To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

"kids give her nightmares" but because your child is important to you she has befriended your child too.

This friend is priceless YABVVU.

I say your lucky she is still as interested in you and your baby....lots of friends without children don't stick around.

Maybe just say your toddler is going through a stage where you need to be constantly supervising and apologies if you don’t reply as quickly as usual or be able to take calls as often ( use this to cool off the constant messaging but still keep in regular contact). Maybe say you look forward to arranging meeting up for a drink or meal child free. You will have more time for her once your little one is at school I’m sure.

You don't have to reply straight away.

I can imagine the week of no contact allowed you more freedom to get on with your day without the constant interruptions.

Perhaps just reply to her in the evening or when your baby naps, and if your friend says anything hold the boundary. She will have to adjust, just like if you got a new job or moved time zones.

It sounds like a good friendship, but also with kids you don’t have time to respond to this nonsense. Why not have a chat with her that rather than just being non responsive you’d prefer to ease back on the WhatsApps but make sure y spend quality time together. Friendships do eb and flow. Give it time

Is it the regular messaging you don't enjoy? As in, would you enjoy it if you saw her 1:1 but didn't message or call in between?

You've said a few times you don't enjoy talking to her about inane, silly topics (is what I think you mean) like leggings, onions, nail polish etc. And would rather spend time with you baby. This is understandable but do you have other friends, or do you find talking to anyone boring these days?

When you become a SAHM your world can become very small, and it can feel an effort to engage in anything different. If you have other friends you get on better with then this is obv not an issue, but if you don't it might be that your life now is DC. But DC will start school at some point and have their own lives (and will need you less), and good friends are hard to come by then.

I guess if you find the only conversations you enjoy are about your child, and you can't bear to spend time away from your child - then you're in danger of losing yourself. It's also good for DC to see their mum have friends and full lives so they don't feel the pressure of being your only companion/friend/source of energy. If you enjoy adult conversations with other people, and it's just this friend who bores you - I would start taking distance, make an excuse to her about being busy/overwhelmed and needing some time alone and see how you feel in a few months. Don't have to decide now. I've had friends who've annoyed me at various points in the years I've know them, but it's always passed and I'm so grateful I didn't cut them off.

This is true. Absolutely nothing else can make you grow up.

One of the most painful memories I have is of a very close friend who became a mother telling me that she preferred the company of women who had children over mine. I could tell that anyway, as she never seemed interested in what I had to say. It was particularly painful as I had lost a pregnancy and then never been able to conceive after that - I made my peace with it, but it was awful to be rejected by someone on the basis of not being a mum.

I think you could maintain the relationship without being quite as available. If she messages while you're in the middle of something with your child don't answer her calls about what to eat. Just reply later and say sorry, was in the middle of something.

This is enlightening. I'm wondering if a friend who has stopped texting me after years of friendship might be feeling the same as you.

You can of course do what you like but I bet you will regret it in the future.

The communication sounds a bit juvenile, it reminds me of my teen daughters with their friends. They have time for that, I don't and also couldn't be bothered with it. I don't give a shit about someone's fridge, their nail varnish etc just act like an adult and decide yourself if your onions off. Maybe the break made you also realise you prefer not to be communicating with that intensity.

Rather than ending the friendship, as she does sound like a great friend, it's more the intense communicating that needs scaled back.

Precisely. Look at Angela Merkel, Helen Mirren, Oprah Winfrey. So childish, all of them. If only they had become mothers and matured.

Make new friends
But keep the old.
One is silver
And the other's gold.

Agree with this. The constant inane messages and chat about juvenile nonsense would absolutely do my head in. She sounds very immature for a woman in her 30’s so I think you’ve outgrown her at this stage of life.

Don’t throw away the friendship because your stages could align again so just scale back the daily chatter and maybe keep it just to occasional catch ups right now.

Having a baby is all consuming at times so that’s the best reason to scale back contact. And maybe just don’t reply all the time to the inane stuff . Only really respond when you are feee to talk properly

This argument about kids making you grow up just makes me laugh. As if losing both my parents, being abandoned by my husband in a foreign country after emigrating there for him, and finding out I have a sky-high risk of the genetic cancers that took my parents didn't make me grow up! 😂

I find that real life tends to pounce on ya, kids or not.

I don't think she sounds immature, I think she sounds lovely, cheerful, and positive. I wish I had more people like that in my life. And her adjusting to the OP's change of lifestyle when she had a child shows maturity. The immature reaction would have been to fade away.

That’s not irony.

I picked up on OPs attitude about her friend, almost belittling her life as ‘pointless’ because she has chosen not the have children. Many other posters picked up on this too by the way.

I used to be like the OP. Babies and small kids bore me shitless these days. Don't ditch the friend !

YANBU OP I definitely think some friendships run their course

Two things came to mind here…

Are you sure the argument with your friend is truly resolved, at least from your side? Could her comments have come from a misunderstanding or unmet expectations for support?

Could burnout be influencing your feelings? While you may have enjoyed the constant communication, your break might have revealed a need for more balance. Your lives have gone in different directions, and that’s okay—it’s natural to prioritise things differently and have less energy to invest in certain aspects of the friendship.

I’d advise against rushing to end this friendship. It seems meaningful and healthy despite the conflict. Be honest with yourself, and if unresolved feelings remain, gently share them with your friend. Ending things over what might be temporary emotions could hurt her deeply, and you may regret it later if she’s not willing to revisit the friendship.

Your friend sounds lovely....

Hmm I get it. I have a good friend like that and a 4 month old baby. She is nice and buys my baby gifts. But she is quite demanding of my time, she goes on and on about herself and has zero understanding of how sleep deprived i am and how overwhelming my life can be. And our catch ups are all about her and a life that I don't have anymore. So it's a mix of lack of interest from both sides really. If she made a dig at me for cancelling because my baby was up all night, that would probably be the straw that broke the camel's back too.

Interestingly other friends who are also childless don't bother me as much. I think because they're less self centered and demanding so I can actually enjoy their company without pressure.

I think the friend needs to evolve a bit. So next time she texts you an onion or something daft just don't reply. Reply on your terms.

If she gets put out just explain that you both have different priorities. That's ok. You are at different points in your life. Or send her pics of toddlers plate like do you think he's had enough dinner or before you flush the loo and ask if that looks ok. And see how that goes.

OP you won’t realise it now, but one day you’ll re-gain some of your former interests. Your children won’t be tiny any more, they’ll have their own lives. Many of the “mum friends” you made will probably have drifted away, because all you really had in common was kids in the same class at school/playgroup. That’s why it’s worth keeping solid long-standing friendships going.