Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

[LaurenOX]

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

Utter arsehole but you know that

Enjoy your baby! You know what’s best for you and how much you can do. Repeat: “I’m doing what I’m able to, but I just had a baby, and I will be caring for us both ahead of doing any cleaning.”

If my husband came home from work and the house was in a state he was happy cause he knew my main focus had been the kids. I remember the health visitor also pointing out that they rather see a messy house at home visits as it means the kids are being cared for

I think we are both exhausted and the transition of 1-2 has been hard on us both but possibly more so on him if he is struggling to bond with our newest family member.

He's not having it harder than you. He's not lugging a hoover round shortly after major abdominal surgery, risking his recovery and also sustaining a newborn baby. He's just sulking about the baby not liking him (none of us like him either, maybe baby is a good judge of character) and criticising you for not working hard enough when you should be resting.

He needs to fuck right off.

I share the anger 🤬 with posters here, however,
my Grandmother was physically working hard after giving birth, after returning from hospital being cured from hepatitis.. promptly to be taken back.
She survived and lived until ripe age of 94. Also kicked my Grandad out eventually.
Feel shitty now, because it took me 45 years to realise I should have told her how much I admired her.
Ugh, good old times.
OP, honestly, tell him to clean up himself to his standard and fuck the hell off.

100% this. I have a 6 month and 4 year old.

Husband came home on Tuesday to house an absolute tip. He never said a word, just got stuck into cleaning. He always does. Your husband is being abusive to you. And what's with him not wanting you to have fun?!

He had made comments about the baby not liking him

Even more of a twat than I first thought.
4 WEEKS in from major abdominal surgery? FFS.

Also, DH's getting praised for doing a bit of adhoc manly DIY? with a new baby and 4 year old in the house? - as if that is so much more important than regularly loading the dishwasher or putting stuff away.

Perish the thought that you should enjoy a Christmassy day out with your 4 year old, giving them a bit of much needed attention.. No! you should be spraying the oven with Mr Muscle and wiping down the skirting boards so that your DH can have the immaculate dream house to do DIY in.

Sorry for being so sarcastic about your DH, but his attitude stinks and he needs to pull his socks up. It sounds like the kind of crap my MIL used to say to me with newborns. Any effort never enough and said in front of DH to try to influence him. I wish, looking back, I'd stood up for myself better instead of trying to keep the peace.
It sounds like you are sensibly doing a very good job putting your baby and 4 year old needs first and foremost.

Bet you he’ll be expecting sex the minute that 6 weeks is up if not before as well….

absolutely disgusting misogynist waste of space of a man. I’m so sorry OP he sounds despicable.

I had about an easy a recovery from c section as you can get, an easy breastfeeding journey etc - was up about about going out daily with baby and toddler, all great.

I say this because despite having a relatively 'easy ride', I STILL think he's being a complete and utter inconsiderate selfish dick. That's how much of a dick he's being.

It's maternity leave not housekeeper leave.

I'm glad you went to the market, that's the sort of fun thing which you should do during maternity leave, not scrubbing toilets.

I'd be so raging at 'have a productive day'.

How rude of him . . .

We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

Wow. To his wife who just gave birth 4 weeks ago? What a nasty twat.

He is massively resentful of you. For comparison my dh has never in 20 years of marriage made such comments and I'm a SAHM who's dc's are teenagers and 20-somethings now, so plenty of spare time. He doesn't give a rats arse if the house is tidy as long as I'm happy.

Coz he's a nice person.

It’s probably a good thing I’m not married as I would very quickly become very bored with the idea that I existed only to clean the house 😕

He's a fucking prick. At 4 weeks pp ebf with newborn and toddler my house was a TIP and the only person I made any effort to clean it up for was the health visitor (my children were clean, fed and had clean clothes btw!!!!!)

If he isn't happy he needs to do it himself

Oh and dp was working 12 hour night shifts 5 or 6 days a week and on his day(s) off would help me clean the house!
Making up for how he was after DC1 tbf

Can he not take over bath time with the baby then he can have some quality time with them and you can hang out with the older child?

@LaurenOX - you wrote "He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad"

I'll try to break this down for you.
He does his fair share of house work - because he contributes his fair share to creating the house work, be it laundry, vacuuming, doing the dishes, dusting, cooking. He contributes to making the house work so it's only fair that he does the house work too.
He does all DIY - this doesn't mean he should get a medal for doing it. I'm sure there is something in the house that you do 100% of without even batting an eyelash. Think what that might be and there's your equivalent. If he wasn't around you'd either learn yourself or you'd pay someone to do it for you.
He does have a stressful job - So do you. It's called being a full time mother.
He is still very much a hands on dad - Ah, he gets to spend quality time with the kids being a 'Disney' parent, doing the fun stuff while you are released to do the Cinderella stuff, like housework, right? It's never that he is a hands on Dad while you take yourself off to a hotel or spa for the day or down to the pub (whatever his equivalent might be).

So, based on your posts, I really don't think I'd be rolling out the red carpet for him based on his comments to you. I realise it is easy for me to sit behind a keyboard and type this but you have to think is this something that I want to live with, to have said to me, is it acceptable and then you decide what you want next.

Husband is a cunt.

He's a nasty twat. No way will he be sharing his thoughts with anyone else because i think even most macho men would be hard pressed to think it's normal to expect their OH to clean the house with newborn after abdominal surgery.

I hate that this is true. But is your mum and dad around to have a word with him as he clearly can't see sense?

And to really put it into perspective I think most of us would be saying at 4 months post partum your not unreasonable.

At 4 weeks PP, he's being abusive. It's abuse.

Omg OP.

I'd be tempted to change the locks, and leave a bag outside for him!

If you were 4 months pp, you might be unreasonable, or not, depending on what the baby is like. You are 4 weeks pp so your husband is completely unreasonable. At 4 weeks pp you are still under C section medical guidelines and the baby is feeding every couple of hours, which means you are getting very little sleep. Your house sounds quite clean for someone who is 4 weeks pp, it's just not tidy enough for your "neat freak" husband. He is more concerned with satisfying his obsessive need for tidiness than with the health of his wife and therefore I deem him a complete jerk. I know you said he is "amazing" after people pointed out how awful he is being, but IMO the way he is treating a woman who just had major abdominal surgery and is looking after a newborn, is unforgiveable.

That makes him even worse, so awful he should get some sort of prize for being a total pig

You need to remind your husband that you had major abdominal surgery 4 weeks ago and the doctors have instructed you to take things easy. You need to be careful whilst you're healing coz if your scar rips he will have a whole lot of work to do on his hands when you have to start healing from scratch!
And whilst you're at it tell him to stop acting like a knob.

in 38 Years and with 3 kids not once has DH ever ever ever told me to "have a productive day"
Or ciricised the house, or the lack of dinner on bad days, or a single fucking thing i didnt manage to do when i was PP.
I cannot, just CANNOT fathom wtf is wrong with these men.
and how you can even bear to look at him, never mind ask if you are being unreasonable.
You are not being unreasonable enought.
Hes an UTTER shit.
Utterly. Shame on him. Id tell him get to fuck tbh, loudly, while standing in the mess i would henceforth refuse to ever clean up again as long as he lived there.

This is very relevant.
but the thing that stands out from your posts is why you think he's not being a dickhead by making you go against medical advice
maybe it's hard for you to see as he's been this abusive for your whole relationship
I hope you get support irl and can leave