To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

That's sad. What a shame.

This is just another iteration of childfree being second class citizens to the childed.

It never ends. Break free now.

It sounds like have made parenting your entire world, and you take it all very seriously, meaning that her chat now seems trivial. That's not a dig, but try not to lose your identity too much.

I’d just reply to her at the end of the day.

TBH that’s what you’ve had done if you’d had meaningful work all these years. You can’t reply to every message about nail varnish.

In a nutshell, you've bigger fish to fry

Your child

I think you might raise your head out of the melée of the early years one day and regret giving this friendship up.

I know you think your life is better, richer, more meaningful than hers because you have a child. But actually it’s just different. And it Won’t always be like it is now.

I find it strange how she seems to have a fulfilling life on the surface because you said she enjoys travelling and has a partner, but her conversations sounds extremely dull. It’s one thing asking, ‘’What do you think of my nail polish?’’, or ‘’Does this onion look off?’’ Every so often, but it seems like these sort of trivial and tedious questions are very regular and you’ve realised you want more from a friendship. Deeper and more interesting interactions.

I actually had the exact same thought about a friend a while back, she seemed stuck in the same place in her life and I felt like I was changing and wanted more out of life, I no longer cared about pointless small talk because it didn’t matter. I had more focus. I think I was going through a turning point in my life coupled with a bit of stress and I thought ‘’oh, fuck off, I couldn’t care less what colour your nail varnish is!’’ 🤣. The good news is my friend has got better and more interesting since and we’re pretty much back to normal, but I felt comfortable enough to tell her that I am sick of trivial crap.

Maybe the argument has made you realise how petty and immature she is, and she seems to be clinging to you like she doesn’t have many other friends. I’d hazard a guess she isn’t as happy with her life as it may seem at first glance given that she is trying to get your attention so much in mundane ways.

Maybe you have grown apart. I know plenty of perfectly nice people who I wouldn’t want to be long term friends with. Can you tell her, tactfully, that you would prefer it if she could talk to you about more important life events, as you don’t always have time to be replying to trivial chatter, and sometimes you might come across abrupt because you’re tired/stressed or whatever? See if that improves it and if she makes another dig about parents, then you can maybe cool the friendship more and tell her you don’t appreciate her jokes.

FWIW, I’m child free, so it’s not about children for me. I just think non stop small talk is utterly boring. 😴 I much prefer someone to tell me stories like ‘’guess what happened today?’’ And it being something interesting or funny, or telling me about big future plans or big life events, asking advice etc, not a constant stream of ‘’Do you like my nails?’’ I probably sound like a right misery, though 🤣

The noble calling of the bigger fish! How can anyone compete with that? 😂 It might seem that way now, but when OP's little Messiah is a monosyllabic teenage lump hiding in his bedroom all the time, she might miss her friend!

@BettyBardMacDonald I think it’s the trivia texting that’s causing the problem, tbh. Yes, the odd “look what I bought” or “what do you think of this?” message is fun, but this sounds like it’s multiple times a day. That’s tedious.

They need some distance from each other so it’s fun when they meet up. No one wants to be bombarded with trivia.

You’re not a misery, @Teanbiscuits33 , it’s genuinely tedious. One of my SIL’s likes to send photos of every meal they eat while on holiday. OK, a photo of a local delicacy is interesting, but her DH having coffee and a roll for breakfast? Not so much!

Do you feel at her beck and call? Maybe don't rush to reply as much. If you are on your way out say. Just heading to park can I text you at x time?

It reads like you resent the time she takes from you but only you can manage that.

Yes, exactly. Occasionally these things are fine, but if it’s constant you run out of things to say and just don’t bother opening the message at all. It’s like when a friend has a child and just sends constant photos of them to the chat, there’s only so many times you can say, ‘’Awww, how cute’’ 🥰. I want meaningful or funny conversations. Nothing worse than blow by blow accounts of tiny things

"She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now."

She messages you or chats everyday! Wow. You're a busy mum. I can see why the endless chit chat is a bit draining and feels pointless. It wd drive some people mad.

You've just gone on different ways. I do get that. Ease off slowly the poor woman might not have many friends.

It does feel lots of time and energy is spent on trivial updates.

I have a childfree friend who is generally lovely and sweet but occasionally says insensitive or clueless things, especially to do with kids. I just put it down to the fact that she doesn't know what parenting is like and has no interest in them really, which is fine. We talk about other stuff, and I actually quite enjoy having a friendship where kids aren't a topic of conversation. I don't tend to vent to her about stuff to do with parenting anymore though, so I suppose I put up a bit of an emotional guard to protect myself from her insensitivity. We're not as close as we were pre-kids but I still perceive the friendship as worthwhile

But you don't need to make your child wait. If you want to go to the playground or museum, go. Messaging isn't a summons to be available immediately. Reply to her at your leisure and go about your own life as you want.

If she's the sort to stamp her foot if you don't reply immediately then I'm not surprised you want to draw back a bit, she's the unreasonable one. However if that's all in your head and she's as lovely as you depict her in your other posts then you should be able to message at your convenience without necessarily distancing yourself.

However as a child-free woman I've experienced a few friends whose interest in me (or anything outside their little family) plummeted to zero overnight after becoming parents. We can tell! And by the time you come out of your parental fog it's not a given we'll be there to pick up where we left off.

That's different to the natural ebbs and flows of friendships where sometimes life just gets in the way of course.

Tbh, if friend and child get on well, I would not just maintain but nurture my friendship with her. Why can she not be included in trips to museums and galleries? Eventually you’ll be grateful for someone else (someone you trust) to take your child out for a couple of hours or a full day - maybe a weekend.

Actively include her now - and reap the rewards for years to come.

I think she sounds nice and sociable. Maybe from her perspective, she's worried you're a bit bored and thinks you want acknowledgement she's still there. Just say you're busy at a museum with your baby so can't reply as much because of that but will text later. No different to being at work etc in that regard. Loads of people can't message throughout the day, kids or not.

I mean this honestly, but do you consider things from her perspective? You say she's occasionally insensitive but how? I don't want to turn this into a parent-bashing thread but so much is catered to them. And other people have things going on too. They don't have the monopoly on maturity or love or worry or tiredness. So, and I ask this from a place of genuine curiosity, how is she insensitive?

I agree with this. I think you are understandably absorbed with your toddler and probably have little energy for anyone on a different plane to you at the moment, but as time goes by, your toddler will be at school, your life will also change, you will very much regret losing your old friend.
I was your friend in this situation as I had my children later than all my friends, so for years I was the single one visiting my mates and making an effort to adjust to the changes in their lives, and they made an effort to still be interested in mine. I will say that it really is an effort, your friend is making a genuine effort to adjust to you being a mother and being kind towards your toddler, that is very generous of her. Can’t you extend that generosity towards her too ?

Wow thank you for all the responses! I can't respond to each individual one but in general...

Why can't I respond even if I am with my child? Surely I have a minute spare?
Yes of course there are times when I can get a minute to myself, but I guess I've got other priorities, like I'd rather use that minute to throw laundry in the washing machine or, if it's a chance to go on my phone, check emails / respond to a practical question from my husband / pay a bill / do something that needs doing.

I like the "phone detox" suggestions a lot, I think that's what I'll do.

About the mutual 'friend' (MF) who wasn't nice to me in late 20s. We've all known each other for over a decade, used to be close friends. MF and I often talked about how much we disliked our jobs and wanted kids, my best friend was the opposite. I was getting engaged and planning a wedding around the time that MF broke up with her boyfriend, I also quit my job around the same time. Lots of comments from MF towards me about how silly it is to get married in your late 20s, jokes about my partner not being good enough, jokes about me marrying him to avoid working, she cried at my hen do, got very drunk and said she should have been getting married and I'm making the weekend all about me (on my hen do...)

Am I over the argument? Yes I absolutely am.
Did we make up? Yes we spoke and realised it was more that I misunderstood the tone whilst she admits that the way it was phrased did actually sound pretty rude.

Is it that for you something about the fight is unresolved? What was said or how it made you feel? It's like you're looking, subconsciously maybe to continue the fight?

I think talk to her about the fight before you cut her out. She sounds a great friend and one fight should be fixable.

We grow and change but don't break it off entirely. Now my children are grown I value the friends I had in my youth and those that didn't have children are free to have adventures with us.

Your child won’t be at home with you forever; they will grow up and life will go through different stages for you. Right now you are poles apart but don’t lose a great friendship. You will pick up again in the future and when you are older you will treasure the friendship simply because you go back such a long way. Don’t lose something good because you feel a bit differently at the moment.