Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

This. Christ I wish I'd had my shit together as much as she has at her age.

This whole thing reads to me like the OP is insanely jealous of her partner's child and justifying it by making her out to be bitchy. She wasn't one of the bullies, as you clearly all know. You'd have said if she was, not fudged it that she 'might have been.' And if my dad had married a woman and was supporting her four adult children who all live at home and don't seem to be working, I'd probably not be impressed either. Strong Cinderella vibes from this post.

This /^

and I say this as a mum of 1 and step mum to 3

It sounds like DSD is a successful, hardworking young woman with a healthy, normal social life who occasionally has disagreements with your 23 yo but has a great relationship with your son. I can see how she feels frustrated seeing someone only one year younger than her who isn't making any moves towards living independently, but without knowing your DD it's impossible to say whether she's capable of that or not given her ND. It's unreasonable to be making such a fuss over your DH's daughter visiting for 3 days when your own daughters live there 24/7, she has as much right to see her parents as they do.

Why did you set up home with the father of your children's bully?

Me too, to be honest - although I know others will hate to read that and probably insist I'm also jealous of some 24 year old lawyer.

Like, the bullying behaviour is plain to see in the OP, unless we're going to say that OP is fabricating it. Telling someone "you wouldn't be tired if you lost some weight" is just disgraceful? Yet apparently it's understandable because the young woman in question (OP's autistic daughter) isn't "making moves to be independent". Right...

I don’t doubt that some are, but nor do I doubt that some have a lot of people projecting imagined faults onto them. We don’t know if this girl was or wasn’t, and personally I’m not inclined to believe she was because OP said so.

Putting aside the fact that I don’t need to think she’s ‘nice’ or not, I wouldn’t judge someone’s entire character based on one comment about weight.

I think the ‘going out late’ needs to be separated from any other issues here. So long as she’s not making excessive noise, she’s perfectly entitled to go out with her friends and can’t help that your DD is a light sleeper. It is your DSD’s home too.

You clearly don’t like her. The mind boggles why you married her father. Must of been the free lodgings.

His right his daughter shouldn’t be having to tip toe in her childhood home you all moved into and took over basically.

So what if people are proud of her? Why can’t they be? Maybe your son is his real self around her and also fed up of the babying his sisters get. When are they going to move into real adulthood and thrive outside of this man’s house?

Same. My daughter has been overweight and some of her cousins (she has loads) have made snide comments before. It's part and parcel of being a big family. Kids especially don't get on all the time. You don't hold grudges about it forever.

If your daughter was truly bullied by your SD at school, I find it difficult to believe you would have happily married her father and moved your children into the SD's home.

If that's actually accurate, this is on you, frankly, OP.

This is your SD's home. And she's had to put up with her father remarrying and bringing FOUR step siblings into her home and life. And you resent her for coming home and living her life for 3-4 days at the holidays?

YABU

YABU also for your failure to help teach your daughters to cope in the real world. They're adults, not children, yet you talk about them like they're little children who haven't learned to cope with normal, every day things. Someone else coming and going IN THEIR OWN HOME, playing music, and seeing their friends shouldn't be an issue like you're making it out to be.

She has to suck up the fact that he decided to move OP and her kids into his home, yes.

He doesn’t have to suck up anything if he doesn’t want to. Nor does OP tbf, she could of course choose to leave.

I mean….she can come and go whatever time surely? ….she’s not a child…..I can see both side….but ultimately your kids will just have to suck it up ….like your DH says…..it’s her ‘home’

It's a real shame for your children that you chose to marry the father of the person who bullied them

🤷‍♂️

I mean she’s an adult. Her parents can do what the hell they like. It’s not selfish to your TWENTY FOUR YEAR OLD to live with your new spouse. Come on.

The way I would look at this if I were you is:

Living with your kids is likely pretty challenging for your DH at times.

He lives with three stepchildren all the time and makes loads of compromises, including it sounds like financially supporting them

You only have to deal with one step child for a few days a year

Do it for him even if you don't like her and try to appreciate what he does for you

How come your husband finances your adult children? That must suck for the step daughter. She is doing well visiting and being polite, The 5 of you must get on her nerves so much and she must be detesting the fact that her father married you, yet she is making a success out of her life.

you sound quite unpleasant @AquaAnsie .

Also do you actually have a job? What % do yo contribute to the household pot?

Goddess..

This is all I can see as well. Poor girl!

It was her home before it was yours or your daughters, and I think you all need to remember that.

Autistic or not, your daughters are adults and they can’t expect to be accommodated all the time.

Okay wow, went to wrap presents and there are now lots of replies.

We didn't introduce our kids for over a year and her name wasn't familiar so I didn't realise she was one of the crowd who did the bullying. I knew her name only from being the girl who won all the prizes at prize giving and was Head Girl. Why would I ever assume she was a bully.

When it came out, it was actually at a meal about 2 years into the relationship, we were talking about bullys in my youngest DD's year and my middle DD said "Well DSD would know a lot about bullying". It turned into an argument with DSD saying that she never bullied anyone, my DDs saying that she was friends with the key bullies and DSD saying that they know fine well she didn't bully them but they are trying to make her look bad. I asked my DD's if they wanted me to leave DH and they said no.

As for the other comment, I work part-time, my 25 year old works part-time, 23 year old doesn't work and 20 year old is at college. The house has no mortgage and DH does cover the bills and between us we pay my eldest's rent as she doesn't make a lot. I wouldn't say he funds them anymore than he does his DD (takes her snowboarding every year and pays for her summer holiday).

Where did I say it was selfish?

You asked whether she had to suck anything up, and the answer to that is yes. If she doesn’t like OP and her children living there then yes, she does. Same as OP and her daughters have to suck up the stepdaughter’s presence.

But OP's DH is sulking it up! He's living with his step children and seemingly financially supporting them, yet there are complaints when his only child visits for a few days at Christmas.

If you're doing well you're lucky. Takes a long time for some people to learn that.

I can't agree with this. If you're doing well you likely are lucky (to have had the opportunities and ability to begin with) BUT you also likely put in a lot of work (I know exactly how much work the DSD has put in, is putting in, is earning). Lots of people work very hard and get nowhere/not very far. The point is that it takes both things, just like simply being lucky enough to have talent isn't enough.

Arrogance is unpleasant in every circumstance. DSD doesn't sound arrogant to me. She sounds pissed off at the situation her dad has put her in over the holidays. No wonder she wants her boyfriend to be with her. Her Christmas at home sounds incredibly stressful.

Will your daughters always live with you or very close to you? I think you and they need to work on some healthier coping skills and that will help them in other areas of their lives, I would imagine. I am struggling with the fact you married a man who had a daughter you know bullied your daughters with autism.

So you all live rent free and helps pay your moved out child’s rent. The daughter isn’t wrong. You’re all freeloading off her dad. No wonder she cares not for yours or your daughters preferences.

This Has to be a joke to be honest. Poor chaps been taken for a right mug and his own child is wanted in his own house because of the incomes. Madness.