Private school bursary on £160k household income

[GhostlyHappenings]

I have already posted this in ‘Education’, but I know this board is more popular and I’m likely to reach a wider audience who may / may not have experience of my situation.

I’m exploring options for secondary schools for my son. He is bright and ahead academically, diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. He doesn’t have any support at school currently, does not quality for an EHCP, but I appreciate secondary school is another ball game entirely which is why I am looking at private education and independent schools.

I live with my partner (not my son’s dad) and we have a joint mortgage. We do not share finances beyond the joint mortgage and each pay a proportional share of the bills. He has two other children to financially support. We are not married but do have a child together. He has a high income of £140k, I earn £20k. In any case, after his share of the bills, including substantial child maintenance bills and private education for his two children, he has no money left in his pot.

On paper, it looks like we have a huge household income, but the reality is that my partner doesn’t financially support my son, beyond paying for a higher proportional percentage of the household bills. He doesn’t pay for my son’s clubs, activities, clothes, general upkeep, all of that is paid for by me and his biological father, who I receive maintenance from. Likewise, I don’t financially support his two children, beyond my proportional share of the household bills. For all intents and purposes, if I wasn’t living with my partner, my son would qualify for a bursary.

I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and whether or not you qualified for a bursary or any financial assistance, or even if the private school took your personal circumstances into consideration. I would be paying for my son’s education through my own wages, the monthly maintenance I get from his dad and help from grandparents, but £20k + fees a year is beyond my means, so I was hoping the school may take personal circumstances into consideration and offer a reduction. Does anyone have any experience of similar situations?

This arguments brought up constantly when it comes to benefits & the truth is you chose this man as a partner knowing he had other kids to support & chose to create a home where he's not responsible for a child you already had in theory a "good parent" wouldnt move in or have a relationship with a person who didn't or couldn't fully support them or their existing children let alone have another child together while a good chunk of money is paid out for prior kids your not in charge of the day to day care for

This was your decision.

As for wether it effects private school tuition is another matter entirely as that's usually decided by the school & unless your already registered there & applying for hardship it probably won't matter at all

The easiest way to get "cheap" reliable private education for your child is too register them in (paying the fees necessary to do so) then plead poverty or request a payment plan you stay in arrears of as they rarely if ever are able to actually kick kids out especially for parents being too broke though they'll make their threats

It's not ethical but it's guaranteed & you won't have to worry about applying against other children or pushing your child to ensure co-funding is available

You aren't providing housing, heat, light, food, travel to work, clothes, shoes, etc for yourself and 1.5 kids on twenty grand a year.

Huh? But you MADE that decision when you had a child and chose to live with this man who is not your DS's dad. You became a family, so your partner SHOULD be providing for your son too, as that's what happens when you make a decision to become a family.

Your partner perhaps needs to think whether he can afford the private school fees for 4 children, or say no to all of them.

Your partner's income will affect university, so that's another thing to think about. I'm not looking at private schools for DC, but I did decide to stay living separately from my DP because his higher income would mean he would be expected to pay DC's university costs.

Them's the breaks.

I get Universal Credit as a single parent, if I moved in with a partner they would stop my Universal credit regardless of whether a partner contributed to my child financially or not, this is the same situation. YABU to expect financial assistance in your circumstances. You're benefiting from having a partner to share bills and mortgage with.

They set their own rules; it depends on how badly they want your child; if they are outstanding academically or very good academically with perhaps exceptional art or music, they may well adjust, if you add diversity into the mix that will sometimes help too as they are often very white insititutions and many know it. If however the child is just bright then I don't think they'd bend the rules. I know there are parents with very gifted kids each year who basically see which school they would get the best offer from and try to play schools off against each other. There is a lot ot flexibility.

Are bursaries only based on finances, or do they award them in other circumstances? Someone I worked with earned fairly well, as did his wife, and his child won a bursary for an exceptional private school because she was extremely good at art.

The only thing to do is to check the individual school rules and speak to each school directly about your circumstances. But I would suggest you need a plan B, as if you're relying solely on a bursary, you can't afford private school.

My friends school visited the house before awarding the busary. If you drove a better car than him it was a hard no.

Like thats going to happen

I didn’t know you could get DLA for a child with autism unless they needed additional care and supervision at home. Which seems unlikely as he is such an academic high flier who needs no accommodations whatsoever at school.

Can you please share how I can apply for this @GhostlyHappenings as I have a teen who is autistic?

You're a blended family and you want to continue being a blended family aside from accessing a bursery when you want to be considered single or a family with your ex.

Not sure anything in life works like that. You are a household and a blended family. The terms of the blend need to be discussed among the adults and really should be considered at the outset. Your DH now has two families being treated differently. I'm wondering if the child you have together will be educated privately like his/her half siblings and therefore your own child will be the only one not privately educated? If so, then yes, this seems grossly unfair as is expecting a bursery to resolve it. That's not what they're for.

This really.

OP, your child isn’t who bursaries should be for.

Not sure this is written in good faith or not, bit yes, you can. My asd child can attend school, is sn academic high flyer, needs no accommodations. She knows not to leave the campus during the day as she has no traffic awareness. She cannot travel on the school bus and she goes the whole day without eating, drinking or using the toilet so there is extra care required at home. Likewise extra help planning and many many other things.

Still not sure if your enquiry is genuine as I would have thought an asd parent would understand the complexities don't begin and end at the school gate, an enormous amount of work might be going on behind the scenes to enable the child to get there. Every case is of course different.

I'm also confused if the shared child is also getting private school paid? If so, you can't just leave one kid out of 4 out. Maybe they all need to 'slum it' in public school!

The shared child is a baby so is a long way off needing secondary education, and a massive age gap between siblings. We haven’t thought that far ahead.

You can absolutely get DLA for a child who needs few accommodations at school but needs more care at home. It’s my son’s ADHD that impacts him the most. He is very hyperactive at home (likely from having to be quiet / still / mask at school), this means he is accident prone, impulsive and needs instructions to be repeated multiple times.

You need to look down the line to university, OP ... as your household income means your son will get the basic minimum loan from the government.

I think on £20,000 pa your standard of living would be very different to the one you have now with your partner, even if you were claiming benefits. You wouldn’t have been able to afford a mortgage for example. I can’t see private schools not taking the household income as a whole in to consideration. You also mentioned you will be getting help from grandparents, it sounds like you are already in a more fortunate position than many.

But why don’t you start researching and applying and see what happens?

I am going to discuss with DS and his dad, the proposition that he becomes the main carer and that DS lives with his dad for the majority of the time. That will solve all educational issues.

OP, you say the youngest is a baby, a long way off school and a massive age gap. That's irrelevant and by not discussing this, you're doing all the children a disservice. I came from a blended family like this and vowed I would never enter this situation as an adult. My siblings had 'a massive age gap', many of the other factors in your post strike a cord. It ended very badly for us. I have bourne the brunt of resentment none of which was of my own making. It has affected my whole life. I would give up every advantage to have had a loving family.

Christ on a bike! Just use normal schools FFS.
or get a better paid job, work more hours? You know, do what the rest of us do when we want something that’s currently financial out of our reach…

Is your autistic child well supported in regular schools? That's really good. I think the op was making the point that regular schools aren't usually very supportive or work well for autistic kids so it's great you've found a supportive one for your child, that may give the op hope that it's possible to find one for hers :)

Then you should put in a claim for DLA. The government hopes to put people off claiming by thinking they aren’t entitled. It’s for any care needs that are over and above what would be expected for your child’s age group.

To me this is illogical, if your son is happy and settled with you, then for him to change home and his day-to-day life may cause more upset and difficulties than you're trying to avoid by sending him to a private school. You're also getting a little ahead of yourself, you don't know that you son wouldn't do well in state education (you have a fear but that's all it is at the moment), your son maybe happier in a school where a lot of his friends go rather than a new independent one, and lastly he may not pass the exam, or be offered a bursary even if he does live with his Dad.

Low rate care is if your child needs an hour of extra support a day (over and above their normal age group). For those genuinely interested for their own children.