The annual Christmas ritual of reading DP the riot act

[DBD1975]

Looking for any tips or advice following on from the why do men steal all of the joy out of everything.

My family Christmas day, in-laws Boxing day. Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

So far I have done everything for Christmas including buying my own presents for DP to give me and buying all the presents for in-laws and I will also be wrapping them.

DP has done s** all other than moan, sulk and act like a petulant teenager.

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lack lustre/bar humbug.

It is more the upset in his routine which he finds hard to cope with, not to mention the chaos which comes with Christmas.

Any tips or advice gratefully received. Please note I have no intention of splitting up with him for those who will go nuclear over the situation.

Is there any part of you that deep down likes that he’s so useless (at Christmas- don’t know what he’s like day to day tbf) ? Does it make you feel needed? I don’t mean that to sound mean btw, I just don’t get why else you’d put up with a partner who’s basically an overgrown child and needs reminding to be nice to your family. And buy your own presents.

I have a teenage son who’s got both ASD and ADHD, a learning delay and is young for his age, and this:

Just about to have the annual talk about don't make Christmas day weird or awkward by having to prompt you to be a courteous host, don't roll your eyes every time I ask you to help with something. Be sociable, join in and make an effort.

is almost exactly the run through of what I tell him to do in preparation for social gatherings. Less so as he’s getting older thankfully but he needs reminding. Socialising is hard for some people but I’d hope an adult who doesn’t have issues like my son does wouldn’t need reminding to not be a rude bugger.

100%! Just stop doing it!

If you're not going to split up with him then surely you have to work with what you have? No point nagging him to do stuff he clearly hates. Let him go out for a long walk or hide upstairs and avoid as much of it as possible. And just don't exchange presents with him if you resent having to buy your own, me and my husband don't.

I also have that model; he's perfectly pleasant around people on his wavelength, but struggles with small talk and general social interaction around others - especially forced family occasions. I worked out years ago nothing I say will make any difference, it's just the way he is. It's annoying, but his good points definitely outweigh the bad - and as a couple we get on. It's all about weighing up the good versus the bad.

@DBD1975
Are you living with the Grinch?
He sounds a waste of space. What is the point of him being in your life? Does he bring you and joy?

Sounds like you've got a keeper there!

Stop martyring yourself..he doesn't like Christmas. Just stop and leave him at home. Stop with gifts and just focus on being around people who do like it.

You've said you will have to wrap the presents for the in laws but then 'only has elderly DF in sheltered accommodation'. So how many in laws are we actually dealing with?

If just the father, I'd wrap his. If others, I would ask him to do it. Then if it doesn't happened on the day I'd be saying to them, 'well, buying was my job, the wrapping was his, so this is how they come' 🫠

The presents you've bought for yourself I'd sign from Santa or whatever, certainly not your partner.

You're enabling all this, so I'd stop.

Mine is normally a total arse too, but this year, after much asking I finally lost my shit with him and told him in no uncertain terms he would be buying my gifts, wrapping them and buying his side of the family cards and posting them. He is also tasked with buying the refreshments and deserts for 3 days. I will not intervene with this and will totally suck it up if he doesn't buy what I would normally buy. As a prev poster said. It is weaponised incompetence. And I am FINALLY done with it. I would rather be alone than look after someone who says things like they won't make the bed because they can't make it like I do.

I agree, I hate the its a man thing, oh its just what men do etc. no its what useless men do! There are lots of perfectly capable adults that act like partners and dont expect their having a penis means they are completely incapable.

OP im not sure what tips you are after here, the man sounds useless. Stop doing the extra work and let him get on with acting like a petulant child, how on earth you find that remotely attractive and even want to stay with him is a bizarre thing in itself, but if thats what you want, at least stop giving yourself the extra work of doing what should be his jobs (buying and wrapping your gifts and ones for his family) and stop thinking you have to parent him telling him what to do and how to behave. Maybe if everyone sees what he is like, a few comments from them may give him a kick up the butt.

I can imagine Christmas must feel like nothing but work and hassle being with someone like that, zaps any enjoyment out of it.

All of this

If this is what he's like, and he's shit on Christmas, and you are overall happy, I'd stop trying to change him. But I would not cover for him and I would be lowering everyone else's expectations etc.

So, for a start, I'd be ditching celebrations with in laws and/or massively downgrading them, "Oh, you know DH, he doesn't realyl care about Christmas and I'm exhausted from all the effort so we're dialling it back a bit"

'Oh MIL - I'm glad you like those slippers - needless to say, DH hasn't got involved in the gift buying at ALL. You know what he's like.... sigh/hahaha".

"Hi mum and dad - right, Dad, you're in charge of topping everyone's drinks up. YOu know what DH is like - we can't rely on him to get it sorted so I need your help this year."

Depends what he's like the rest of the year, OP.
My DH really dislikes Christmas. He hates the chaos and the noise, the decorations extra clutter around the house, the chintzy music, the artificial happiness, the commercialism, the one-upmanship... it's all his worst things rolled into one, and he just wants to opt out of the whole thing. (We both suspect he is ND but that might be beside the point.) But he's generally pretty decent.
So, things that are important to me or the DC, I take care of. I buy presents for myself and the DC. DH is genuinely not fussed about a present, so I don't usually get him one. I buy (or get down from the loft) the decorations and the tree, although we decorate the tree as a family. I do the grocery shop. He enjoys cooking so we both cook. We have a small, pared down Christmas day, just the 4 of us, consisting of church, presents, a nice meal, and a long walk. We see in-laws either side of Christmas, but I don't buy presents for his side. He sometimes gets his brother something, but his whole family isn't that fussed about gifts. I buy for my side.
We have other family traditions surrounding Christmas that he enjoys and participates in, e.g. a dawn picnic at the winter solstice.
Honestly I love Christmas now that we've pared it back. I stopped doing everything, and realised that most of it really doesn't matter. I used to feel so much pressure to make Christmas into this massive "thing" but actually, if you let loads of it slide and just hang on to the bits that are really important to you, it makes for a much more meaningful, less stressful experience. And, because DH hasn't been completely overstimulated by all the extra stressor, he's in a better frame of mind and doesn't need reminding to act like a normal human being 😉

I'm afraid it's not a man thing... My DH has never needed me to buy any presents from him for anyone, wrap said presents, tell him to pull his weight with cooking or clearing up etc.

I can’t decide whether to vote reasonable or unreasonable. As he sounds like a nightmare but l don’t know why you are feeding into it with doing all of the Christmas type work

I will end up having to have the extra energy on both days to make up for my DP being so lacklustre/bah humbug.

No you don't 🙄. It's your families, they know him and they know you. You don't have to make it all a perfect show of unity. You can just be yourself, let him be his self, and recognise that you aren't his skivvy.

Or carry on whining and nagging, making yourself miserable. Your choice.

Christ threads like this make me so grateful for my DH. It wouldn’t even occur to him not to split the work/prep with me and always puts thought into gifts for me and his families.
i can’t imagine how happy your DH must make you the rest of the year for you to willingly put up with this shit at Christmas!

'I hate the its a man thing, oh its just what men do etc. no its what useless men do! There are lots of perfectly capable adults that act like partners and dont expect their having a penis means they are completely incapable.'

I hate it too. It's what women with useless husbands tell themselves as a way of pretending that they cannot expect any better of him because 'hes just a man'. It's sexist crap

Yes and No

Fair play to him for stepping up, but women up and down the country are doing all this stuff, so it's not an amazing effort

The day I have to buy my own presents for DH to give to me is the day I have to leave.

As the daughter of someone who did the ‘angry Christmas jobs’ thing, insisting we all had a proper Christmas and doling out jobs no one had any interest in, just stop. No one needs this stuff. If he doesn’t want to get involved in presents, fine. If he doesn’t want to socialise, fine. If you DO want to do these things, do them in a good way but if you don’t then don’t. But to be angry and controlling and make it unpleasant isn’t the point of Christmas. If you want to invite people to your home, be gracious about it. If you don’t but are doing so out of obligation, then stop.

Mine can be like this but I won't tolerate it. Here's what has helped:

Tell him loud and clear in November that you will not be buying or wrapping presents for his family. Mean it.
Don't bother getting presents for one-another at Christmas. We both have birthdays latter quarter of year so not a big sacrifice.
Don't over-extend yourselves socially at Christmas. Keep it to 2 days entertaining max. I do Christmas Day catering and he does Boxing Day.
Clear instructions on the day to all members of family on what they are responsible for - e.g DH does drinks and washing up, DCs replenish and circulate snacks / canapés etc.
Ignore any mood and focus on other family members.

HTH

You buy your own presents and put from DH . WHY?

I think you’ve done that really really well. You’ve kept the bits that are actually important and you are willing to do and dropped everything else. Perfect!