The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

YABU for being a martyr.

Maybe don't treat him like a child

I assume he's unable to work or drive a car or operate a phone or anything, if he's unable to buy a present and wrap it.....
What would happen if you sent him the link to what you wanted and said you wanted it wrapped, out of curiosity?

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but it makes my piss boil every time I read that the woman has been doing all of the organising for Christmas (cards, presents even those for herself, foods, hosting, you name it). Stop. Doing. That. Shit! Defo do the presents for the kids and treat yourself, but stop dealing with the in-laws and their presents/hosting/inviting etc. Stop doing all the decorating, buying, cooking, organising... Tell your DP "this is your to-do list, this is mine". If they don't do their half, no one will do it for them. I know you'll live with the (shitty) consequences too for a year, but this cycle will never end if you don't stop doing all the sgit yourself.

This.

Why be with a juvenile jackass? The mind reels.

Totally agree with this , how can you possibly find the qualities you’ve described attractive in a mate ? As for buying and wrapping gifts from him for yourself why bother ?

What is more depressing is when your DH fails to buy the Christmas/birthday presents for his own family nearly every time and all his family blame ME even when I remind them it’s about the only job I don’t do at Christmas.

It sounds like he doesn't want to host and is thinking either (1) YOU are the one who decided to host/wants to host, so you should do most of the work and he's justified in either grumping or basically being a guest, depending on his mood. Or (2) he really doesn't want people over at all, and perhaps wants to make it difficult so you'll stop inviting people for Christmas?

If he HAS agreed that you (plural) should have people over for Christmas and he's agreed to the guest list, then something odd is going on and the best way to get to there bottom of it is an open discussion. Did you discuss it immediately after he was weird last year? If so, can you refer back to that convo to remind him that there were issues last year and a repeat will result in inconvenience/ unpleasantness for him? If he can't communicate clearly and/or can't put on a company face and act welcoming even if he's feeling off, then your best hope is to make it significantly easier and more pleasant for him to participate and do his share than not. (You shouldn't have to do that with another adult, but sometimes you get a dud or whatever reason.)

Also, if he's sulking and is an insufferable host/guest, it's is NOT your responsibility to make up for it. I'd go as far as calling him a scrooge or the grinch in front of everyone every time he huffs and puffs. You do not have to make up for his shortcomings.

Fair enough if people take themselves off but if he's sitting there as a gloomy presence in a corner, not participating like mad-it's more difficult.

I’d go so far as to book a trip away to not be around you.

Which law says he has to like/engage in Xmas?

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.
It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Why are his feelings about Xmas less valid than yours, OP? Sounds like you’re forcing him into it and then surprised when he doesn’t behave as you desire.

What do you grin and bear for him?

YABU as you have enabled him to behave like this by doing everything for him.
People who are treated like children act like children.

You say 'don't tell me to break up with him' but honestly a man that let me lift and lay while rolling his eyes at the suggestion of doing any of the work himself (at any time of year!) while needing reminding, apparently annually, not to be a rude prick to my family or other guests, isn't someone I could see myself in a long term relationship with.

Hope he's a great fuck and a generous provider OP because otherwise I don't really see what you're getting out of the relationship.

I hate Christmas.
i hate everything about it, always have.
But I’ve never let that impact on anyone else. I buy a ton of presents, wrap the bloody things then paint a smile on my face. And for 24-48 hours I act my socks off being cheerful / grateful/ appreciative to everyone present. Then when I’m back home on my own I have a big cry and life carries on.
Your husband is an adult. Christmas happens every year, not like it’s a surprise. He should have developed strategies as per above to get through it. Tell him to grow up.

What a catch. I bet you have to stop yourself from ripping his clothes off and shagging him right under the tree as he sits there with a face like a smacked arse. And I’m sure it’s not just Christmas. I bet life is non-stop adventure and fun with this prince.

He sounds like he needs to have a shed with a kettle in it like in "Last of the Summer Wine".

Not everyone likes christmas ,not everyone likes having their home invaded by lots of people while they are forced to participate and plaster on a smile. If you do fine but you can force anybody else too.

Good question. Sadly I haven't got the answer.

I bet most wives are over the moon when their husband reaches the staying in the shed most of the time stage 😆

I don't understand how you find him in the least attractive. But as you say you don't want to hear LTB, I have no advice.

What a miserable, selfish prick.

Nailed it! First post nailed it again.

My advice, let your family see him for the petulant teenager that he really is. Stop trying to cover for him. He clearly doesn't want to be involved so stop making him be involved. They'll ask questions for sure but you simply reply with the information that you've provided to us here - you bought your own presents as a pretend thing that he actually got up off his arse, put a bit of thought into getting you a gift, wrapped it and gave it to you, that you have had to cover for him all these years (I'm guessing that this isn't a single once off occurrence) and you've said "Fuck it. Enough is enough" and you've made a conscious decision to stop doing it.

Like @GinForBreakfast said, it's your decision at the end of the day.

This. I hate how people are forced/expected to be sociable at Christmas just because ‘that’s what people do’. We stopped hosting a long time ago, stoped buying gifts for extended family. We do visit people during the run up to Christmas but Christmas Day is stress free family time in our own home being ourselves and not pretending to be happy and nice to everyone.

If your DH isn’t into Christmas then that’s fine, if he doesn’t want to put effort into buying gifts then don’t buy his family gifts (he can tell them why he hasn’t bothered). Yes it’s annoying that women tend to be the ones that out all the work in but then that’s because we enjoy it more than men do and we also stress over it more. Do what you feel you need too but don’t moan at him for not being ‘into it’.

Scale it right back to the bits you truly love so much, you don't mind doing them without help.

I wouldn't host or scale that down to a mine pie and cuppa festive drop in.

He sounds awful to me but I think the main issue here is your Christmas and his Christmas is completely incompatible. You want the full festive song and dance. He literally wants to hide and is being shitty to try and facilitate his type of Christmas. Which is to be left alone.

You can't make him love and participate in Christmas. He obviously can't be like this the other 11 months of year else you wouldn't be asking for non LTB advice.

You knew what he was like within the first few Christmas's of being together? He isn't going to change. So either you can with how much work you do or accept its all on you.