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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dreading step-daughter coming home

879 replies

AquaAnsie · 19/12/2024 15:45

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

OP posts:
Overitallnow · 19/12/2024 16:44

It was her home before it was your home.

BESTAUNTB · 19/12/2024 16:45

She absolutely shouldn’t be snide about your daughter’s weight but other than that she’s not doing anything wrong.

Being part of a group of pretty, sporty, clever girls at school isn’t a crime either tbh. You imply that she wasn’t a bully herself.

From her viewpoint, it can’t be great to return to a childhood home with you and your adult kids installed in it.

You do sound jealous tbh. But I am too! She seeems to have everything going for her.

Things will improve when all the young people are independent I think. Which isn’t far off. For now, everyone will need to try to get along as best they can. But with unpleasant remarks about weight being called out, as you’d do with everyone.

Dery · 19/12/2024 16:45

It’s been said upthread: your attitude to your DSD is incredibly lacking in imagination and absolutely awful. It was presumably open to you not to marry her father but now you’re complaining about her whilst casually edging her out of the house she grew up in and making sure you and your 4 adult children are very comfortably installed there. The truly mean one here is you, OP.

recipientofraspberries · 19/12/2024 16:45

Itaverages · 19/12/2024 16:06

I can't get over the fact you married the father of one of your daughters school bullies knowing it would put the bully in her life forever and she's now having to deal with it in her 20s.

Yep.

I'm an autistic adult and I was bullied by the lovely, gorgeous, bright middle-class teens at my school. I know exactly, precisely what it is like to be targeted by the ones who in adults' eyes can do no wrong. I see that it doesn't change as they reach adulthood. The world sees what it wants to see, and the label of "bully" doesn't easily stick to glossy, successful middle class young people. If I was any of OPs' autistic children I would be severely struggling. It makes me feel ill, the thought of it.

Foreigners88 · 19/12/2024 16:46

The more i read your posts, dear poster , the more I disliked you. You married the bully father but also he is funding your massive kids lifestyles, is this true also? Do you work and do you pay and what for your many children with special needs?

DustyLee123 · 19/12/2024 16:47

If you weren’t living together you wouldn’t have this problem.

the7Vabo · 19/12/2024 16:48

EuclidianGeometryFan · 19/12/2024 16:22

What are the plans for the two adult offspring still living with you to move out?

Perhaps when they have flown the nest and it is just you and DH for most of the time, DSD will feel able to come and see her father more often, bring her boyfriend, and have the kind of normal relationship between her and her father that she should be able to have.
It is not her fault that her father allowed two people with autism to move into her home. You need to show her a bit more understanding.

When your two have moved out, I would forget trying to have everyone all together for Christmas - just see each side of the family separately on different days.

Unfortunately OP I can’t help but agree with this.

Not only does she have a woman living with her father in her childhood home which would be a struggle for most people, you have several kids two of whom have high needs. That’s a lot for anyone to deal with.

When she yelled at your DD that she was living off her dad, is that true?

100% she sounds like a girl who was a mean girl in school, but what you all expect of her is a lot. Think of it this way, if you hadn’t met her dad she could be spending Christmas with him and her BF probably happy out. Instead she has to deal with multiple adults living in his home.

In a way I’m glad her dad sticks up for her.

Lizzie67384 · 19/12/2024 16:48

AquaAnsie · 19/12/2024 16:02

The issue is no one else see's that she is actually quite mean and bitchy. DH's parents act like she poops rainbows and every time we run into anyone in our town who know her, it's "oh you must be so proud, she's so smart, talented and gorgeous too!"
DH and I have spoken about it but his view is that she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in her "home" (she grew up here my kids obviously didn't). I don't think saying don't go out late and if you want to listen to music use earphones is walking on eggshells. He thinks my DD's sometimes seek drama by complaining but they are genuinely struggling not just complaining for fun.

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You sound quite jealous? Which is odd…

Startinganew32 · 19/12/2024 16:48

Yep I can imagine the type of person she is exactly. I have met quite a few like her and no they aren’t pleasant. The weight comment sounds hideous and she doesn’t sound nice.

But wtf were you thinking? She’s your husbands daughter and by marrying him you are guaranteed that she will always be in your lives so you have no grounds on which to complain. However I would pull her up on any snide comments like the one about weight.

InterIgnis · 19/12/2024 16:48

You have a very obvious chip on your shoulder about her upbringing, social class, achievements and popularity. I don’t doubt that she’s aware of that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her ‘bitchiness’ is not in fact her declining to be pleasant to people that aren’t pleasant to her. She’s not obliged to like or please you and your daughters.

I’m not convinced she was some horrible child, as opposed to a popular child you resented for being popular. You see it a lot on here alone - ‘this person has what I want for myself/my child, therefore they HAVE to be terrible people and/or secretly miserable’, let alone in real life. If she was a bully, then what possessed you to marry her father and further subject your daughter to that?

You moved into her father’s house/ her childhood home. You’re not in a position to dictate what she does or who she brings to it when her father has no problem with either. The rest of the family are treating her as the grandchild/niece she is to them, and they’re obviously proud of her. Your children don’t have the same relationship with them, and you can’t expect that.

You and your daughters will just have to suck it up.

Foreigners88 · 19/12/2024 16:50

so all you did was the disregard everything and everyone, marry the man, use his salary and now complain because he has a daughter who has a right to come home. It has to be all about you, your financial gains and suddenly has to be all about your kids feelings. I wonder how that brave girl bears all of you and your offspring there sponging her dad. Take a long look in the moral mirror

DancefloorAcrobatics · 19/12/2024 16:51

@AquaAnsie have you anything nice to say about your step daughter?

InterIgnis · 19/12/2024 16:51

Startinganew32 · 19/12/2024 16:48

Yep I can imagine the type of person she is exactly. I have met quite a few like her and no they aren’t pleasant. The weight comment sounds hideous and she doesn’t sound nice.

But wtf were you thinking? She’s your husbands daughter and by marrying him you are guaranteed that she will always be in your lives so you have no grounds on which to complain. However I would pull her up on any snide comments like the one about weight.

Said like OP is some sort of authority figure that’s in the position to ‘pull her up’. If she tries that she’s likely to hear more unflattering comments and/or be told to wind her neck in.

MissJoGrant · 19/12/2024 16:52

SometimesCalmPerson · 19/12/2024 16:30

You moved your children into her home, you really don’t have a leg to stand on when complaining about her.

What did you expect when you blended this family? Did you think there would never be any nasty comments between step siblings? Because that’s completely unrealistic and you need to let it go. It’s very childish of you to hang onto a comment made by a teenager years ago.

I feel sorry for your dsd. No uni student wants to come home to someone else’s family, especially when the step parent that has been forced on them so clearly resents them. Poor kid is yet another victim of selfish parents putting their own relationships ahead of their children.

They're adults.

MintShaker · 19/12/2024 16:52

Itaverages · 19/12/2024 16:06

I can't get over the fact you married the father of one of your daughters school bullies knowing it would put the bully in her life forever and she's now having to deal with it in her 20s.

This 👆

Startinganew32 · 19/12/2024 16:52

InterIgnis · 19/12/2024 16:48

You have a very obvious chip on your shoulder about her upbringing, social class, achievements and popularity. I don’t doubt that she’s aware of that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if her ‘bitchiness’ is not in fact her declining to be pleasant to people that aren’t pleasant to her. She’s not obliged to like or please you and your daughters.

I’m not convinced she was some horrible child, as opposed to a popular child you resented for being popular. You see it a lot on here alone - ‘this person has what I want for myself/my child, therefore they HAVE to be terrible people and/or secretly miserable’, let alone in real life. If she was a bully, then what possessed you to marry her father and further subject your daughter to that?

You moved into her father’s house/ her childhood home. You’re not in a position to dictate what she does or who she brings to it when her father has no problem with either. The rest of the family are treating her as the grandchild/niece she is to them, and they’re obviously proud of her. Your children don’t have the same relationship with them, and you can’t expect that.

You and your daughters will just have to suck it up.

To be fair, a large proportion of the “popular” gang at school were odious. That’s not jealousy - there were girls at my school who were outright utter bitches and were so horrible to anyone different. Usually they managed to pull the wool over teachers’ and adults’ eyes too.

Anyone who makes comments about someone else’s weight in response to them saying they are tired is not a nice person are they?

Foreigners88 · 19/12/2024 16:53

MissJoGrant · 19/12/2024 16:52

They're adults.

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and should be out of his home.

Winterwonderland24 · 19/12/2024 16:53

You do have four children so I imagine she feels quite put out herself when she comes ‘home.’ It’s only two days so I’m sure you can suck it up.

Applesonthelawn · 19/12/2024 16:53

DSD should well past the age where she can make bitchy or mean comments. She is an adult and should have some self-awareness about the fact that life has dealt her a good hand (Oxbridge, good job, etc.), and sensitivity to those for whom life is more challenging or even just less blessed. To forgive anything else on her part on the basis that she may feel "pushed out" etc is just wrong, given the age she is and the advantages she has in life.

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/12/2024 16:54

You sound insanely jealous OP

Startinganew32 · 19/12/2024 16:54

InterIgnis · 19/12/2024 16:51

Said like OP is some sort of authority figure that’s in the position to ‘pull her up’. If she tries that she’s likely to hear more unflattering comments and/or be told to wind her neck in.

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Yeah that’s true. I feel for the autistic daughters who are still trapped with their school bully.

HealthRobinsonCrusoe · 19/12/2024 16:54

SleepPrettyDarling · 19/12/2024 16:39

What a mean and cynical take on a young well-educated woman getting her career off to a successful start.

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Arrogance is unpleasant. If you're doing well you're lucky. Takes a long time for some people to learn that.

MumOfOneAllAlone · 19/12/2024 16:55

recipientofraspberries · 19/12/2024 16:45

Yep.

I'm an autistic adult and I was bullied by the lovely, gorgeous, bright middle-class teens at my school. I know exactly, precisely what it is like to be targeted by the ones who in adults' eyes can do no wrong. I see that it doesn't change as they reach adulthood. The world sees what it wants to see, and the label of "bully" doesn't easily stick to glossy, successful middle class young people. If I was any of OPs' autistic children I would be severely struggling. It makes me feel ill, the thought of it.

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This is it, i feel triggered having the op

Marrying the father of your kids bully?? Can't understand it

Unicorntearsofgin · 19/12/2024 16:55

Honestly I feel sorry for her. You clearly dislike her but this is her family home.

I also think if she wasn’t the one instigating the bullying blaming her for behaviour when she was presumably a lot younger is unfair.

It must have been really hard for her seeing everyone move in to her family home. I think allowances could be made for a few days. She is an adult she is allowed to go out and play music occasionally.

recipientofraspberries · 19/12/2024 16:55

OP's DH also knew OP had four children, some of whom have higher needs, when he married her; why aren't you saying that he and his DSD should "suck it up" as well? The kids (adults now) didn't get a choice either way. I honestly can't get my head around marrying the father of your child's bully, though.