Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Oh, behave.

“Usually means they have lost the argument”

Imagining for a moment that it’s an argument that can be won and lost, if that’s the case the it was lost the moment the dramatic appeals to emotion got trotted out alongside the tired tropes of ‘cruel, indecent, heartless people’.

It's quite normal to refer to emotions when talking g about a young child, it's sad that you can't see that, not surprising though

Anyway I'm off to enjoy New Year, happy Hogmanay everyone

There’s referring to emotions, and then there’s melodrama.

Anyway, happy new year indeed ☺️

Yes it’s possible but they don’t want to so it’s not going to happen. Therefore the problem still exists where whether or not the youngest goes to the panto, one of them is going to be hurt.

Growing up feeling that your family relationships and experiences have been sacrificed for the sake of your half sister is no less damaging than growing up with a step family who don’t treat you as a biological grandchild or niece.

Oh yes what melodrama to have concern about the feelings of a small child.

Why do you keep saying small child? She’s 9, practically a tween. She’s old enough to understand and take support for any feelings she might have about it.

Eh? To me a 9 year old is a young child.

Maybe you come from a world where 9 yr olds are considered mature individuals with high levels of emotional resilience and maturity . Definitely not my world.

Still think it’s disgusting that you think the problem that needs to be ‘fixed’ in this situation is the child’s feelings (as if that were even possible). But hey ho.

Like I said- different values.

It beggars belief that you can’t see that for children it isn’t fundamentally different. They are both living with their Mum & Dad/Step Dad in a home as a family.

It's absolutely different, obviously. Don't treat children like idiots.

👍🏻

Thankfully children accept people for who they are, regardless of DNA. It doesn’t make them idiots! They are generally much more accepting of all kinds of people without making unkind judgements.

What an extraordinary thing to say.

If step children are led to believe that they have the parental security equivalent to that of adoption then they are being very badly let down by their parent and step parent.

I'm not dismissing the invaluable and wonderful step relationships that some blended families provide. But to glibly equate the relationship to adoption is not just incorrect its potentially very damaging.

You are aware that step children are at greater risk of abuse than adopted children?

Children get the idea they are living in a family because they are. Hopefully both being treated the same by the adults. Should those adults be reminding them “don’t forget, your step Dad hasn’t adopted you, he’s only your sibling’s REAL Dad”. Adults can understand the difference and still treat the children with the same love and attention can’t they? Well they do in our family and that’s how my half sibling was treated. No different to my cousins who are adopted!

What has that got to do with anything?

The kids don't need reminding

It's an objective indicator that there are differences between step parents and adoptive parents.

If you want to understand tge theory behind why that might be the case there's plenty of research out there.

You are determined to use anecdotal, person experience as some form of evidence in your argument. No one denies there are positive step families. But the wider evidence shows a very different story in many cases. And parents should pay heed to the realities not just get caught up in their own emotions.

Exactly! They accept that family is generally who you live with. Who you spend time with and the adults who care for you are your parents.

You seem to be having a completely different conversation with yourself so I’ll leave you to it…

A parent is not simply an "adult who cares for you".

Why do you think there is such a stringent process to go through in order to adopt?

To a bloody young child they are, that’s my point!!

Following that logic, this child shouldn’t care that her dad has rejected her because he isn’t her parent. He is not an adult who cares for her so should so should she not feel the sting of rejection?

children often have many many adults who care for them but they usually only have one or two parents.

In my experience even very young children understand that their step parents are not their parent. And those that don't have been let down by the adults.

You read threads here where the child calls their step dad "daddy" and the mum is asking when to explain ...And universally they're told they should have done it already.

Whaaaat???
are you saying that step children are “objectively” and inevitably targets of abuse?
It’s an Indicator that people are more likely to be cruel and abusive to step children , than adopted children, that’s true. This thread is also an indicator of that.
Doesn’t make it “objective” or ok.