Dreading step-daughter coming home

[AquaAnsie]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 3. He has one DD, she's 24. I have 4 DC, DS is 26 then DDs who are 25, 23, and 20.
My two middle DC have autism, they have always really struggled with socialising and my 23 and 20 year olds live at home, my 25 year old lives 5 minute walk away.
My children and DSD went to school together, she was a year below my eldest DD and a year above my middle DD. My DD's really struggled in school, which wasn't made any better by bullying. DSD was part of the group who did a lot of the bullying (all very sporty, very pretty, middle class girls picking on those who hadn't quite settled, were from lower income families). DSD claims she was never the one doing the bullying but my DDs really struggle when she is around.

My 23 year old really struggles with her autism, she hates it when DSD is here, basically never leaves her room, she is very intimidated by DSD. DD also struggles with routine changes massively and is easily overstimulated.
When DSD is here, she plays music all the time, goes out with her friends and comes back at 2/3 am (she isn't loud but DD is a light sleeper and this will wake DD up and scare her to the point she won't sleep again). My DS also puts on an act when she is here, tries to buddy up with her BF and basically ignores his sisters and says they have to grow up.

Over the years there has been a lot of back and forth. We went out a walk one year and my eldest DD was complaining she was tired and DSD loudly muttered "if you lost weight you wouldn't be tired", she apologised but DD is very insecure so this has stuck with her (DD is a size 14/16 so not exactly big or anything, but DSD is a size 6 and very judgy of any overweight). In an argument about 2 years ago she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life". This obviously left sour taste but she again apologised.

DSD has a bit of a superiority complex, she is an Oxbridge grad, now doing her training contract for a law firm in London making crazy money for a grad (she's a couple years behind other her age on average as she did a gap year then a year abroad at uni). She looks down on my family as my DDs didn't go to uni (well DS did and he is the only one she actually gets on with).

On Sunday she and her boyfriend are coming back for a few days, they've only been dating since spring and her dad has met him but none of the rest of us have. As if DSD being home won't cause my girls enough stress, a total stranger in the house will make it 10x worse.

I just know their will be an argument, my DDs will get upset, DS will side with DSD as he thinks it makes him look smart.

DH never has any input, he thinks his DD can do no wrong, total princess in his eyes. He never outright agrees with her but he never tells her to say sorry or calls her out.

AIBU to be absolutely dreading her coming back even if it is just for 3/4 days? I find her so hard to be around at times!

Well she could have been lying or she could have been actually telling the truth. Why would she lie about it? Most of the time those who are friends with bullies are also bullies themselves. I wouldn’t be happy hanging out with people who pick on those with disabilities myself. If the DD remembers the DSD bullying her, there a good chance that this is what happened.

Thing is, short of getting divorced, you’re stuck with this situation and dynamics now. Is there any scope for your DD to be independent in the future? It must be quite distressing having to be part of a family with this girl.

@AquaAnsie So DSD wasn't actually bullying anyone but was friends with bullies. A big difference. I think you're being hard on DSD. I know her type and they can be selfish, arrogant and unpleasant to be around...but it's her home as well! You actually do not want her in your house because it changes the routines which can be hard for autistic people. But it's her home as well and your daughters and you need to adapt to her being there as well as she needs to accept that you live there. You can't expect her not to stay out late, especially as she's not noisy coming home late at night. Ideally your dd should stay with your dd who lives 5 minutes away since she struggles with people for the time dsd is home. You don't have to love her but respect that it's her home and she has the right to be there.

Thinking on it, Is this some sort of Christmas Cinderella reverse wind-up?! Because it kind of is…

My middle children aren't able to go off to uni and make 50k or whatever straight out of uni, they need extra support.

the mortgage was paid of with inheritance/life insurance he was left, but when he dies all of the house will go to his daughter, she isn't losing out.

I think most PPs on this post also need this information. It’s all “we embrace disabilities” until someone with a disability is the victim of bullying from a conventionally successful person.

Really, I can see that bullies will always get away with it. Once again, on this post, it’s somehow the autistic young womens’ fault for not “being independent”. This thread is thoroughly depressing.

What’s the term when police and adult services get involved because a friendly person moves into a vulnerable persons house and takes over….

Because you’re sounding like whatever they are called.

I can’t believe you even suggested this! It’s her bloody home too!

Completely with your DH on that.

I feel really sorry for your DSD. She's unwanted. Awful.

She's not saying that about her husband. She's saying that about her own son...

Clearly resents her dad spending even a penny on her that could go towards her own adult children, only one of which has a part-time job.

God, poor stepdaughter. Her dad sounds like a total mug.

If your DH is prepared to have your three adult children live with you, then the least that you can do is tolerate his daughter for 3-4 days a year. As for the other stuff, it's a bit petty at their ages. If the music is too loud, then you are within your rights to say something. It's a bit harsh expecting her not to go out at night though if she is catching up with old friends.

You need to sit your adult children down and explain to them that they are grown ups and need to deal with your stepdaughter being in her own home while visiting her father, put the schooldays behind them and move on. You can't try to shut your stepdaughter out because you and your adult children are now living in her family home. Your husband is bankrolling your children and you resent his daughter coming home to see him, you should be ashamed. If your stepdaughter truly did bully your daughter you should have never moved in with him.

Tiny violin again. Jealousy is oozing from the screen.

My middle children aren't able to go off to uni and make 50k or whatever straight out of uni, they need extra support

Then YOU pay for that extra support not DH

Grow the fuck up, OP

Team stepdaughter is right!!!

“she also shouted at my DD's "You need to grow up, get a real job and stop getting my dad to fund your life".”

She was bang on!!!

Why does a disabled person who can’t work or access higher education need to be shouted at to “grow up and get a proper job”? And why do you applaud it?

The facade of disability awareness is thin and feeble. Collapses easily.

Fucks sake the DD she shouted at is autistic!!

Yeah, 100%, it's so clear - only people that will see it as jealousy are people who've never been unlucky enough to be bullied

Op's poor daughter 🥺

I was that kid who's mum would just let anyone be around us - op you need to really reevaluate your priorities, sorry to be blunt girl

This

You don't think it's unreasonable to make nasty comments about another person's weight?
So we all just go round criticising people's weight out loud to their faces and that's ok now?

Goodness - that poor girl. It must be hard for her to come home and see you lot sponging and leaching off her father. He sounds too nice (weak) for his own good. You'd better hope for all your sakes that your husband doesn't see the light and your freeloading lifestyle comes to an abrupt halt.

Have some self respect and give your children (albeit very belatedly) some life skills that don't involve being bankrolled by your foolish husband.

How proud he must be of his daughter - she sounds admirable.

How is your middle children's earning potential anything at all to do with your DSD?

Of course the house should go to the DSD. Why is that noteworthy?

What about all the money he's spending out of income on your DDs? That's obviously not going to her. Although that's between DSD and your DH, it's his money to do what he wants with.

So she wasn’t even the bully? She just didn’t stand up to the bully?
Although it is a nice idea that we all stand up to bullies, I certainly wasn’t brave enough to do it as a teenager.