Private school bursary on £160k household income

[GhostlyHappenings]

I have already posted this in ‘Education’, but I know this board is more popular and I’m likely to reach a wider audience who may / may not have experience of my situation.

I’m exploring options for secondary schools for my son. He is bright and ahead academically, diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. He doesn’t have any support at school currently, does not quality for an EHCP, but I appreciate secondary school is another ball game entirely which is why I am looking at private education and independent schools.

I live with my partner (not my son’s dad) and we have a joint mortgage. We do not share finances beyond the joint mortgage and each pay a proportional share of the bills. He has two other children to financially support. We are not married but do have a child together. He has a high income of £140k, I earn £20k. In any case, after his share of the bills, including substantial child maintenance bills and private education for his two children, he has no money left in his pot.

On paper, it looks like we have a huge household income, but the reality is that my partner doesn’t financially support my son, beyond paying for a higher proportional percentage of the household bills. He doesn’t pay for my son’s clubs, activities, clothes, general upkeep, all of that is paid for by me and his biological father, who I receive maintenance from. Likewise, I don’t financially support his two children, beyond my proportional share of the household bills. For all intents and purposes, if I wasn’t living with my partner, my son would qualify for a bursary.

I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and whether or not you qualified for a bursary or any financial assistance, or even if the private school took your personal circumstances into consideration. I would be paying for my son’s education through my own wages, the monthly maintenance I get from his dad and help from grandparents, but £20k + fees a year is beyond my means, so I was hoping the school may take personal circumstances into consideration and offer a reduction. Does anyone have any experience of similar situations?

Does your dp plan on funding your joint child's private school?

Most bursaries are capped at 20%. How are you on 20k and your ex on 35k planning on funding the remaining 80% even if you did qualify for the bursary?

I'm not familiar with any offering 50% especially after the VAT changes.

You wouldn't be better off for long as you would be expected to work 30-35 hrs a week

It's not really a grey area, as PP have said, otherwise you could say that 'I'm a SAHM so have no income, why is my partner's income taken into account? All his money is spoken for as he goes on lots of holidays and has three cars, we don't have any left for private school.'

You've chosen to be a household together and these are the consequences.

It is a very strange set up though. I hope your DS is not affected by this attitude where his step dad has no financial input but is happy to fund things for his biological children.

How does it even work? So you and DS spilt a Gregg's sausage roll between you while the others are feasting on caviar? Do they wave you off to a weekend in a caravan in Pontins while they jet off to the Maldives for a few weeks?

Bursaries can't be set up to take account of these situations as a set up where you live together but don't share any finances whatsoever beyond the mortgage are vanishingly rare.

I would be as that’s the exact situation I was in before I moved in with my partner.

If you have one high earner in a relationship, who has a massive tax burden so actual take home isn’t ‘huge’, and a low earner, in lots of circumstances you’d actually be better off not living together as it means the lower earner loses access to all benefits, UC, discounts etc.

Would benefit you if you were a lodger and had a rent book paying your partner for lodgings. A cheat I know.

These have completely gone at DC’s school since the VAT changes were announced. Almost all bursaries have - only a few 20% discounts now. Doubt they’ll last either, this was more to help a few current families who said they would not be able to withstand the increase.

Maybe he cuts his pension contributions for a while to pay for private school? We all have to make choices of where our income goes. Funding a fat pension while someone else pays for your kid’s education isn’t really fair. He is hardly skint on that wage, even with child support.

Yes but the rules have changed now haven't they?

No, because this involves children that aren’t biologically related to the adults in the household. So it’s not just, ‘I’m a SAHM with no money whilst my husband is minted please give me a bursary’.

In most circumstances it would be outrageous to expect a stepparent to completely bankroll children that aren’t theirs. In fact, on lots of threads on Mumsnet, step mums are told they shouldn’t be financially contributing towards stepchildren as they have ‘two parents’.

You say you're not married and financially separate, but you live and have a child together. It's hard to argue that your household income shouldn't matter. The fact your DP doesn't want to support your son is probably quite unusual in this situation.
What will happen to your joint child? If all the other 3 go to private school bit the you can't afford or get a bursary for that one?

I missed this fact ..
So your son, you have with your ex is going to have a massively different life to his step siblings and his half sibling..so both children you birthed will have hugely different amounts of money spent on them .how will that work at Christmas,when your husband is wanting to buy expensive gifts for his child and you can't afford for your son ..yet the two children live in the same house ..
Your husband or DP whatever he is ,should want the same opportunities for your son as husband own ..he's living with your son ..he is a step parent to one of your sons and a proper parent to the other ..why are you allowing your DP to treat your own son differently..that's not how it works in families, children need to be treated the same ,if you want them to get on well and see each other as siblings and family..divides like you describe will lead to resentment and family fall out ..I sadly speak from experience

Pretty much every blended family I know has blended properly, financially and all. Even with the other parents being very active and involved I find your situation quite usual. Half of you are a family but then half of you aren't? I don't understand it.

If you go to the cinema are you paying for you, DS and half your joint child, whilst DP pays for everyone else? What happens when you go out for dinner?

I think it's really sad if a stepparent doesn't want to financially contribute to a stepchild. That would be a huge red flag to me, and I wouldn't want to share a household with someone who had such an 'us and them' approach to my child.

I am really interested to know how it works practically with food, clothes, holidays, presents, days out etc. It really doesn't seem workable without making the step child feel second-rate. If you're saying you and bio dad cover all extra curriculars, surely that's already a big divide between what your partner's children and your shared child get Vs your DS?

Yet for universal credit, or things like student finance for prospective uni students it's household finance regardless of whether you're married or not. This is no different.

You can’t be serious. He’s on 160k and can’t afford to contribute to your household beyond bills? Either his pension contributions are massive (and voluntary- so what are you doing for your pension or is he just sorting him self out in old age?)

I can’t see how you’re benefiting from this relationship, his income- that you don’t access- is going to limit your sons accessibility to help, but he also isn’t benefitting from living within a higher earning household.

I also wonder how he compares to the child you do share, who is accessing that money.

There’s something very sad about this whole set up.

I think this is unrealistic OP.

The only reason you could afford to fund any of the fees at all would be your partner paying your bills at home (presumably).

Which I don’t think a bursar will accept.

OP can you tell us a.bit more about your income?
Could you get a better paid job? Are you full time?
I do think it is unreasonable to expect a bursary for 1 child in a family not to go private where the other 3 go to private school (and I say that as someone who is not an advocate of private school).
I think your DP should appreciate this and whilst not necessarily funding the fees single handedly I think there should be a family effort to make sure your son gets the same education as his siblings. This might mean both of you cutting back, putting a bit less into pension contributions (which are essentially your own savings), you doing a more challenging job or extra hours etc...

How old is your youngest. Could they do state primary so both siblings can do independent secondary?

What is your DP's take on this?

He’s autistic, which is a disability that affects social skills, emotional regulation and sensory sensitivities. Were you aware that the majority of autistic children aren’t having their needs met in state schools, end up in mental health crisis’ and being horrendously bullied? Even the ones with EHCPs struggle to get support.

I wish I did have the confidence to just send him to state school so he could muck in with the plebs!

If you think it's going to be that bad, why would you not consider him moving in with his dad if that's a possibility, so only his household income is considered? You've said that feels disingenuous (but didn't say it wasn't possible, so not sure if it's an option?) but surely no more disingenuous than claiming your partner doesn't financially support you in any way?

I think this financial set up, when you also have a shared child, is really strange. Your son is going to be treated so so differently to his step siblings and his half sibling surely? Because his step dad will fund them all, except him.

I really disagree. When you become a blended family you need to ensure that all of the children are treated equally...

Yes, in some circumstances it would be better off for the lower earner to be a single parent and access UC and all that comes with it. It’s not totally relevant to your situation because your partner has a huge wage. However, if you separate, you’ll have access to UC etc. I cannot imagine your quality of life will be the same. While your partner doesn’t fund your son, you must surely see some benefit from a wage of £140k gross.

£160k? Thats a huge income!