Invitation for one child

[ThatRubyMoose]

When I first met my in-laws I bought Christmas presents. My elder sister-in-law who has always been friendly as have they all, thanked me profusely said that she gave up buying presents and writing cards. Fair enough. Her choice. The following year I asked her if she minded me buying for her children. She didn’t but reiterated that she didn’t. Totally transparent not an issue.

What she did do though was take MiL and SiL and the kids to The Palladium every year and a meal in a chain like Spaghetti House, Pizza etc. Fair enough again.

A few weeks ago she asked DH if our daughter who has just gone 4 is now old enough to join them. He said she was.

But I have a daughter who is 9 who lives with us all the time and only sees her father around her birthday and if she’s lucky at Christmas for a ‘tea’ with the rest of his family.

I said no to pantomime, I texted SiL saying it would be unfair to eldest, a child the same age as two of the kids going. Her reply was ‘that was a shame.’

MiL said to DH that it was none of her business how he raised his child but she thought that not being allowed to go on this t
outing with them was a slippery slope.

DH would have let her go but won’t challenge me. What would you do?

Of course young children can understand basic things like this logically . They can understand as young as 3-4 yrs in my experience.
Doesn’t mean being excluded in your step family isn’t painful.
there was the pp who’s young adult son cried when he wasn’t invited to his “cousins” wedding. of course he knows about the biology of it all. He still felt hurt.

@Tandora PP was claiming a step parent was the same as an adoptive parent. They're not.

Adoptors go through an intense process that involves wider family as well before they're even considered suitable.

Step parenting comes about when a person moves in with a parent.

The focus of the adoptor is becoming a parent.
The focus of the step parent is building a relationship with the existing parent.

Many step parents are fabulous but it's a different and difficult relationship for all concerned.

And the risks to the children are the greatest.

It is a vastly different role to adopting and it's understandable that wider family may regard step children differently.

I think it's insulting when adoption is brought up as a 'gotcha' on step parenting threads.

And for the record I have been a step parent and my dd currently has a step parent.

Being a step or being adopted is not at all the same in many , many ways. but in some ways it is the same.
One of the ways it is the same is the fact that neither step children, nor adopted children are biologically related to the extended family.

So many people in this thread were placing huge emphasis on the facts of biology and “conception”- pretending that that’s what objectively defines a family- that’s why the question of adoption was raised.

The reality is that “biology” is not all that defines a family.

Another voice that adoption is very different to step parenting.

if my sister adopted a baby that baby would be my neice or nephew, a grandchild to my parents. We would have all be interviewed and assessed to ensure we understood that. My sister would legally be the child’s mother. Wills would be rewritten to include the new member of the family.

if my sister moved in with or married a man who had a child, that child would not be my niece, my parents would not have a new grandchild. We would be interested in the child, get to know them, probably babysit, include them in family events, mark birthdays and Christmas. But my sister is not that child’s mother.

its very, very, very different.

She’s a part of their extended family, same as OP is, but she isn’t their niece or granddaughter any more than OP is their daughter or sister. Not treating her as either isn’t the same thing as saying she isn’t family, or that she isn’t treated as if she is. She is, OP says exactly that - they treat her as extended family.

She’s neither the biological nor legal daughter of OP’s husband. For some that wouldn’t or doesn’t matter, and that’s obviously absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t or doesn’t matter to everyone.

If OP is encouraging her daughter to consider her in laws her grandparents and aunts/uncles, then she would be wise to stop (and it seems she is stopping). Whether you agree with them or not, they’re not going to fill those roles, and that reality isn’t something that can be ignored.

It’s unfortunate that OP and her daughter are upset, but being upset at someone doesn’t automatically mean they’ve done something wrong. Sometimes, being upset is just something you just have to process and live with without expecting others to fix it.

This (to me) straightforward theory confirms the point that I have been trying in vain to get so many on here to understand! 🙄
It's nothing to do with the 'responsibility' or 'feelings' that DH's family might or might not have for OP's DD, it's surely and simply a case of doing what's thoughtful, kind and just well, nice, for a little girl who, whether they like it or not, IS part of their family because of the marriage of OP's DH, their brother/son etc. who btw needs to grow a pair, stand up to them and tell them that to exclude his DSC is preposterous, cruel, unkind and callous! 😡
If however 'blood' matters so much to them they should surely consider that OP's DD is 'related' to her half sister anyway!!

'If OP is encouraging her daughter to consider her in laws her grandparents and aunts/uncles, then she would be wise to stop (and it seems she is stopping). Whether you agree with them or not, they’re not going to fill those roles, and that reality isn’t something that can be ignored.'

There is a lot of supposition going on and I haven't read anywhere in any of the posts that this is what is happening!
The only thing in question is that for no acceptable, rational or logical reason OP's 9 year old DD has been excluded from a wonderful Christmas outing that her younger DD has been invited to...that's it! 🙄

She is disappointed and concerned by their uncaring, unkind attitude and lack of understanding of her DD's feelings and, more than I think she made clear in her posts, she very upset that her DH is not supporting her in this and so she should be! 😡😥

No one is failing to understand your point. I’m not sure why you’re so unwilling to accept that not agreeing with you doesn’t mean you’re not understood.

Sure, they could do what OP and her DD want them to do, but they don’t want to, and that’s fine. That she’s upset about this doesn’t mean she’s entitled to get what she wants from them, and that they’re unreasonable for refusing to provide it. Sometimes you just have to live with your negative feelings and not expect others to accept responsibility for them. That’s life.

That they don’t have to and have no responsibility to absolutely relevant here. It may not be to you, but that doesn’t mean anyone else has to agree with that view, no matter how frustrating you may find that fact.

Hence the ‘if’.

She’s been excluded for the rational and logical reason that it’s a trip that the SIL arranges for her mother and her mother’s grandchildren, and OP’s eldest isn’t a grandchild. The rationality of this isn’t dependent on you liking it.

Yes, she’s disappointed and upset. Ok.

and that’s fine. That she’s upset about this doesn’t mean she’s entitled to get what she wants

It’s not fine. It’s not remotely “fine” to hurt a child . And the child is not “entitled” for wanting to be treated like she matters in the blended family.

'Yes, she’s disappointed and upset. Ok.' 😱
No actually it's most definitely not OK and I'm worried and disheartened that so many on here just don't get that! 😥

'OP’s eldest isn’t a grandchild'...but she's just that, a CHILD, related 'by blood' to a 'grandchild' and as a young 'step-daughter' surely deserves to be included as it's the kind, caring and compassionate thing to do as OP's DH should not have to be told!! 😡
How very sad that you just don't see that?

Yep it’s definitely not ok.

And in minute that poster will say “well it doesn’t matter if you think it’s ok, because they can do what they want , whether you like it or not”

Which is obvious.

I fully get that you believe that. I’m also getting that you think people can only understand your point if they’re in agreement with you. That’s unfortunate, as is your being ‘worried and disappointed’. Fittingly, those are negatives feelings you’ll have to live with.

If OP’s upset then… yeah, ok. It is what it is. What she wants to do about that to is up to her (and what she’s decided what she wants to do is pull herself and her eldest back from her in laws), but
expecting other people to mollify her by doing what she wants isn’t going to get her anywhere.

Yes, she‘s a child and their granddaughter’s half sister. Neither of those things make her their grandchild, or mean that everyone has to agree that they’re being unreasonable not to include her. We don’t.

OP’s DH has been told what she thinks and feels. He doesn’t have to agree with her either, or do what she wants. Just as well, because he doesn’t and won’t.

I acknowledge that you believe that 🙂

Yes, I know, the obtuse and irrational refusal to accept that what I am saying is not my 'opinion' is maddening... It's just what it is, mean spirited, callous and frankly quite cruel! It's like talking to the wall! 🙄

Wow...that's very magnanimous of you!! 🙄

Lol.

Sure, you are free to believe your opinion is fact same way that you’re free to believe the world is 6000 years old and was farted into existence by Zeus. Fortunately, it’s not something that I am bound to or troubled by.

Okay 🙂

Blimey.
A different perspective isn't justification for attacking another poster.

She's a child. Yes. She’s a child that has been added into the family via a marriage. Shes a child who could be entirely gone from the family before Easter or any other date should the op leave her husband. At which point the family will never see her again she becomes once again a stranger as she was before they met.

I don’t treat my children’s school friends the same as family members and really the ops child is not much different. My child
goes to school with children for 6 years in primary, 7 years with 6th form secondary. With just as many legal rights to any of their friends as this aunty or granny has to the ops oldest. Zero.

She's a child. Yes. She’s a child that has been added into the family via a marriage. Shes a child who could be entirely gone from the family before Easter or any other date should the op leave her husband. At which point the family will never see her again she becomes once again a stranger as she was before they met.

You could say that about any marriage partner, though. Does that mean they should be excluded from family parties on the grounds the marriage might not last so what's the point being nice to them or including them in the family?

IMO if you have the simple choice of making a child happy now or unhappy now, there's no real justification for choosing the latter.

The wife in this case isn’t invited either so 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s not excluded from the family. She’s excluded from an event for grandchildren. The SIL also hasn’t invited her brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and father.

Not every family member has to be invited to everything. Presumably OP doesn’t invite her MIL every time she wants to spend time with her mother, lest the former object to being excluded?

She does get to come to the 'curry night' for siblings and partners, though. Lucky her!