The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

He sounds awful, you know it and you are ashamed for putting up with it. You are making him look like a person he's not because you think everyone will judge you for staying with such a shit.

There really isn't much anyone can say to help. You can't change a person.

How many in-laws are there? Is the elderly DF in sheltered accommodation yours? Make DH sort out in-laws

Why are you with him? Why do you stay? You facilitate and enable this..it's not an equal, respectful partnership....why bother with reading the riot act ? It doesn't work. Why not split up and next year you won't have do to the annual reading of the riot act

I don’t know why you seem so cheerful and jolly About it. Anyone who was rude to my family like this would be toast. It’s unforgivable behaviour in my book.

It's too late this year I suppose, but from next year onwards I'd tell him he needs to disappear for the Christmas month.

He clearly hates it all so much, so let him go be by himself - perhaps a cheap airbnb rental?

And he can return on Dec 27th? Or is he an arsehole over new year too? If so, an extended stay until early Jan might be best.

Same! Blow my mind that women accept these appallingly low standards in men 😩

Can you not leave him at home and just spend it elsewhere?

Or could your present to him be a couple of days in the premier inn until after you’ve hosted? Say he’s ill.

I’m absolutely serious BTW no way would I be putting up with this.

My ex husband was like this, every xmas a misery guts who made it horrible for everyone so the next year me and DS spent the whole xmas at my sisters. And every year after that. He had the gall to tell us we were selfish and he didn't have a xmas. Tough luck mate, we had a great time. I didn't bother to get him any presents or food either because he did none of those things for me.
There are consequences for bad behaviour in my house.

If you can't put him in the garage, I suggest you don't wrap your own presents or in-laws presents this year. He can if he wants, but if he doesn't - it's on him.

Otherwise ignore him on Christmas day, other than to put dinner in front of him.

In future, he can buy presents for his family, and if he doesn't - its on him again.

What will happen is one day she will snap and divorce him. And everybody will call her a see you next Tuesday behind her back because they won’t believe that she left such a lovely guy.

Seriously op
What are you getting from this relationship?
It's so sad that he doesn't even bother to get you a gift .
I honestly don't know what the point of having someone in your life is if they make absolutely no effort towards your life especially if they are meant to be your partner.
Life's too short for a relationship that doesn't involve any affection or consideration for one party.

You could tell him you've volunteered him at a homeless charity / soup kitchen or similar so he wakes the fuck up to just how lucky [and pampered] he is.

Agreed.

I don't think you can do that, as a member of a family. Why have a family and behave so badly?

Get Christmas out of the way and divorce him. Life is too fucking short to deal with a sulky man baby.

To be completely honest, he sounds pathetic and you sound hard work. Why force him to join in? If YOU want a big social christmas, great! Instead of your “usual chat” just tell him to bog off to the garage or wherever so that he doesn’t bring everyone down. If you don’t enjoy it either, tell him next year Christmas is off.

I don’t understand why him (you?) having an elderly DF in sheltered accommodation means you have to put on a Christmas that he’s not into.

Is this a bigger issue - that he does none of the work involved in maintaining relationships with wider family or the emotional labour in your relationship ( making days special for the two of you, small acts of love, telling you you’re special, etc.) - or is it just Christmas?

If the former, I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship as that sounds like he’s just freeloading. But if it’s just Christmas and he gets overwhelmed I think you need to really think about why you are forcing him into a situation he finds horrible every year. There are lots of different ways to do Christmas.

Of course you can if you’re just spoiling it for everyone else.

Stop doing so much for him.

I would not get into a habit of buying cards and presents for my DH's side of the family.

He often leaves it to the last minute and they are sometimes not the most thoughtful gifts, or they're late, but I won't do it for him.

If he didn't do it, it wouldn't happen, and I guess there would be natural consequences of that.

Not because I don't love him but just because he's an adult.

I always used to buy presents for my ex's family from both of us (when I was younger and maybe a bit more naive!), because I knew he wouldn't bother or would do something rubbish.

When we separated after over a decade, they were pretty surprised when they stopped getting presents and now hardly ever see him, and realised I was doing it all along.

Eventually they'll work it out. Stop doing it for him.

It must be soul destroying to have to put up with that - what is his reason for this?
Also don't wrap presents for him to give you, that is just ridiculous - personally I would open the presents saying 'these are the things I bought for myself!'

Yes.
Honestly, I just couldn't put up with this, nor would I martyr myself over it. If he hasn't bought anything for anyone, that's his issue. I wouldn't bother getting him anything, I wouldn't invite people over if I wasn't happy to host them solo, and I'd go out for dinner.

I really dont think you're reasonable to complain when you're facilitating this behaviour. He's am adult. Presumably he can do other things for himself?

My husband loves Christmas. He loves choosing presents and wrapping and cooking. Even if he didn’t, he would make an effort because he knows I enjoy it. Because that’s what marriage is all about, teamwork.

why on earth are you standards so low that you put up with this?

I sort of think YABU. If he struggles with the chaos and the MASSIVE change ot routine then why don't you try to accommodate his dislike?

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them

Stop doing this. He should be buying presents for his in-laws and wrapping them and as for you having to buy your own presents for him to give you fuck that.
I would buy something for myself for Christmas for me to give myself, not buy something fo someone else to give me who obviously doesn't care enough to buy something for me themselves.

I wouldn't be telling him how he has to behave, be sociable etc. That's on him. If he wants to look like a moody arse in front of guests that's his problem. I'd just ignore any behaviour like that.