Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

[LaurenOX]

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

Oh OP, you should be resting not cleaning and tidying away. You’re recovering from a major surgery AND caring for and feeding a newborn.

I’m sorry but your husband is a total wanker. Show him this thread!

Your DH should see our house, - he would get a heart attack, LOL.
Once we give birth and stay at home, many men think that we miraculously transform into 24/7 maidservant/cleaner. They think that since we stopped going to work, it is our duty to keep the house spotless, notwithstanding the reason we are at home. Some men also think that since we do not go to the office, we have no right to go out at all. It's all just about controlling you really, nothing to do with the mess.

I would apologise for the house being so cluttered, and offer to do a proper de-clutter at the weekend whilst he takes on exclusive breast feeding duties for the day.

Just watch his face as he ponders his useless nipples, and realises he can perfectly easily keep the house tidier if it’s so bothersome for him.

You are 4 weeks post major abdominal surgery! Other reasons for abdominal surgery require being signed off work and a recuperation period with uninterrupted nights sleep and no newborn to look after.

He is being extremely unreasonable. Even without only being 4 weeks pp, he would still be unreasonable. There are 2 small children being looked after in the house. There will be evidence of that!

Oh my god what a dreadful, unsupportive man you have saddled yourself with ..
I'm so sorry he is your husband.
I can well imagine the type of man he is
Poor you

OP IU'm sure all the vitriol towards your DH is probably making you feel defensive because, as you say, he IS stepping up and doing more.

But, the thing is that he is being completely unreasonable and his expedctations are hugely out of whack. It sounds to me like he is doing more and taking on additional workloads - good for him. But he doesn't seem to have any realisation that you are ALSO taking on hugely extra workloads. So he thinks you're wafting around doing nothing when actually you're trying to recover from a c-section, breast feeding a newborn which is a relentless, endless task in itself, and looking after 2 children. Basically, he hasn't made the normal adjustment to understanding that during this time, oyou're both doing more, both exhausted and yes, standards have to slip somewhat.

The christmas thing is a classic example and I would very calmly turn around and say, "you're right, that was an enjoyable day out although let's be clear - it's definitely not the same as heading to a christmas market for a few mulled winse and some browsing WITHOUG a BF baby and a toddler to look after. More importantly, I can look after the toddler and the baby, and keep them entertained, while I am at a market with friends. Do you have any idea how much harder it is to look after both children, manage their needs AND do the endless cooking and cleaning and tidying?"

I'd have wanted to gouge his eyes out with a spoon at the "have a productive day" comment. Fucking prick. I don't care how much he does round the house / parenting - he's not the boss of you and needs told.

It's maternity leave, not housework leave. Giving birth to a baby does not also transform you into a housekeeper, fuck that.

I am 4 MONTHS post partum and I've cooked a handful of meals, do the odd dishes and some laundry. DH does most of the dishes, ALL tidying up, some laundry, DIY and we have a cleaner.

Breastfeeding takes a lot out of you. DH needs to be taking care of you.

Sounds like you need to go on strike. If you're not willing to tell him to fuck off and do it himself if it's. It good enough. I'm not sure what to suggest.

He should be ashamed - maybe not of what he does, but of his stinking attitude.

Has your husband always been so horrible to you? You are recovering from major surgery as well as looking after a new born and toddler. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he’s a nasty bastard who doesn’t respect you. As others have said, consider going to stay with family so that you can recover properly. You shouldn’t be doing any housework that involves lifting or bending at the moment. In the longer term you need to think about whether to stay with this scumbag.

He better get used to it or take action.
You should only be focused on yourself and baby at this stage 4 weeks hard to have have time to make a cup tea of course reasonable to leave cup down while you head off sort baby.
I find now my kids older so much coming and going still hard to get house tidy up done as go along.
Take care

You are far from unreasonable! It was months before I hoovered the whole house with our son and clothes were mostly worn straight off the airer and never made it to be folded and put away, it sounds like you’re doing amazingly!

4wks pp I was sleeping as much as possible, managing to wash, feed, dress us & maybe keeping on top of the washing up & laundry.

That was after an easy birth!

Think husband was glad we were all getting through the days at that point!

Your husband is a cunt.

I’m coming up to 3 months pp and if my husband started pointing out all the stuff I’m personally not getting done he’d be told to crack on and do it himself. That goes for when I’m back at work too. Yeah he’s been at work all day but it doesn’t take much to say to his older child “come on kiddo let’s pick up all the toys off the floor”. Or just wash up the chopping board and put it away. Take less time to do it yourself than it would to point out it’s not been done.

Everyone is different and heals differently. 4 weeks post C-section, I wasn't really doing much to be honest. And my husband was looking after our older child. I'd have been extremely unimpressed if he mentioned anything about the house not being tidy enough

Four weeks post CS!!! He is a gold star twat of the highest order. "Have a productive day" indeed, yes, your day is productive - keeping your young baby ALIVE AND WELL. That is what your maternity leave is for, not to fucking well keep house!

If he wants a spotless house, he can bloody well pay for a cleaner. He has 2 kids for goodness sake. Wait till they're 6 and 2, he'll have the shock of his life if he thinks he'll manage a clutter free show home then!

What an asshole!
Tell him to get real...what an idiot, I'm raging for you op.🌷🌷

Slightly off topic:

Don't fall into the trap of him always looking after the eldest while you look after the baby.
He needs to take the baby frequently, so that he can bond with his second child whilst you maintain your relationship with your first.

"Yes Daring, very productive. Sign these divorce papers".

Sorry but he's being an absolute cunt

This is a bad sign. When I was with the baby few months in and trying to do everything, one day I realised I am so underslept that I fell on the floor. The husband came back and I told him what is done and what needs doing.

He tried to moan a bit but I declared it then and there that he start doing what he wants doing or see needs doing. A decade later, I have a properly developped house-husband who is able to do even more than 50% housework than me if the need will arise.

Tough love dear until they get it or leave
Life is short and I before I married ( which was late) already had enough time to have a practice run with another and decide what I DONT WANT from a man and what I want.

This!

He's being massively unreasonable. There's a reason it's called MATERNITY leave, not maid leave.

Your job is feeding your baby, which in the first year is more hours than a full time job, anything else is a bonus.

Next time he says it's untidy, I'd come back with, "Yes, and to be truthful it's quite lazy of you to let it get like this. Please tidy up so I can focus on your child."

“have a productive day”

He's a total cunt