The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

"Demand avoidance" https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/demand-avoidance#What%20is%20demand%20avoidance?

It's exhausting sometimes.

You think this is "men"?! No, this is specifically the man you chose to marry. Plenty of other men are not remotely like this.

Yes - my DH also put up our tree this year and does all food shopping and cooking for Xmas plus orders all dc’s gifts which we wrap together & I then organise all the smaller stocking filler items.

also wondering if your partner is neurodivergent? Otherwise I would be having serious words with him and not enabling any of that behaviour.

I don’t know why you bother

Don’t buy yourself gifts for him to give you. Let everyone see he doesn’t bother about you. Maybe he will start in future if you aren’t covering for him.

Don’t bother giving him the lecture on behaving. He is a grown man and deliberately behaves like this because he can. You lecturing him won’t change that. Its his contribution so let him make an ass of himself and let everyone see he’s as ass.

Don’t buy gifts he should be buying. Put from you on the label, so he’s not getting credit.

Don’t run round after him. Just feed your guests and ignore him if he isn’t joining in. You can’t make an adult enjoy himself.

You won’t of course…but if you like playing the martyr, encouraging and enabling this man child , then I don’t understand what you’re expecting?
You can’t change a person. He has shown you who he is but you let everyone else think he is a different him by doing for him what he should be doing for you and others. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic

Personally, I’d cancel Christmas…or I’d cancel him and have Christmas but you do you

It doesn't, it sounds much more like autism - and I say that as someone with autism. Being out of routine and having a big change in diet, atmosphere etc. can be incredibly stressful for us.

Honestly what advice or suggestions are there? I wouldn’t be married to someone who is, fundamentally, incapable of being kind and pleasant. You’ve said you’re not contemplating ending the relationship so you’ve basically already chosen to put up with this.

Does your annual reading of the riot act work, albeit temporarily? If so, that’s your solution. You can prompt him to act like a nice person for a couple of days a year by doing that.

If you’re asking for advice on how to change his fundamental character from ‘moody dickhead who doesn’t care about others’ into ‘decent person who knows how to behave and respect people’, then the answer is you can’t. That’s who he is. He won’t change.

Indeed. I even refuse to do the things I decide to do!

Frankly if you want to stay with him, then you have to put up with it! Rather you than me. Couldn’t be dealing with pandering to a miserable twat.

Have you ever had a discussion about how you each WANT to spend Christmas? About what you BOTH want and need from the holiday? Does he want to host people?

I can’t tell from your post whether he is one of those entitled men who expects every one to run around while he relaxes and bristles at being asked to do his share while enjoying the fruits of others labours OR whether he has literally just been given no choice in how he spends Christmas and is being strong armed into a situation he didn’t choose.

Obviously,if you have kids, then shopping and wrapping are a must but have you ever discussed and agreed expectations in this area? Do you go big on gifts or are you modest? Is it important that everything is perfectly wrapped and colour coordinated or not?

I grew up with a mother who went completely overboard on Christmas and every year would end in some massive emotional, sometimes violent outburst about how nobody ever appreciated her effort along with my dad stressed as fuck about finances.
The truth is that we all would have been much, much happier with a smaller, quieter, more modest, restful Christmas where we could relax and have a nice time - one with less expectation, demand, rushing about, tension and stress. To this day Christmas makes me nervous for this reason.

Next year go on strike and say he takes you both away for it.

This is a situation of your own making. You can't facilitate his bad/lazy behaviour every year by martyring yourself and then complain. Either stop doing it or accept this is your choice.

Tell it like it IS girl! 🤣😅😂

Thank you to everyone for your comments.
I was hoping for some funny lightheaded responses as posted this somewhat tongue in cheek!
Some responses a little over the top, apologies for not posting sooner but been away for a lovely long weekend with my DP which was amazing and has got us both in the Christmas spirit.
We have been together many years and, as in all relationships it is given and taken, learning to accept each other, faults and all
I am not perfect, neither is my partner but together we work, we are very fortunate and I count my blessings.
Wishing you all a very happy Christmas 🎄.

You need to work on your "light hearted" and "tongue in cheek" tone as this was very much not written in such a way. And now you say he's all lovely and feeling Christmassy?!

Oh well see you next year OP 😂

Point taken! Thanks for the feedback.
The level of vitriol surprised me, I wasn't trying to bring anyone down.
Don't think I said all lovely and Christmassy we just had a lovely time whilst we were away and fortunately it has continued now we are home.
Very relaxed, I am well prepared, not stressing over anything, enjoying today and looking forward to the next few days.
We are very fortunate and I count my blessings.

Possibly not, I am not sure Mumsnet is the place for me, people get very upset and go full on nuclear over the most minor of things!
I gave up reading the responses to my post as the majority were so hideous.
Probably the same people I have seen basically coming to blows in my local supermarket, seriously, it has been quite distressing watching couples argue over a turkey.
I think Mumsnet is an outlet for some very bitter and unhappy people, it is not my tribe.

It's OK, OP - we all believe that it was just a bit of fun and everything's hunky dory with your festive fun DH and you're far too happy to stoop to mumsnet again. Merry Christmas!

"I think Mumsnet is an outlet for some very bitter and unhappy people"

And you're definitely coming across as one of them.

What an odd turn around from the original post

The bar is truly on the floor. You keep counting your blessings and enjoy Christmas with your joy-sucking, whiny, eye-rolling partner.

Did you edit your original post OP?

Dump him.

Lovely post, many thanks. Glad to hear the good news.
Wishing a Merry Christmas to you and yours.