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AIBU?

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Original poster

Invitation for one child

1000 replies

ThatRubyMoose · 19/12/2024 14:18

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

OP posts:
HomeAgainPlease · 31/12/2024 11:11

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2024 14:28

But to play devils advocate then how does that work when older child goes out with their dad for birthday & Christmas?

Show quote history

Surely as 2 families they will be spending time together in each others houses & going on outings together. So that’s a very different situation!

InterIgnis · 31/12/2024 11:17

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:11

@InterIgnis she wasn't aware until now

“My elder daughter is given a Christmas present equivalent to what MiL gives to the granddaughters of her own sister. So she thinks my daughter is a member of her ‘extended’ family. This has always upset me.”

Doesn’t sound like it was new information for her.

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:18

Mil not sil

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:20

And not an indication that they would deliberately exclude her but let's keep blaming the mum for everything if that makes you happy

Tandora · 31/12/2024 11:21

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:20

And not an indication that they would deliberately exclude her but let's keep blaming the mum for everything if that makes you happy

everything is always the fault of mum

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:24

Yip

PassingStranger · 31/12/2024 11:25

W0tnow · 19/12/2024 14:35

They will say well she’s not family and I can kind of see their point. I can see yours too. Your older child has an absent father and therefore an absent family, and you want her to feel as much a part of this family as possible. Which is fair enough, I think.

Were I your SIL I’d have invited your older child along. It’s a nice thing to do for a child you are not related to, but who is the stepchild of your brother and therefore will be part of his life.

Saying she isn't family is the quickest way for a family fall out and not tactful or kind at all.
People have alot to learn. Be kind.

She dosent sound a nice person excluding the older daughter, how would she like it done to her?
Well done Op stand your ground and stick up for your daughter.

Tricho · 31/12/2024 11:32

Good for your DH for standing up to this. Its nonsense.

It's not his family's responsibility to bridge the gap left by the shit man you chose to have a child with.

It's outrageous that you expect them to pay for the privilege too! The simple solution would be you offer to pay (whether or not money is an issue for them - very much not the point)

You're denying your youngest a relationship with her biological family out of pure spite and short sightedness

How about you have the difficult conversation with your eldest about how there will be differences due to sisters dad not being hers and help her understand - rather than expecting everyone else to compensate for shit choices you made in a child's father

Your partner treats your eldest as his own, as he should, and that's all realistically you should expect

You're blinded by emotion, but you're wrong here.

InterIgnis · 31/12/2024 11:34

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:20

And not an indication that they would deliberately exclude her but let's keep blaming the mum for everything if that makes you happy

The SIL that has never extended an invitation to OP’s eldest.

As I said, I’m not sure why she would expect her daughter to get an invitation to something that has exclusively been for grandchildren, that her eldest has never been included in.

I’m saying the OP is responsible for her choices, yes, and that I believe it unwise to have expectations of those she knows have no intention of meeting them.

HomeAgainPlease · 31/12/2024 11:35

OnlyWhenILaugh · 19/12/2024 16:00

@ThatRubyMoose
It hurts when your dc hurt! I get that. But you just have to accept that your in laws have a different relationship with your younger dd.
It doesn't make them bad people. Just different from the way it would be in an ideal world for you.
I still think your anger is misplaced. You ex is the one who has let your elder dd down.

Why does a different relationship mean you should exclude a child? Trips like this are an opportunity to build a closer relationship surely? I can’t understand adults who can treat children like this. It really upsets me.

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:41

@HomeAgainPlease - do you think the family should have to pay as well? OP does - entitlement at its finest!

Why someone thinks someone else should pay for a child that is nothing to do with them is beyond me - as if it's a privilege - bizarre

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:42

@InterIgnis no doubt the OP expects her daughter to be paid for, and have the nice meal and whatever mech is available too - only if it's no cost to her mind...

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:43

@HomeAgainPlease exactly

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:44

@tweedledee12 what a horrible way of thinking

HomeAgainPlease · 31/12/2024 11:44

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:41

@HomeAgainPlease - do you think the family should have to pay as well? OP does - entitlement at its finest!

Why someone thinks someone else should pay for a child that is nothing to do with them is beyond me - as if it's a privilege - bizarre

Yes!! How is the child nothing to do with them? It’s their niece’s step sibling who they live with. Their family! FFS. If I couldn’t afford to take all the kids I’d have chosen another activity.

Tricho · 31/12/2024 11:45

It is entitlement though.

Fwiw, I would take the eldest.

But that's not the point.

The point is OP is wrong to expect this so resolutely - her reaction is out of order and hurting her youngest.

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:45

@HomeAgainPlease best extend the invite to the nieces cousins on the OP's side, and the neighbour then...

The kid is nothing to do with them and if the OP and DH split, likely would never see the eldest again!

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:45

She is something g to do with them though

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:54

@HomeAgainPlease why should they have to choose another activity and change their tradition? Ohhhh because OP has a child by a different father...

Entitlement at its finest - I wonder whether OP would expect any inheritance to be split too?

The eldest daughter is not, and never will be a grandchild - end of.

I don't treat my brothers partners daughter as my niece - she's literally my brothers partners daughter. I would expect the other father's family to want to treat the youngest, who probably wouldn't even understand yet and may actually get upset!

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:54

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:45

She is something g to do with them though

Yeah as related as the kid next door

Manypaws · 31/12/2024 11:55

@tweedledee12 wow, just wow

You must be at the wind up

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:56

@Manypaws Genuine question - do you expect the DH family to spend the same at Christmas and birthdays on the eldest child too?

ForeverTipsy · 31/12/2024 11:58

As someone who was a step child with half siblings, and as someone who is a step mum with children with half siblings...this thread has made me super sad. I am 100% with OP on this one.

All step and half siblings (so step grandchildren and step nieces/nephews) in our families are treated as equal to blood children. Because they're children. To treat siblings differently can lead to rifts and resentment down the line. All caused by adults.

Biggest difference between my experiences and the OPs? Money. We were poor. I'd rather be poor and have a big heart and include all children in special occasions than afford posh schools and be mean.

tweedledee12 · 31/12/2024 11:58

@Manypaws I'm not winding you up.

It's my genuine opinion. We have a similar situation in our family, and I refuse to look at the child as my niece - she isn't.

I am nice to her, talk to her and she's very pleasant. But she isn't my niece and I've no desire to spend extra time with her and take her out us. My brother absolutely would not expect me too either

HomeAgainPlease · 31/12/2024 12:00

Tricho · 31/12/2024 11:45

It is entitlement though.

Fwiw, I would take the eldest.

But that's not the point.

The point is OP is wrong to expect this so resolutely - her reaction is out of order and hurting her youngest.

Of course that’s the point. That’s exactly the point. Money is a secondary issue.

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