Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

[LaurenOX]

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

I was utterly outraged when I thought you were 4 months post partum, let alone 4 weeks! And you've had a c-section! Recovery time is 6 weeks at least. Your husband should be looking after you, not expecting to live in a spotless house.

But "Have a productive day"? He can fuck off and then fuck off some more. And then keep fucking off til he physically can't fuck off any further.

YES THIS.

But the very fact that this idiot needs reminding about major abdominal surgery yet makes shit pompous comments like "Have a productive day" as he leaves the house makes me so cross on your behalf.

Where did this idea that he's amazing come from? Hazard a guess its self promotion.

The productive part would make me particularly stabby if I was literally producing milk.

This. "Have a productive day" indeed.

Is he the sole financial support of the household? I note that when that is the case, they think they have a live-in maid of all work and the right to order her about.

Tell him if you don't meet his standards, fine...time to get a professional cleaner then. Your DH is being very, very unreasonable.

I am aghast on your behalf. Who made him the boss of you? What an absolute arsehole.

Having read your update, it sounds like your dh hasn't grasped the impact that going from 1 to 2 children has had on you ie major surgery, back to near constant bf-ing plus the care of a new baby.

He probably feels that he is doing loads by doing more with your oldest whereas, in reality, that's the easy bit.

You both need to find a way that is more 'we' ie how we're going to keep the house clean rather than it being your job so by default your problem.

If anything you're doing too much.

Yes you are literally feeding a baby from your own body and he thinks you aren't being productive?? You are the epitome of productive - you created an entire new human being and are now keeping it alive. The more I think about your husband, OP, the more I want to kick him hard.

I think what may have seemed like a 'fair' share 6 weeks ago, before baby arrived, is no longer fair - your workload has increased and his is unchanged. He should be picking up more tasks, just as you have had to.

"Have a productive day" tell him to get fucked!

Welp. He's a dickhead.

You've not even fully recovered from a csection. Is he mental? You had a baby 4 weeks ago. He can fuck off. You really shouldn't be pushing your body too much. Don't listen to him. He obviously doesn't give a shit. You matter more than his anal urge to have a tidy house. That's what he's for, he can clean it while you tend to the babies. Vile man.

Haven't read all posts but certainly get the gist of this thread. I know there are good guys out there who do their share but would be surprised if it's more than one in a hundred 🫤

This reminds me of a friend who had been married for several years and they had 3 school age children. She was doing just about everything on the domestic side and while not feeling very well she asked him to change the bedding as it was overdue.
He didn't know where the clean stuff was and she realised he'd NEVER done it in all their married years. I expect this is very common.

What a totally uncaring shitbag of a man! I had a C-section with my first baby - Discharged from hospital after 5 days (years ago mums were kept in hospital longer) and as soon as I got home it was evident he had done NOTHING in the house! I had to clean the bathroom, wash a weeks worth of pots, do the laundry, and then he had the nerve to demand sex "because I hadn't had a normal delivery and it wouldn't hurt my fanny"! I wish I had walked away that day😡

alternatively, tell him where the door is, and call a locksmith as he is on his way out.

You had a section four weeks ago and he's complaining about the housework you haven't done instead of doing it himself? Tell the nasty fucker to get on with it.

Please please please show him this thread!

There's being useless, or weaponising incompetence or being lazy which do seem to be pretty common going by threads on here but then there is the kind of man who argues with his four week post partum wife about her not doing enough housework (when she's already doing more than is safe or recommended!), criticises her for daring to take her kid on a festive outing and tells her to 'have a productive day'. It's on another level of being a shit human being.

This!

He’s a wanker. I’m 8months and my house still looks like a bombs gone off!

there’s a lot of DH bashing so not going to add to that, only you know if you want to work at it. My productive advice would be
a) has he ever seen a counsellor about his OCD and impact that has on others?
b) has he taken much paternity leave to live in your shoes? Men are now often eligible for same as women.
c) could you use a haakaa pump at night to collect let down milk and then he does an evening bottle feed, to bond with the baby, help reduce cluster feeds (when you’re empty) and to give you some time out: to be with your other child eg just read a bedtime story or cook dinner. We did this at 5pm every day and it really helped.

It’s heartbreaking to read you defending him and calling him ‘amazing’.

He is utterly cruel. There is no other word for a man who actively encourages his wife to damage herself physically after major surgery (to deliver his child) because he wants to come home to a show home.

Perhaps you have convinced yourself this is pretty normal, or within the boundaries of a ‘normal husband irritation’ but please listen to the women on this thread telling you that it isn’t. It’s normal to be treated with basic love and kindness by your husband after giving birth. That’s not some unattainable ideal, it’s normal and basic. What you are experiencing is horrible and upsetting to even read.

I hope you have some support during this very vulnerable time from someone else. You’re clearly not ready to face up to the reality of who your husband is and how little he really cares for you, which is totally understandable. You’re four weeks PP. Please look after yourself and your babies and when you feel strong enough, consider the example that you’re setting for them by describing this viciously unkind and uncaring man as ‘amazing’.

Cluster feeding is normal and it's important to feed more not less at these times to maintain the supply this early on.

4 weeks ago you had major surgery, they cut through your abdominal wall, a significant surgery that takes a long time to recover from. You shouldn't be up mopping floors and vacuuming carpets, or doing laundry or hefting stuff about to tidy up. You need to rest and heal.

We need to start realising that a c-section is a significant medical procedure and needs time to heal. Expecting new mums to be up and running a house, alone all day with a baby (and other children) is unacceptable.

If he wants the house to look better he needs to hire a post-partum doula or house keeper/cleaner/maid to do this stuff so you can focus on healing and feeding your new baby.

Yet another post about a man who doesn’t seem to want to be a parent. Why on Earth are you even asking who’s being unreasonable - it’s clearly him. You’re doing way more housework than most people who’ve just given birth!

Your priority is your children; if he wants a spotless house he should hire a cleaner, do it himself, or frankly, shouldn’t have had children. They come with all sorts of messes, so he’s in for a shock. Nip it in the bud now and get rid.