To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

I'm not sure why you're talking to me.

As I get older, I realise best friends who are there for us, and care for us, are true gems. You see so many people in old age on their own. They've let distance/a little argument/kids/life get in the way. A woman I know on the school run makes so little effort with friends, she never socialises, even when we really try, she is obsessed with her boys... who are now at secondary school and she's a bit adrift already.

I treasure my friends. Your partner could leave, your children will grow up, I'd put the effort in.

With all kindness you seem all encompassed by your baby (which I know can be natural for some).

Replying light-hearted conversation doesn’t impact your ability to take your baby to the playground or museum.

If you were saying - you just don’t find her interesting etc I could understand. But it seems all centred about what you could be doing with your baby.

This is not intended as a dig at all - I just think you may regret throwing away a lovely long-term friendship - simply because you could be doing things with your baby.

So what do you think about? Philosophy? Advances in medicine? Middle Eastern Politics?
What is it they say about a little nonsense now and then?

I can understand that hollow, pointless feeling, OP.

This past weekend I went for jaunt around the Christmas markets with a woman I've known for 25 years and considered my "best" friend. We'd worked side-by-side for 10 years and in the ensuing 15 years are mostly in touch via text or e-mail but still confidantes. Much more so than with the friends I regularly see socially.

Well, we were away for four days including sharing a hotel room (to economise) and I feel "the ick" now. And guilty about it. She has just become a very annoying person, very hyper (we are both 61 btw), constantly on the phone or text to her family (husband and adult kids) to the point I felt that she was on holiday with THEM and that I was somewhow tagging along like someone to be endured.

She was constantly talking about her diet (she is stick-thin) but also constantly wanting to stop and eat, sometimes striding 10-15 lengths ahead of me, constantly saying "watch out" for this or that (I did all the driving and if I do say myself, am a very skilled driver; with 40 years experience and a well-maintained auto with new tyres in October. I don't need anyone correcting me.)

I had brought a few snacks - Babybel etc. and got a curt "I don't snack" when I pointed them out. I just felt constantly admonished. She eats like a starving badger and then I felt awkward being only 1/3 done with my meal as she impatiently sat there jittering her foot up and down, eager to get on with it. She only showered once in the four nights we were at the hotel, leaping out of bed and putting on her clothing; again I felt awkward as I shower and do my hair every day, and wear makeup; with her sitting on her bed scrolling on her phone and fidgeting, I had to rush through my routine. Which is 45 min max, pretty no-frills, I always thought.

Just a total difference from our "electronic" relationship; I realized very sadly that she is not really someone I want to spend time with and I feel foolish for confiding so many very personal things over the years to this weirdo.

Granted we have very different lives; I am childfree who has been mostly solo in life, though currently with an SO I don't cohabit with; she is long married (40 years) with three young adult children, an elderly sibling who lives with her, a husband who has some anxiety issues and doesn't work much, a high-energy job, etc. but I thought that together on the road for a fun break that we would be more in sync. It's made me very sad to realize otherwise.

Gosh you sound incredibly judgmental and superior.

Your friend sounds lovely and a real positive energy.

The irony is not lost.

Sorry, to be honest I’m not sure either!

I feel for you because i was in pretty much the same situation. Long term friend, i have kids, she didn't, we messaged everyday throughout day, both of us and i enjoyed messaging her. I had moved away but we met up every month or so. Lovely friend. Anyway one day we had a disagreement. I can't even remember what it was over and we didn't speak for 2 weeks. I woke up the first day and worried about her. The second day i felt relieved. There wasn't this pressure to reply all the time so as not to be bad friend and i enjoyed the peace. After 2 weeks she turned up at my house having driven a long way and i accepted her apology partly because i felt guilty saying i was quite happy not being friends when she'd driven such a long way.
The next day it was back to ping ping ping constantly and whereas before i would of been fine with it, i had had the 2 weeks of peace and realised she was just too full on for me these days and that it had actually been wearing me down without me realising.
I spoke to her after a few days of trying to be like normal and said in the 2 weeks we'd not spoken it made me realise just how much time i spent on my phone. And while i loved and valued her and our friendship i would prefer to just catch up every couple of days perhaps? She took this very badly. Said i was holding a grudge etc etc. Put phone down on me then blocked me on everything. I was fine with that and can honestly say I've not missed her once. That 2 weeks break made me realise our friendship was quite suffocating but it had been like that for so long i didn't realise the effect it was having on me. I didn't make my own decisions everything was discussed with her and since we've not spoken i just feel lighter.
Sometimes you need the break to see that you've outgrown each other. If it feels off don't force it. Friendships that are ment to be will be and those that aren't will fall apart and in turn space with be made for new friendships.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/nov/16/friendship-after-motherhood

No particular comment on whether you take a step back from your friendship or not but I found this article an interesting take on kids/no kids friendships.

Friendships do change when people become parents (it sounds like you are very available to her, more so than my parent friends are) and you need to make an adjustment of contact/response expectations. However, it sounds like a shame to dump an enthusiastic friend over "just not feeling it". At least have a chat with her first, or maybe dissimulate and say you're doing a phone detox to give yourself some breathing space.

May I say gently, that this sounds like a power-trip, triggered perhaps by some other stuff going on with you OP. I've done it with friends before and it was never about them. It was about me trying to feel important and judging another person. Even the way you describe her in your post...you dismiss her life like it's beneath yours because she likes "girly" things and doesn't have kids? I'm sure she's a decent, caring and kind person. People seem to go through these phrases when they are unhappy or overwhelmed and they push people away because they aren't "good enough" but it's just a quick fix for a deeper problem. If you don't feel like texting - don't text. But it's fine to leave it at that....No need to pick her apart and end the friendship. We pick apart our friends almost exclusively because of other stuff going on with us. This I know as someone who has let go off friends, and who has been let go off. It's all ego.

Yes to all those things actually! Plus lots of other, less weighty things (dogs mainly lol). But I’m pretty focused most of the time on work so I probably am dull.

Definitely stick it out and try to get over this rough patch.

I have several friends from my schooldays who never had children, most by choice. I otoh had a larger than average family, and there were definitely times when I felt we all lived in separate universes - they would post photos of lovely holidays in far flung places where they had only one small bag as luggage, carefree skiing, nights out at concerts, weekends in Prague or Copenhagen, news of promotions at work and different boyfriends in and out of their lives, etc, while I was up rinsing puke off tiny pajamas, wrangling toddlers into snowsuits and car seats, teaching small children how to hold a pencil, making school lunches every single day, dealing with a very "difficult" husband, waking every morning to a day of keeping multiple plates in the air and seemingly not making forward progress at all.

But then my DCs all grew up past the heavily dependent stage and my brain regained space for the rest of life's details. It was lovely to be once again on the same wavelength with people who knew me from age 10, well before any of our adult lives took shape.

This stage of your life will pass, OP.

Don't feel bad about your choice. Don't compare your choices with your friend's. It's easy to feel very judged for the choice to be a sahm, to get very defensive about it, to feel others don't see or appreciate your daily struggle to keep your head above water, to feel others think you're a fool to have chosen that, and that they're looking down their noses at you in many ways. There definitely is a lot of judgement of sahms out there, a lot of resentment. And people can be just plain, downright thoughtless too.

But my advice is to hang in there. Your friend may one day walk in your shoes, for starters, and secondly, your energy won't be so completely taken up by your DC in a few years.

Friendship is important.

Yes, do that if you want to lose a good friendship forever.

It really just sounds like you got offended and are still a bit mad at her and this is impacting how you view all your interactions. Maybe you’re pretending you’re over it but still secretly hurt - perhaps clearing the air and addressing it head on will make you feel better? Otherwise I would just give it time, no need to end the friendship, I’m sure after a few months you’ll recover. Friendships naturally ebb and flow I have found. An old friend is like gold dust so never let them go unless you really need to.

Perhaps you are just too busy at the moment as the mother of a toddler, I have a very good friend who likes to call and literally chat for about 3 hours.I sometimes don't have the time for this so won't answer her call as I know it's never just a quick call. I always message and tell her sorry I missed her call as I was busy with this and that and il catch up with her asap. she's a really great friend and would never want to lose her friendship but sometimes she can be a bit much and i just dont have the time.
As your child becomes older you will have more time and freedom and desire that adult company and friendship again and she does sound like a good friend. I would not let her go as like others have said its harder to make good close friends as we get older and you may regret it.

I see how you can fall out of the contact routine once you’ve had a break from it OP. But you seem to have a good friendship which you’ve both enjoy, maybe you just need to evolve it slightly and not text or call as much as you do currently without totally breaking the friendship.
I personally think it’s useful and helpful to have a mixed friendship group of different types of people.

If you have time to sit all day looking at onions and wonder if they have gone bad while painting your nails and constantly texting you have too much time and lack responsibility. That's just truth, but her boredom and lack of stuff to do is not OP's responsibility... making digs when OP is tired because she is literally up all night caring for another vulnerable human then ditching her for a week is not being 'friendly' its being a baby. This is not something she is incapable of 'realizing'.

Not having kids is not an excuse to not get it, before I had kids I had cared for multiple family members including my disabled mam and nana with dementia but even people who haven't usually grasp the idea because it common sense and sympathy. If she has never learned to care and empathize too the point she is completely baffled by this concept then she serious need to grow the fuck up because she is still acting like a child. OP does not have to entertain ANOTHER child when shes already stretched, shes not a martyr who has to throw herself at others feet at her own expense.

It's not a hard concept to understand that taking care of someone is tiring and your not the center of attention when you are a fully grown adult.

This, exactly.

Most adults - yes even those without children -realise that being a parent is time intensive and demanding and your focus is on the child/ren. However, this friend seems to be kind to the daughter and appreciates and values the little one. So, she’s not being insensitive to the fact OP has a child.

I appreciate some people only want to be mummy but the children aren’t little forever. If you ditch your friends, you won’t be left with much when they’re older. I see many women with older children and their relationship sadly breaks down finding they don’t have a support network because they immersed themselves in their “little family” and forgot the rest of the world. That’s fine if they want to brave it alone. Personally, I benefit from having a wide range of people in my life.

I can see you're not on the same page now, but, take this from me who's a few good years down the road from you, hold onto her. There will become a time when the people you've had in your life since the early days are very few and far between and she will become very precious.

I get that you don't want to talk to her about the contents of the fridge instead of spend time with your toddler. In 10 years your toddler will be skulking about in their room messaging their friends, and you will be sitting there thinking that you'd quite like to discuss the contents of your fridge with someone.

She's a good, kind friend. Hold onto her.

@housethatbuiltme hard disagree. OP’s responsibilities are not hers, ok maybe you’d hope that she would get it without prompting but nobody’s perfect.

Anyway, what’s prompted the change of heart isn’t OP’s increased responsibility, it’s the argument.

It sounds like it was a very intense relationship and the week “off” made you realise that. Do you think maybe if you somehow managed to change it from a daily contact friendship to a couple of times a week friendship you would feel differently. From what you’ve said you still like her but just find intensity too much. Less intense and you may well find the relationship is more fun again?

You sound like a bit of a cow. Dumping a friend who seems great just because she doesn't want marriage and kids like you do? I hate people who dump their friends the moment they have kids.

OP, maybe it's just too soon for you to get back in the groove. Give it a bit of time to let it blow over (for you). She sounds like an amazing friend who loves your kid, and that's really hard to find.