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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

264 replies

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 19/12/2024 11:20

Your husband is a bloody disgrace. Shame on him, he needs to give his head a firm wobble.

You are just 4 weeks pp, you are doing magnificently. Your job is to keep baby thriving and recover from birth. A conversation is needed to set expectations going forward, don’t let this carry on unaddressed otherwise it could cast a dark shadow over your first months with your baby that you may struggle to forgive and move on from.

pointythings · 19/12/2024 11:20

Rip him a new one. He is a complete arsehole.

Original poster
LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 19/12/2024 11:20

Have a productive day 😡
Wow! I'd love to see how much he gets done with a newborn attached to him and a toddler. Sweet FA.

WinterPine · 19/12/2024 11:21

Irrelevant 4 weeks or 4 months he's being awful to you! Was he like this with your first?!

oatmilk4breakfast · 19/12/2024 11:21

He's jealous of you. He thinks your place is to make his home life easier. He is resentful of the fact that you 'get to go to the fair' (Christmas market). He seems to have no appreciation of what it feels like to give birth and have a huge surgical wound to recover from. In short, he's being a dickhead. I would take my kids and go and stay with my mum if my husband started being this nasty. Sorry.

FrenchandSaunders · 19/12/2024 11:21

I'd be very hurt OP. Have a proper conversation with him this evening. It may be that you're both tired and stressed with a newborn, if it's out of character.

TheSmallAssassin · 19/12/2024 11:22

The "fair share" when you are four weeks post partum should be tipped much further in his direction!

Marblesbackagain · 19/12/2024 11:22

In Irish law there's a period of time where murder isn't possible because you are deemed as 'unbalanced' just saying.....

Maray1967 · 19/12/2024 11:22

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/12/2024 11:14

Your husband is being an arsehole.

Yes, this sums it up well. I can’t imagine my DH saying ‘have a productive day’. But if he did, I’d spend some time while bf baby considering our future. As a practical step, he would find his laundry left in the basket. And he would be told that if he ever says anything like that to me again, it will go in the bin. You need to find your voice now and give him hell.

climb12sides · 19/12/2024 11:23

It doesn't matter if he does a fair amount around the house, you are recovering from abdominal surgery and are not even allowed to drive - why the hell does he think that housework is an acceptable activity to be doing? You should be doing less than you are, you're risking doing yourself permanent damage

CowGirl19 · 19/12/2024 11:24

You had major abdominal surgery 4 WEEKS ago. Let alone the demands of a newborn baby.
Be kind to yourself OP
Your husband needs to seriously adjust his expectations.

pointythings · 19/12/2024 11:24

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

It doesn't matter that he does things. You are 4 weeks pp, so he needs to either drop his standards, pay for a cleaner, or do it himself. Time to lay down the law.

oatmilk4breakfast · 19/12/2024 11:24

And you have every right to go out and get fresh air and take your toddler to fun places. That's the point! You're doing what a good mother does. I'm so angry on your behalf. Don't tolerate it. "You seem angry with me for doing what it takes to keep our baby and myself alive and healthy"

Maray1967 · 19/12/2024 11:24

Don’t get hurt, get angry. If he’s normally a decent bloke, he needs a burst of anger in his direction and a warning. He is totally out of order. And yes, we all know that couldn’t get much done if he was in your position.

climb12sides · 19/12/2024 11:24

Genuinely - I don't think you should be doing hoovering or mopping g - it's a lot of effort on your stomach muscles and you could rupture your newly forming scar

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/12/2024 11:25

Ask him to imagine being sliced open, a tiny, totally dependent creature being removed from his innards which he then has to take complete care of whilst trying to heal from the abdominal surgery. Ask how much he'd feel capable of under those circumstances.

If CS was such a breeze, women would be allowed to drive immediately afterwards.

Maray1967 · 19/12/2024 11:26

Yes, I missed the cs bit. I had a cs with DS2 - mw said no hoovering etc for 6 weeks. Get him told.

flyinghen · 19/12/2024 11:26

He's being a twat and needs to fucking sort it himself if he's that bothered. At 4 weeks pp with both mine my house was a disgrace and it didn't matter one single bit I was taking care of my babies. My husband was trying his best to keep on top of stuff and a full time job. The house slowly and gradually got back to normal when the babies got bigger. He's truly being an asshole and needs to be told as such.

YANBU

Starlightstarbright4 · 19/12/2024 11:27

Tell him to go fuck himself .

PickledElectricity · 19/12/2024 11:27

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

When I was pp I told DP that I was going on strike for the 4th trimester and he was responsible for all cleaning, cooking, feeding and watering of the whole family. He was bemused at first but I pointed out that I normally did the lion's share and it was only fair he stepped up for 3 short months.

Anyway he was in shock at the amount of stuff that needed doing. He got into his own little routine and started with dusting the skirting boards for some reason

OrangeSlices998 · 19/12/2024 11:28

4 weeks after abdominal surgery and he’s got the audacity to expect anything more than the load you’re already doing? Hire a cleaner then mate, you’re on maternity leave not a new career as a fucking housekeeper

Superscientist · 19/12/2024 11:28

My partner worked full time and did all the house work and did all of the cooking and a good chunk of the washing (we did cloth nappies) and the nappy changes.
I did online food shops some of the washing.
I had pnd and there were days where the only thing could manage was feeding the baby and changing the nappies absolutely everything else was done by my partner without complaint.
I was probably 14 months post partum before I could make any significant contribution to the housework around the same time I went back to work after mat leave then sick leave.
I have never felt so utterly loved.

He should be ashamed and I would be having a conversation about expectations. You deserve better

Eyresandgraces · 19/12/2024 11:28

Until your 6 weeks pp you should be taking it easy.
You’ve had major abdominal surgery.
I don’t care how hands on your dh is his attitude stinks.
I’m sorry but you’re married to a twat!

TillyTrifle · 19/12/2024 11:29

Pack a bag and go to your parents if possible to get some care from someone who actually loves you, leaving a note telling him you’ve had a very productive day, generating milk and keeping a newborn baby nourished and alive, while also attempting to recover a little further from major abdominal surgery. Also that you’re so appalled and hurt by his disgusting attitude towards you at your most vulnerable time, that you are seriously considering leaving him on a permanent basis.

He sounds absolutely horrible, sorry OP.