Private school bursary on £160k household income

[GhostlyHappenings]

I have already posted this in ‘Education’, but I know this board is more popular and I’m likely to reach a wider audience who may / may not have experience of my situation.

I’m exploring options for secondary schools for my son. He is bright and ahead academically, diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. He doesn’t have any support at school currently, does not quality for an EHCP, but I appreciate secondary school is another ball game entirely which is why I am looking at private education and independent schools.

I live with my partner (not my son’s dad) and we have a joint mortgage. We do not share finances beyond the joint mortgage and each pay a proportional share of the bills. He has two other children to financially support. We are not married but do have a child together. He has a high income of £140k, I earn £20k. In any case, after his share of the bills, including substantial child maintenance bills and private education for his two children, he has no money left in his pot.

On paper, it looks like we have a huge household income, but the reality is that my partner doesn’t financially support my son, beyond paying for a higher proportional percentage of the household bills. He doesn’t pay for my son’s clubs, activities, clothes, general upkeep, all of that is paid for by me and his biological father, who I receive maintenance from. Likewise, I don’t financially support his two children, beyond my proportional share of the household bills. For all intents and purposes, if I wasn’t living with my partner, my son would qualify for a bursary.

I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and whether or not you qualified for a bursary or any financial assistance, or even if the private school took your personal circumstances into consideration. I would be paying for my son’s education through my own wages, the monthly maintenance I get from his dad and help from grandparents, but £20k + fees a year is beyond my means, so I was hoping the school may take personal circumstances into consideration and offer a reduction. Does anyone have any experience of similar situations?

But you have a) plucked some numbers out of the air - you have no idea of their mortgage, and b) left out significant costs such as pension, savings, day to day living, utilities etc

I would worry about how it will affect your son when he grows up and realises he might have had better opportunities afforded to him had you not prioritised your relationship with a man who is not only not contributing, but actively impinging on his opportunities.

Are you going to send your joint child to private school like their older half siblings? If so, save some money for therapy for your son.

My friend has been through a bursary process and it is brutal, especially in the current climate when schools are struggling. If your partner’s other children go to private school, that in itself will preclude you from a bursary IMO

My friend didn’t pass the process by the way, and could not accept the place offered to her daughter.

I think this will be based on household income.

also, assuming things stay the same, your partners income will affect what your son will get for uni too. (If he goes). He will only qualify for minimum maintenance loan and you as a household will be expected to top him up, probably about £6-7k per year minimum. Are you aware of this? Will your partner pay this, or can you afford to?

Congratulations. Really encouraging to hear.

I disagree with this somewhat.

My son has ASD and is very academically able. He does however struggle socially and in ways that might make secondary school (where there is less focus on pastoral care and more teachers you have to build relationships with) very challenging. If not detrimental to his mental health and development.

If a private school could support his needs in a way that public couldn’t I would consider it for him when he gets to that age. My daughter might not need that level of support so I would consider only putting him in.

@Bex5490 the 3 other children in the family would be at private school. That is quite different to what you describe

If needs can’t be met in mainstream (eg sensory, need smaller classes) it is possible get private schools funded via EHC plan. Would depend on level need and then not all private schools would be queuing up to accept EHCP pupil. But some are inclusive.

If this school really was the best thing for your child, you'd move out so they could go to this school after first having a conversation with your partner about your long term future together as a family unit and what's best for your son.

So either the opportunity isn't all that, you are thinking with your knickers or your partner really doesn't see a long term future for you and doesn't value your son's welfare. Which is the real truth here?

On that income as a household it's absolutely right that there shouldn't be a bursary available. Or it would be taking it away from a single mother on £20000 a year with a son with ADHD.

You get £160k and you’re wanting free private school?!?!?

Sorry I didn’t realise OP’s DP’s children also went to private school so their shared child would be the only one in public.

Speaking from experience
It's very difficult for step children seeing their step siblings get treated differently,it will be hard for your son as they get older .seeing his step siblings have a much better life than his ,especially when he lives with their dad .
Imho ,your partner shouldn't of moved in ,if you couldn't afford between you both the same standard of living for your son .
Your partner should be working towards bridging this gap with you ..he is your child's step father and so should want him to have the same opportunities as his own children

Well then he’ll be fine in state school too.
cut your cloth accordingly. 96 % of us use normal schools, your kid will be fine mucking in with the plebs.

I know! And the private school parents wonder why we aren’t all up in arms about VAT on their fees!

But you actually also share another joint child with your partner don’t you ? So is this shared child going to have the lifestyle and opportunities accorded to them by their fathers income but your own child is going to be living a lifestyle funded only by your and your ex’s income? So you have 2 birth children who are going to be treated differently because they have different fathers even though those children live together in the same household? Does this shared child get the pocket money, holidays, clothing , school trips accorded by having parents with a joint income of £160k whilst your son is getting all the same dictated to by a parent with £20k income plus your ex’s bit? This is the reason why people are finding your reasoning perplexing as you consider yourself on a low income. When you come to retirement are you going to be working into your 70’s on a minimal pension whilst your partner gets to retire early and travel the world?

No, 7% use indy but that rises to 18% at A levels

He’s autistic, which is a disability that affects social skills, emotional regulation and sensory sensitivities. Were you aware that the majority of autistic children aren’t having their needs met in state schools, end up in mental health crisis’ and being horrendously bullied? Even the ones with EHCPs struggle to get support.

I wish I did have the confidence to just send him to state school so he could muck in with the plebs!

What's his owns dad's income? They also will look at the equity in your home and savings. Different schools different rules but I seriously doubt that they will reduce fees as that is an exceptionally high income

I have a child at private school she is on a scholarship and a bursary. I pay 20% of the fees. The form only asks for the income of both parents not household income and I get nothing from her biological father - not a Penny. So her bursary and indeed her free school meals status (letter value up to end of 2025) doesn’t change as a result.

Ask.

Plebs? Charming.

Sorry I meant the form asks for mothers income and father’s income as in both parents I think it is worded parent 1, parent 2.

no household income.

Same with my niece's school. Neither her dad's wife nor my sister's partner count.