Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

does anyone have a relative they can stay with ? Can you afford to “treat” step daughter and bf to a couple of nights in a hotel ?
can you / or better still your oh have a frank conversation and say what you have said here ( maybe sugar coated) to DSD and ask her to be mindful of your kids needs?

i asked my DD's if they wanted me to leave DH and they said no

What the hell did you EXPECT them to say? Jesus H. Your poor children 😢

Yep I think the whole she (step daughter) looks down on lower income people is a projection on the OP’s part.

Exactly. Awful!

This unfortunately, your poor daughter

So what do you see the solution being? She isn’t allowed to come and see her DF?

I think you may have tried to paint her in the worst possible light here to get posters on your side, however the only thing I can see she’s actually done WRONG is make a couple of unkind comments? Which in my world would be dealt with: ‘knock it off DSD, this isn’t your business’ and that’s it.

Can you make it clear to DH and DSD that you realise autism is complex and provide them with materials to help them understand. You could also offer to explain how the generic materials relate to your individual DDs needs.
They may not take you up on your kind offer but hopefully they’d gather a bit of the message that it’s them who lack knowledge and understanding, not your DDs

Sorry maybe not you but there are others on the thread saying that the OP has invaded this poor girls home and stuff to that effect.

Did I read this right: you married the father of the girl that used to fully your DC? Of course that was.going to be permanent trouble, but what did you expect?

This. Your living rent free in his house and he helps fund your kids? They are not his kids, he shouldn’t be funding them at all.

Move out and support yourself and your kids. Stop putting your dd through situations she doesn’t need to be in.

I suggest a hotel for DSD and DH said absolutely not, its her home and if she is coming home she will be welcome to stay here and in her own room.
DD2 doesn't do well away from home but DD3 can go to DD1's for a few nights.

I wouldn't say he funds them anymore than he does his DD (takes her snowboarding every year and pays for her summer holiday)

But why is he funding YOUR children at all?

Get yourself a FT job and fund your own children yourself

I'm Team Step Daughter here

I also think you need therapy, OP, for the nasty evil green eyed monster you're clinging on to

So your DD decided to pick a fight and is now feeling awkward because the person she picked a fight with doesn’t pretend to like her.

It doesn’t sound like she was a bully. She was friends with the bullies, and likely wasn’t paying attention to your daughter at all.

I wouldn’t compare what he does for his DD to what he does for your children. Not only if his child, you know, his child, but she’s also independently supporting herself. Paying for someone’s holiday as a treat is different to supporting someone by paying their bills and rent.

This ⬆️

As if high school bullying wasn't bad enough, having to endure the bully in you life and home for the rest of your days must be torturous.

Your DH sounds like a total mug

Your husband is funding all of your children and you can't let his daughter stay for 4 days. Unbelievable.

As for the other comment, I work part-time, my 25 year old works part-time, 23 year old doesn't work and 20 year old is at college. The house has no mortgage and DH does cover the bills and between us we pay my eldest's rent as she doesn't make a lot. I wouldn't say he funds them anymore than he does his DD (takes her snowboarding every year and pays for her summer holiday).

But since he only met them when they were adults, it's actually quite a big deal that he funds them to the same tune as his own DD. And they live rent free in his home..

Do you fund your DSD to the same tune as you do your own children?

I mean it doesn't really sound like he gets a lot out of this relationship except a load of adults to support.

I’d say he pays far less for his daughter’s holidays than he does bankrolling your lot.

You sound sooooo jealous!!

He should be taking his daughter on holiday since he’s out all his money to finance your kids.

How is the house mortgage free? Did you DH pay off the mortgage?

Your DH pays some of your child's rent? And funds them equally or almost equally to his own child, even though they're ALL adults?

Can you see how you are the entitled one here, and that your DSD has absolutely every right to feel miffed at the situation? Whatever you and your DD have comes at her expense. Of course your DH as a grown man is allowed to remarry if he wants. But your DSD doesn't have to like it (clearly she doesn't) and the last person to have a leg to stand on in complaining is the parent of the3 children living in her life and being financially supported by her dad!

This really isn't a good look, OP. Far from being understanding of her position, you've somehow made her out to be a bullying villain to your DDs, who themselves said she's guilty only by association.

Have a brandy and a mince pie, step back and look at the big picture. Your DSD isn't the one in the wrong here.

Solely fr9m what you’ve written I actually have more sympathy for DSD. Home for literally a few days, to her childhood home no less, and is set to be made to feel pretty unwelcome by you and your daughters. I appreciate the additional difficulties associated with their autism however you are clearly envious of her and dare I say a little resentful as well?

Why should his own child stay in a hotel rather than her childhood home because of you and your daughter fml.

This gets worse and worse.

You need to support your own child and they need to also support themselves stop sponging. No wonder she hates “poorer” people she’s watching a whole family of them drain her dad dry.

You're even more unreasonable now!!

So she wasn't even the bully?!

And you all live rent free in her dad's house? 😂 and her dad pays some of your kids rent?!

Screw everything you've said - she sounds like an angel! Clever, pretty, not actually a bully and still makes the effort to come home for Christmas with her dad despite you and your children making life difficult for her? Bloody hell, she's got more patience than I do.

Is DH very wealthy ?

If as I suspect then I think you should move to one of those country homes that has out buildings and put the kids in those.

Saying your DH will side with his daughter to ‘make him look smart’ is the most unkind thing I read on your very long post.
This man sounds like he’s done a lot for you and your family.

You suggested the DSD stay in a hotel 😱

Please tell me this is a joke.