OP remembers ten names as the school bully's, not the DSD's name. DD mentioned it over dinner one night a year in, DSD denied it, and said she was friends with some of the bullies, not one of them. OP can remember two snide/bitchy comments over about 6 years from DSD, which in all the circumstances is remarkably tolerant of DSD.
DD2 is also, obviously, extremely difficult - if she feels upset, the whole house is "miserable".
So apparently DSD should stop doing all the unreasonable things in her family home such as <checks notes> having a boyfriend who talks loudly and for whom English is a second language, and going out at night and coming back quietly.

Fair point. I used "pandering" because the OP used it herself earlier in the thread.

Others have given examples such as the noise. Another poster earlier said she occasionally drives different routes or does not mention a visitor coming to her autistic DS because she knows he may be in situations where something unexpected happens and he needs to learn coping strategies.

In the case of those I know, the ND sibling expects the NT one to respond to her needs immediately if she has a problem which can be very minor. This of course can be distressing and difficult for them to cope with but because they were never made to wait for a small issue to be resolved they have no strategies to manage small stresses.

There is a difference between meeting their needs and centering the behaviour of the whole household - visiting members included - around the ND person at all times - not wanting the boyfriend to speak his own language because the ND daughter had never been abroad, for example.

I'm sure anyone becoming a successful lawyer in London was both born talented and worked hard.

I did not intentionally belittle or dismiss DSD's similar achievements so apologies for any offence caused.

As per the point of my post, I think we should always be gracious about our successes as many people are talented and work hard but do not achieve such success for a myriad of reasons which are not always under our control.
But I know the post subsequently moved on and it became clear that DSD was less of a bully.

Your kids need to claim housing benefit/universal credit. Your husband may have offered money but any self respecting adult would want to look after themselves.

I know the op hasn't been back for a while but I echo what pp have said. This thread has been a wakeup call for me Will wise and I'll make it a priority to make a Will leaving half of our estate to our dc. Lest my dh takes up with someone after my sad demise who has a houseful of adult dependent relatives. At least like in this dsd's case half the property would be protected. I'll also tell him to be happy but to choose wisely..

I think it’s easy to sleepwalk into these kind of family setups. You try to keep the peace by accommodating the wishes and needs of a family member with autism. Mum says to the other kids ‘oh just do it, they can’t help it’. These accommodations increase year on year and one person ends up controlling the household. If the child continues to live at home as an adult it can get very tricky indeed.

Hi OP, How was Christmas with the new mindset? I do hope the whole family had a good time together.

@differenceinperspective

Hi, it went quite well. No big arguments or fall outs. My girls stayed in their room a lot but were friendly. DSD bf proposed on Christmas Eve so that too up most of the chat and attention!
Definitely the friendliest they have all been and least stressful.

Lovely update OP.

Well done for taking the feedback you got here on board.

Here's to improved family dynamics from hereon in.

Thank you for the lovely update! I wish you and all your family the best.

Lovely update

Really glad to hear it went well OP.

I always find it interesting to read the threads coming from parents of other autistic children along the lines of "My child manages this issue, and therefore so can yours". Im alright, Jack! Right?
No, you clearly do not appreciate there are different levels of autism and neurodiversity.

@MonaLisaDoesntSmile Of course, but those posters were just sharing suggestions that work for their families -and also making the point that it’s not always reasonable “to inhibit everyone else in the household” as @kiraric says.

The OP’s DSD has a right to spend time in her family home and she’s allowed to go out/have boyfriends over, etc. Her step-sisters can’t refuse to let her stay and dictate everything that happens in the household.

Anyway, it sounds like it was a lovely visit, which is great!

Lovely OP, new year, new start. Well done.
It's possible to be a happy blended family, much better than being miserable.

❤️.