Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Where have I or anyone said the dh's family should exclude a child.

We're simply stating the reality that some people view step relationships differently to birth or adopted family relationships. There are so many variations of blended families that there is no one set of rules

I have a friend whose younger dd struggled for years because her elder (half) sibling got 3 sets of birthday and Christmas presents (maternal family, paternal family and step family). You can't legislate to make everything fair or equal. Life isn't that straightforward

You can't dictate to other people. You support and explain to your dc.

I've also seen how much damage can be done when 2nd marriages breakdown and the relationships with the step family change radically.

Maybe that is why I don't - you've experienced the step child and I haven't.

I am lucky enough that my parents have stayed together, and we didn't have half siblings.

I'm glad there are people like you that do that - I am just saying I couldn't, and the OP is very entitled, especially when she doesn't think she should even offer to pay!

How very sad

One child living in a home, not being invited to something like this, is excluding them in my view.

I was very lucky that my parents didn't stay together. My bio dad was a violent alcoholic. And I would never had met my amazing step dad or had half and step siblings which are never referred to as such. They're my brothers and sisters. Full stop.

I think your lack of experience in this area is showing massively.

It's not about the money in this case.

@ForeverTipsy I'm sorry you had to go through that

It's not the point.

The point is DHs family have every right not to.

Having the right to do something and wanting to do it are two very different things

You can't force them to want to

And I understand why you feel that.

I have had to support my own dd through tricky step and half-sibling family relationships on my ex's side. Not the same as this scenario but difficult none the less.

I am sad that things weren't different but the only person in the whole scenario I feel should have behaved differently is my ex. Dd's Dad.

It shouldn’t be about “rights” it should be about being a decent human being FFS.

And they’re not going to be ‘decent human beings’ according to your standards. They don’t need you to consider them decent any more than you need them to think the same of you. You being upset about people having a different opinion to you, is your problem.

I’m aware of that thanks 😂 I’m not an imbecile.

@HomeAgainPlease 🤣

Mhmm

Quite sure thanks. Nor am I heartless so and so.

It's the scraping of the barrel when people need to try and hurl insults

Usually means they have lost the argument

So the OP 'created a blended family' all by herself did she? NOTHING to do with her DH? 🙄
Neither sister would have to be hurt or upset if DH grew a pair and stood up to his family and for the little girl that he has taken on the role of surrogate Dad for!!
Most of you defending the actions of the callous and miserable step-family will clutch at any straw for justification even if it's patently ridiculous and completely without merit as your comment was!
FFS! this is getting sillier by the minute...

The kid is nothing to do with them

😂

Ahh. This explains a lot.

Of course it is

Not sure which part of your post is the most irrational/illogical! 🙄
So let me get this straight you appear to think that an 'adopted' child is theoretically the same as a 'biological' child and should be treated the same in every aspect, whereas a young 'step' child who has a biological half sister may be ignored, shunned and excluded without impunity from some family occasions on the basis of....what?
I keep hearing the word 'responsibility' but that's not even a consideration or expectation here and never has been...it's simply about doing the right thing and including a child in a wonderful Christmas outing to which her half-sister is invited, it does not in any way involve having 'responsibility' or 'feeling a certain way towards her', it's just a thoughtful, compassionate, kind and caring thing to do and many posting here got that immediately, surely that is not so difficult to understand and get into perspective? 😦

Absolutely an adopted child is a child of the family with both parents having parental responsibility. A step child is just that - a step child - a child of the mother, and a child with no bond whatsoever with the paternal family - yet they are expected to pretend there is for fear of upsetting the OP?

This is a family annual outing - the family want to spend time with their niece. Why is that so hard to understand or accept?

If I was taking my niece out, would I feel obliged, or even want to take out the half siblings? Absolutely not. That half sibling is able to do things without their younger sibling - and it is not an issue. Why is it an issue the other way around?

Of course adoption is fundamentally different from blending into a step family.
It beggars belief that people don't understand this.