To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

[useran]

I’ve been friends with this girl since sixth form, so a long time now. We’re both in our early 30s. I’m married, have a toddler, and am a stay-at-home mom. She’s working, traveling, has a boyfriend but zero interest in marriage or kids (her words: “kids give me nightmares”). Basically, we’re living completely different lives.

There’s no big falling out or anything, it’s just that, for me, the friendship feels like it’s fizzled out. Definitely not for her though. She’s still messaging me all day, every day. It’s “Good morning!” followed by “Look at this dress I bought” or “Does this onion look off?” and “Send me baby pics, I miss her!” A few months ago, I was right there with her, loving the daily chatter and feeling so lucky to have her as my best friend.

Then we had this tiny, silly argument, a complete misunderstanding, and didn’t talk for a week. Ever since then, something’s shifted for me. Those conversations that used to be fun now just feel… pointless. She’ll call during the day (she works from home) to say, “Hey, what are you up to? Want to see my nail polish?” And instead of enjoying it, I’m thinking, “Okay, can we get to the point? I'd rather head to the park.”

She hasn’t changed; she’s still sweet, funny, and caring. But after that week of silence, i don't feel at all as keen as I used to. All the updates about random stuff—what we ate, what’s happening next week, the usual—it just feels like too much now.

I can’t figure out why I feel this way. Maybe it’s because our lives are so different, but that feels like a lame excuse. Or maybe it’s because she’s still friendly with someone who was horrible to me in my late 20s (and she knows it). But that’s been the case for years, so why would it bother me now?

I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I just don’t feel the same about the friendship anymore.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine. My toddler, on the other hand, had the best time, which somehow makes me feel even worse. If I let this friendship go, it’s not just me who loses out, my child does too, and she really loves seeing her.

God - so much angst over this when none is needed.

All relationships, including old friendships, ebb & flow.

You are at totally different life stages. It's not so much you feeling you need to 'distance yourself' from this friend, it's just that you (and her) have different priorities. Both of which are fine.

Believe me, when your DC is a bit older and needs you less, you may see this friend more and it will be great but right now your family is your world.

I don't see why you have to do anything TBH. See her when and if you want to. Not sure why this is a big deal. Good friends will understand, particularly through the baby years when you don't see each other as much

So when you have a baby you stop caring about anything outside of your child and never want a friends opinion on anything like a nail polish or anything "inane" again? Got it.

Your poor friend- sounds like she's continuing the friendship the way it's always been, plus making a big effort with your child, and you've decided you're suddenly above it because you're shirty about something she said a week ago that frankly doesn't even sound like she was in the wrong for.

I think you’d regret losing her once you are out of the baby stage. It’s great you’re obsessed with your Dc. Once they are older you might want adult conversation with a non mum friend again, one that sees and values you as an individual.

Not to sound mean, but you sound a bit judgemental of her and her decision to have a non conventional life. It’s like the things she gets excited about seem trivial to you. Your little ones will grow up super fast and you might like to have a friend there.

My friends who have children ask for advice on all sorts of frivolous silly things. We are more than mothers…

Oh don't worry, the only people who can be silly and frivolous are those of us without children.

I'm a very busy professional barrister and business owner. Plus I'm an insomniac and looking after a husband who has a terminal illness. The best conversation I've had in the last few weeks has been about nail polish.

It sounds like you're more in love with your baby than your friend right now, OP - and I reckon that's completely normal. You're blissed out with that new love, and your friend is asking you about things you couldn't care less about, like off onions and nail polish. That's fine though. Things will swing round again and you'll be glad of your friendship. I'd find it a bit annoying if I had to answer pointless texts about onions too, tbh. I'd find that level of need for my attention a bit of a struggle, particularly if I had a baby too. I can see why you're not feeling the friendship love at the mo. I wouldn't sack her off forever though. Just maybe dial it down a bit, if you can?

It's not just having a baby. I had a longtime friend of 30-plus years, we used to do all sorts of fun things together, communicate frequently. Worked together at one time, in our 20s. Stayed friends, hung out, supported one another through the cancer deaths of our mothers, who died 3 weeks apart.

She married in her late 30s and had a miserable, emotionally abusive marriage for 20 years.

I supported her through this, allowing her space to vent, always offering refuge (she was the breadwinner, and ordinarily a very strong woman who did her own household renovations, was a top performer in an IT job, etc. but she allowed herself to be treated as a doormat by this paunchy, juvenile, selfish oaf she married).

Our outings always had to be curtailed so she could get home in time to cook "Gerald's" dinner. He was suspicious every time she was out and she sometimes had to pretend she was at the supermarket or whatnot rather than hanging out with me. It really was grim. I put up with it even though I felt it disrespected our friendship to be treated like a dirty secret. Oddly, her husband liked me and was generally pleasant; he just hated her out doing anything that didn't revolve around him.

So fast forward and he gets a rare neurological disease at age 60 and is dead within 18 months. I supported her through all of that, often used my precious annual leave to sit with him so she could have a break for essentials like getting new eyeglasses, sat with her when he was in surgery (multiple), helped her with the funeral, helped her clear out his clothing and other belongings.

Zoom! She hires a man to renovate the bathroom, and he was literally the first man over the doorstep when she was widowed, and they quickly became an item. I was dropped like a hot coal. She had all the time in the world for his adult children and his grandchildren, helping them garden, build things for the kids to play with, host parties for them. Suddenly good old Betty was barely worth an occasional text, all of which were glorying in the wonderment of "Mike."

No thanks. I gave up and don't even send a Christmas card any more.

I think you need to remember that your phone is for your benefit and nobody else’s. You don’t have to answer all the time or at all. If you are busy with your kids, get on with your life and respond when you want too. The friendship will either mature or it will fade. Both are fine.

Im guessing the argument was about her not understanding you from your update. You also mentioned her being friends with someone who hurt you. So still not understanding you? Maybe that little argument was a trigger for you. Maybe you need to talk it through with her. Also I can’t talk all hours of the day anymore but still happy to catch up etc. Friebdships do change and I remember child free friends looking bored when others chatted about their babies. But it changes and your child won’t be little forever. But it sounds more than just differences.

Maybe it’s not that you’re jealous of her life but offended that she doesn’t value your life ?
The joke about cancelling and her conviction single life is the bomb.

Maybe It feels like she doesn’t care about your stuff or value your life so why should you care about her lettuce and nail polish ?

So you don't think multiple mundane messages a day is excessive? Okay then. It shouldn't be all or nothing

I think her updates are a lot. I would give the friendship a bit of space and then go back to it. Maybe explain there’s something going on with you x

End the friendship - people deserve to be wanted and you don't want her. It's thre right thing to do.

I’ve been or I am the childless friend with friends who’ve had children. Yes friendship can ebb and flow but if you have a good friend that’s worth more than anything. To your friend she’s just being herself.

She sounds nice. You sound like you can’t really be bothered with her anymore now that you’ve become a mum and you feel that spending time with her is frivolous and a waste because her life isn’t the same as yours. I think do her a favour and cut her off so that she doesn’t think you are still her friend. Hopefully you won’t have regrets in the future.

I agree with this and it reflects badly on you OP. Cherish your friends they are gold. I'm quite shocked by your thread if I'm honest. As you get older your friendships will need effort to maintain. A loyal friend is a great gift.

oh my goodness, please, do not send this amazing human being away. You will be forever sorry.

I'd let the dust settle for a few weeks and see how you feel.

In the meantime, I'd text: "Hi friend, things are quite full on at the moment so wanted to give you a heads up I'm going to be a bit quiet over text for a while. If I don't speak to you before, hope you have a lovely Christmas. It would be good to catch up in the new year when things ease up."

What a nasty, dismissive attitude to have.
Starting to see what childless people are seeing from some parents.

This was going to be my point. At some point in the future your DC won’t need you to be there so much, they will wind you up and you will crave friendships with people who don’t want to just talk kids.

If your friend is a good person and there is a lot of shared history, then I would think carefully if you want to call time on things.

However, if the friendship isn’t something you want any longer then do tell her so she can stop wasting her energy on you.

@useran some of my closest friends don't have children and I very much do (larger than average family size!). Don't let that be the defining reason to end a friendship, or define a friendship. You may be in the early haze right now, you will make Mummy friends who in years you have nothing in common with. People are thrown together and many people abandon friends in different seasons. I saw a few of my friends do this. Now their dc are older, they are feeling pangs of guilt/wishful thinking they hadn't dumped friends from the past whose lives were different.

She may be feeling like she needs to make extra effort to keep the friendship going because she doesn't want you to feel she doesn't care about you now you have child. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Arrange a get together for a few weeks time and try to remember what made you friends originally.

you are a nasty ..., hth

Well you are obviously not over the argument. I think a lot of people, when they have children, feel that their lives, concerns, needs are more important because of the demands on them - and while it is understandable in some ways it is a shame for the friends who get left behind because someones priorities have changed.

I think the baby and toddler years are so busy and intense in the sense that you have someone needing you constantly that sometimes it's hard to feel the same interest and enthusiasm in what seem to be less important things.

I was lucky enough to be able to visit my childless friend without my children a couple times a year (we lived in different areas of the country) and so although she didn't have children it was my escape place where I could be me and I think that helped us navigate through those years. We are still close friends after 30 odd years.

I wouldn't give up this friendship. It's easy to view the lives of others from our own vantage point. As your children grow up you'll be back to caring about a lot of those things again and close adult friendships can be hard to find.

@useran can you tell her that you might not always be able to reply straight away and see if it scales back all the texting time? That seems to be what you didn't miss.