The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

Lock him in the bedroom with an Xbox and tell guests that he's ill and doesn't want to spread it to them.

You'll both be happier. He doesn't want to be social. You don't want him sulking and being a misery guts.

You already know that you shouldn't have to do this OP. A man who loves his wife would not need reminding of any of this

Yikes indeed! Why do some women put up with this shit?! If my DH didn't buy presents for his family, then they wouldn't get any. Not my problem.And if he cba to buy me anything, then I'd take my presents for him back and spend the money on myself.

I think op is getting very harsh treatment here. All these accusations of being a martyr and enabling her dh. She wouldn’t have to be doing that if her dh wasn’t such a knobhead! Don’t blame her! Blame him!

Also, it’s so easy to say “just stop doing it”! Women who organise Christmas aren’t usually doing it for their husbands, or themselves, they are doing it for their children, and extended family like elderly parents and in-laws who can’t do it for themselves. Op wants support with that.

Op I don’t know what to suggest but maybe you could take your dp out on neutral territory to a quiet public place, order some drinks, and then very calmly but forcefully tell him that his behaviour is causing you massive stress, how his selfishness is affecting you and the family, and if he can’t behave decently for two days of the year when you need him, then could he book himself in to a premier inn and stay away and stop dragging everyone else down because you have reached the end of your rope? And that seriously you may ask him to stay away if this continues.

It’s not a “man thing” 🙄🙄. Dh is far better at presents than I am has planned our pre Christmas trip and is a fab host.

You might as well just book him a solo trip away and do it all yourself without him being a dick in the background. If you're happy doing all the work but not with his behaviour just book him a hotel somewhere far enough away in a big city with good cinemas.

It’s not a man thing. My DB has gone to Westfield this week with his 14 month old son to buy presents and food and will cook Christmas dinner at my DP’s house as they’re hosting it this year. I’m cooking Christmas Eve dinner at DP’s only because it’s easier rather than schlepping between houses. DP in the past has shared shopping buying and some cooking at Christmas at his in-laws along with help of his BIL.

@ginasevern No, it's a shit-man thing. Decent men are not at all like this. Decent men share the load without being asked and yes, this is the norm, believe it or not

I do it & he doesn't wrap them (I don't any more, either). It's fine, it means I get what I want. He did surprise me one year with an expensive gift which was exactly what I wanted & couldn't justify buying - & he'd gone to some trouble to get it. That lets him off for evermore.😁

I guess it's one of those situations where if you always do the same thing, you can expect the same results. So I'd change what I do. I wouldn't read the riot act, would just sit him down and calmly explain how his behaviour is noticed by others and affects them and spoils their fun. Explain how childish and embarrassing it is for you. I would ask him to have a think about what expects the end result of this would be. I'd then explain that he is likely to get comments from me as per the above post as I wouldn't be covering for him any longer. I'd then leave him to think things over. I wouldn't give myself any presents "from him" so I would visibly get nothing. I'd also return/refund anything decent I'd got him since it isn't going to make him happy anyway. After that I'd largely ignore him for most of the festive season and leave him to his own devices. I might also hand him the gifts for his family along with wrapping paper and sellotape and tell him to get on with it.

Next year, I would do things completely differently. If I had young children then I'd arrange to take them away for Christmas/Boxing day to any relatives who would be willing to host, staying in a nearby B&B/hotel if necessary. I wouldn't invite him or expect him to come. If he decided to come, he'd have to make his own arrangements. I wouldn't arrange to do anything for his family as he can be responsible for that and I would let him know that I wasn't doing it.
If there weren't any young children around, I would either book a nice pub lunch for myself and any friends/relatives/adult children who want to join in and take ourselves off for the day or even book a trip away with "the girls" etc. I wouldn't include him in any plans at all.

Time to leave the joy sponge at home, stop being a doormat and make Christmas fun for you!

To the poster who said 'It's a man thing', I echo the others who said, no it's not. Mine has bought and wrapped his presents, bought the bubbly and the wine, and will cook the Christmas dinner, including his home-made sticky toffee pudding for dessert. I will do the washing up.

@LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa I have a DD with ASD and she's the exact opposite! She never stops smiling at Christmas and always says thank you, never stops smiling and is super friendly.
Yes, diagnosed autistic.

Every person with autism is different. Please don't paint them all as anti-social as it's just not always the case, it really isn't.

Fuck me, what a waste of effort. I swear, the bar is so low for men they need to be careful not to trip over it.

Here I was giving myself a hard time over forgetting to put a child’s name in a class card on top of managing my own house/gifts/guests/full-on job and yet there’s men out there who have to be reminded not to act dejected at their own family Christmas someone else organised on their behalf.

No advice OP. Fuck the patriarchy though.

Genuinely, stop covering for him. Let everyone see what a dick he is or tell him to leave. In future don't buy any of his family anything, just wait till they're there and ask him where their gifts are.
This makes me so angry reading it!You have to buy your own presents for him to give to you!? I hope to god he is less miserable the rest of the year!

It's also so depressing the way OP describes this as "the annual ritual". Imagine that misery year on year. Just why would you put up with that, the mind boggles 🤯

Why do you have to work hard on him for the two days ?
The day when you are with HIS family just ignore any misery from him and let his family see what an arsehole he is

Why are you buying presents and hosting his family for him?

Send him on holiday each year as his Christmas present and enjoy yourselves together as a family!!
Seriously he should make some effort!

Get rid of him, he sounds immature and useless.

Does he agree with hosting the two sets of parents or is that your choice overriding his wishes ?

Why?!

I hate Xmas, have no desire to buy or receive gifts and do not want to be “corralled” into doing so for anybody, family or not.

Luckily I’m married to someone that feels the same.

Everyone else is free to do what they want, but I haven’t bent to the rule of “family expectations” or “insta-worthy” xmases in 20 years. Leave the man alone.

Bollocks that it's a man thing. It's a married to an arsehole thing.......My DH happily rolls his sleeves up and shares the load...... because he's not a twat.

Feel sorry for you though. Why did you set the bar so low??

@DBD1975 what were his Christmases like as a child?

My grown sons enjoyed magical Christmas every year. So they all make lots of effort every Christmas for their own children.

My husband isn't great with presents but does try. However, he cooks up a storm. Christmas cake, mince pies, terrines, game pies, salmon mousse. He makes for all three families.
He'll Cook the turkey and trimmings too.

House decorating and wrapping is a foreign country.

It really does depend I think on how they felt about Christmas as a child.

Ask yourself who you’re trying to kid with this charade… Is anyone buying it?
Also why is his Dad is sheltered accommodation? Is it because he’s been a prick and pushed his entire family away through utter selfishness, by any chance?

STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND COVERING FOR HIM.

Time to meet him with the exact same energy and stop
giving him the impression you’re grateful he’s alive and breathing in your home.

Get him the same present and put in the same amount of effort as he does for you.

Nothing under the tree? Oh well…
Nothing for the kids? “Forget to buy anything.”
When he bitches about it, tell him it’s because he doesn’t “do” Christmas, so you’re not bothering him with it. You’re just keeping it for those who enjoy it. Tell him to fuck off out of your way so you and your family can have fun and open presents without the moping. Do the dinner and don’t invite him down.

How would he react if you compassionately acknowledged his clear discomfort of being involved with any Christmas activity and show him the local cheap hotel you’ve found him to retreat to for the couple of days?
Would he take you upon the offer to understand the unsubtle message?