Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

What are the plans for the two adult offspring still living with you to move out?

Perhaps when they have flown the nest and it is just you and DH for most of the time, DSD will feel able to come and see her father more often, bring her boyfriend, and have the kind of normal relationship between her and her father that she should be able to have.
It is not her fault that her father allowed two people with autism to move into her home. You need to show her a bit more understanding.

When your two have moved out, I would forget trying to have everyone all together for Christmas - just see each side of the family separately on different days.

This!! Wtf

It’s difficult to separate your legitimate complaints from the fact that you seem to resent her for being attractive and successful. It sounds like she was a bitchy girl at school but you choose to permanently bring her into your children’s lives and move into her childhood home. Coming home late, playing loud music and what sounds like a fairly occasional insensitive comment is par for the course with someone in their early twenties.

What’s your proposal here? That your husband’s daughter can’t even return to the house she grew up in for a few days at Christmas? Wanting to bring your boyfriend home at Christmas is completely normal. Wanting to stay out late in your early 20s is completely normal. If your DH can’t tell her to be sensitive to your kids and keep her music down then your problem is with him. If you can’t address your DS putting on an act then that’s your issue

I'm not sure you are seeing any of this from her perspective as she seems to be the DC who has had to make most of the adjustments with your family moving into her home. It's also hard to believe that your 4 DC are never mean/unkind/inconsiderate. It suggests you focus on her negative traits without recognising your DC can also appear hard work to live with.

oh you must be so proud, she's so smart, talented and gorgeous too!"

She obviously has many gifts and that's tough for you if it appears there are comparisons with your dc.

I feel it's late for you to complain about blending issues as these would have been very apparent prior to settling with your DH. Encourage your DC to welcome dsd home and explain that everyone in the house needs to be tolerant. Perhaps if your DH sees the lack of favouritism he will feel safe enough to raise issues with his daughter.

She sounds annoying. Life will shake the certainty out of her eventually. Meanwhile, don't let her world view get to you.

I agree, I was reading this like WTF!? I think I'd cut contact with my parent if they married my bullies father and then expected everything to be normal.

You can't marry and move in with the dad of your child's bully and then moan about her staying there every now and again. She doesn't even sound that bad. In fact, it sounds as if she is the one who has to make all of the compromises as you and your children commandeer every aspect of family life. I can't imagine telling my adult DC that they have a curfew or can't play music because it might slightly impact another adult. I think you are being overly precious about your adult children. The ASD isn't particularly relevant.

Why did you set up home with this man? You created this situation, did you not think before moving in with this man that he has a dd and that this could be challenging for your dc with autism? And you imposed strangers on your difficult family circumstances so that your young people had to live with perfect strangers in their own home. I suppose you made your bed, now you lie in it.

You moved into her territory, and her childhood home. What do you expect?

You moved your children into her home, you really don’t have a leg to stand on when complaining about her.

What did you expect when you blended this family? Did you think there would never be any nasty comments between step siblings? Because that’s completely unrealistic and you need to let it go. It’s very childish of you to hang onto a comment made by a teenager years ago.

I feel sorry for your dsd. No uni student wants to come home to someone else’s family, especially when the step parent that has been forced on them so clearly resents them. Poor kid is yet another victim of selfish parents putting their own relationships ahead of their children.

It's a few days at Christmas, what do you want to happen, for your husband not to see his daughter?

I have some sympathy for her. She shouldn't be rude or unkind but basically an entire family moved into her childhood home when she was a teenager. You and her father chose this, she didn't. It doesn't sound like a happy set up for her or your adult children but it wasn't of her making and in truth she probably never will like it.

Also have to say that you do sound very sneery about her attributes and accomplishments and I imagine she's bright enough to gauge those feelings towards her.

So, when she was 17 her dad got together with the mum of some girls from her school who weren’t her friends. Later on her dad moved them all into her home and she had her family home become another family’s home. She moved away and has been successful, but her step mother clearly doesn’t think her achievements merit respect or recognition of their difficulty. Her dad still lives with the other family as while they are all adults now, 2 of the adult girls still live in her old home, whereas she was expected to leave and make her own way. (Which she has wonderfully.)

while her dad moved his girlfriend in with her children and welcomed them to treat it as their home, she’s being treated as unreasonable to want her boyfriend to visit with her, because these new step sisters can’t cope with meeting new people and now her family home isn’t somewhere she can bring her partner without a fuss. It’s made clear they can’t wait for her to leave so she can’t really treat it as her home anymore - she’s the guest not the step-sisters who moved in and took over her home.

would that possibly sum up her take on the situation?

Or do you think she’s more generous when she talks about her step mum and step siblings to others? Don’t think she’s kinder about you all than you are about her? Perhaps she actually likes you all. Perhaps she’s nice about what they achieve.

How did you expect this to work OP - you forced your DD who had been bullied in school to live / share a house with her bully.

Would it be possible for your younger two to go to stay with their sibling for a bit? I feel for them - nothing worse than a mean girl. The thing is everyone knows they exist but are taken in by them, at first, at least.

What a mean and cynical take on a young well-educated woman getting her career off to a successful start.

Tricky one OP. I think DSD actually has a lot to be proud of clearly very academic and making something good out of her life so of course, people will be praising this especially her grandparents.
I think it will always be difficult for DCs who have history to be thrown together into a blended family - there are bound to be some issues and difficulties when they all come together. Sounds like a potential nightmare to me!
I mean, there really isn't a lot you can do. You can suck it up and play the nice Step Mum and Mum and put on your biggest smile to get through Christmas or you can sulk and encourage the arguments!
I'd go for the suck it up option I think. I'd also be talking to my DCs about your DSD so they can have a bank of coping strategies for when she is around. I'd also be very careful about how I talk about DsD in front of your DCs. Don't give them any ammunition even if you really feel like bitching about her. Your DCs will always side with you against her which won't help anyone. DsD must have some redeeming features that your can talk about to your DCs?
She is your DHs daughter and always will be so perhaps this Christmas could be a new line that you cross over with her and your DCs for the sake of a better relationship and calmer home moving forwards?

A lot of your post reads a little like you're resentful that your daughters weren't sporty and academic like DSD. That might not be the case but it comes across that way.

The sarcy comments from DSD also seem to stem from your own DDs not being very tolerant of her so DSD is getting frustrated with them being needy.

I think you need to speak to your DDs and make it clear they need to let the past go and they're all adults and need to learn to get along. If your DD doesn't like noise at night and is a light sleeper, that's an important skill she will need to work on.

You then perhaps need to speak to DSD and remind her that two of your DDs are autistic and are over-sensitive and get wound up easily, so can she be careful with what she says.

(I am a parent of an autistic child and know what it's like, but it's also important not just to pander to them and teach them to cope with life).

I'm actually with the DSD on this too.

Why on earth would you shack up with the father of the girl who bullied your DDs?

Why do you think you are entitled to "dread" this girl going home to her parent because your DDs don't get on with her?

I'm afraid I think you, as the parent, are in the wrong here. The DSD had no say in this situation, you all are in her home. If her dad thinks her shit smells of roses, you really have no right to object. Sorry. You have to accept this discomfort as part of the quid pro quo of choosing to be with her dad.

It is interesting that you think your son agrees with DSD only because he think it makes him look smart, rather than because objectively it is ridiculous to have people in their mid twenties to not go out late.

The whole set up seems overwhelming to be honest.

And you married the father of this girl.

You've married her dad, op. I 100% wouldn't have dated someone who's kid bullied mine, it would've been a non starter.

I feel very bad for your kids because its horrible having asd and then having your bully in your safe place, looking down on it.

short of divorcing he'd father, there's nothing that can be done.

Jesus, is any man worth all this grief for the children involved, grown up or not.

I'd say not.

Shame you didn't think likewise. 🙄

I can't get over the fact that you married the father of your daughter's bully.