Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

[LaurenOX]

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

I wholeheartedly agree with this.
A relative did this and was only bonded to the firstborn child who became the golden child to him. He pretty much ignored the subsequent children throughout their childhoods. It was awful for them and his wife and they eventually divorced- with this being a big factor in it.

Oh OP. I am 5 years post partum and my house is still a shit tip. You’re not his maid. Sounds like you are coping really well and doing too much already. He needs a kick up the arse.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. Go on strike and don’t do any housework except anything that benefits you and the children, ie yours and their washing, dinner for you and son

Ffs awful awful man. Your doing just fine op 💐

"Have a productive day", what you mean like sustaining an entire human life that you created from your body? Ask him how many people his body has provided a complete food source for today.

Just scrolled down and your actually 4 weeks pp, aagh even worse . Why can't he tidy up 🤯 if men had babies I feel the system would be set up very different.......has he tried having a baby on his boob on and off all day and then tried to clean the house, no so he has no idea if tidying the house is possible or not. Totally out of order

Thank you for pointing this out, it is something I worry about.

I try and maintain the bond with my first and do feel like I am doing so but I worry my husband isn’t bonding with our second as he did our first.

He had made comments about the baby not liking him or being redundant and I do worry that he is struggling to bond with him as our first was very ill at birth so he spent a lot of time at his bedside in NICU and helped tube feed and then bottle feed him.

As I say, I didn’t do this post to slate him he is amazing and I love him dearly he just has this controlling/obsessive streak over the house (which I think comes from growing up in a house which is cluttered and unkept). Reading the harsh words said about him has been tough but I needed to know I wasn’t being ridiculous to feel annoyed/upset.

I think we are both exhausted and the transition of 1-2 has been hard on us both but possibly more so on him if he is struggling to bond with our newest family member.

As far as I'm concerned the whole point of maternity leave is to look after the baby. That is currently your FT job in the same way that your husband's job is his job. So while he is at his job, you are at your job. Then when he is not at his job you both share the parental and domestic load for your family. You should not be running ragged 24/7 while he gets to work at most 10 hours a day and then takes it easy. Remind him that being on maternity leave does not make you his maid or domestic servant. You are doing your job already, and when he is home you look after the house, the children, and each other together.

Twat.

YANBU
I mean the doctor and HV specifically said no hoovering or mopping at all for 6 weeks post C section due to the movements damaging your back as your stomach muscles haven’t switched on properly. It was even in the leaflet from the hospital.

id focus on your recovery and the fact you’re doing childcare. He can get a cleaner if he’s not happy.

We have a 5 month old and a 5 year old. My husband has a 70 hour work week until Christmas day. He'd never say anything like that especially at this time of year! A home is supposed to be a cosy and welcoming place, not sterile and spotless.

Congratulations on your new arrival!
What I have noticed with posts which ask for advice on whether they are BU is that the OP gets shocked by the reactions (often rightly warranted) and then get defensive about their partner. Only you know him properly, but the overwhelming consensus is that lots of posters are galled by his attitude which you are too. You say he has issues with clutter, fine, he can help with that but to talk to you like that is really out of order, whether he is a good husband or a good dad.
Plan a chat with him soon.

He thinks a 4 week old baby "doesn't like him"? Do you not see how it's not acceptable for him to be "amazing" but also "controlling"?

You are in recovery from a serious operation with a tiny baby who is completely reliant on you and are already doing way more than you should be doing post C-section. A loving husband would be protecting you and your recovery, telling you to sit down and rest. He's putting his own selfish obsession with the house above the health and wellbeing of his wife and baby.

I can well understand why you don't want to leave him when you are a few weeks post-partum but I would be letting him read this thread and having a serious talk about how he plans to improve himself and be a better husband in future.

He is being entirely completely and utterly unreasonable.

When you have the strength to deal with this, I'd make it very clear to him that while I might be a housewife, I'm not a servant and at the very least I deserve a level of respect that he clearly isn't able to muster. You will have a long hard think about whether you want your children to grow up in a household where the wife and mother is seen as little more than a baby producing factory and a skivvy and he would do well to remember that!

He probably shouldn't have had kids if what he's looking for in his abode is a clean and tidy house. Kids are messy. They get messier as they get bigger.

He's really insensitive and I don't even remember what I was doing at 4 weeks post partum as I was going around in a haze. You're doing exceptionally well!

Aren't you supposed to rest for 6-8 weeks after a C-section?

Either way he is being very unreasonable. If my husband tried that shit, he wouldn't be eating from clean plates or have any clean clothes out of spite.

Prick!

I'd be so angry, I think I'd go on strike apart from looking after the kids! You're still recovering from the birth 4 weeks PP! Tell him if he doesn't like the mess, he can bloody tidy it up!

This. Looking after babies.toddlers is full on, let alone 4 weeks after cs. Your husband is being extremely unfair and I hope you are able to have a frank discussion . What is worrying is that he seems to lack any insight into the full on, exhausting schedule that you have. You absolutely should not feel any pressure to be engaging in housework to keep him happy, that will put you under enormous pressure. When I was at home with a baby, I was lucky to get a cup of hot tea, let alone anything else

Mine would be getting a fridge/freezer full of expressed milk to see how productive he can be while I went and rested at a spa for the weekend.

No man who leaves his 4 week post c-section wife with the words "have a productive day" is amazing. That man is just pissed off that his domestic machine seems to be malfunctioning from his carefully programmed routine.

My friend's husband was a bit like this until she went away for a weekend for a friend's wedding leaving him with a 5 month old. That shut him up big time as he suddenly realised there was no real down time being on your own with a little one. Looking after two is at least double the trouble.

Oh and like everyone else says, you shouldn't be hoovering and washing that soon after a c section.

You have had major abdominal surgery and shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than you baby for up to 6 weeks! I know people minimise c sections as the 'easy' way out but if you see how many layers they cut through and what those layers consist of ...........
Your husband is an inconsiderate arsehole and YANBU!

I’m 9 months postpartum and only have one child and I’m completely outraged on your behalf. He is being SO unreasonable.

My husband is similar to yours in that he hates clutter. I know having toys/baby equipment etc around the house all the time has been an adjustment for him, and I also like a tidy house so I try to tidy things as I go but this is not always possible. My husband has NEVER ONCE told me to tidy up or that I should be doing more when he’s at work, even when he’s walked into a bombsite.

If he’s overwhelmed by clutter he puts stuff away when he gets in from work without complaint, because he knows it’s there because the baby’s been playing, or I’ve been using it and haven’t had a chance to put it away. Your husband should do the same!

He cares more about the state of the house than he does about you. That's not ok.

What a prick. Don’t even dignify that shit with a response.

28 days after major surgery, breast feeding a baby, another child to care for and he expects a tidy house!! I’m raging on your behalf and if he were my son I’d be wiping the floor with him.
He wants tidiness, he tidies.

He’s main concern should be that you have enough energy to care for your children and yourself. My husband didn’t expect me to do any housework when I was at home with two little once and breastfeeding on demand. He doesn’t have a clue how much energy that takes. Drop your standards at home and enjoy your kids

@LaurenOX yes, you love your dh and he does his share in the home etc.

My dsis said the same as I sat and watched her dh belittle her with words.
She worshipped her dh.
He shopped, he cleaned and he worked a stressful job.
However he really thought that if he could do it then she should too. My dsis is a very disorganised person and eventually living with some one who was disappointed with her every single day became too much, after 15 years she left.

Your dh sounds just like my ex bil.
Tell him that you’re a team and your role atm is to keep 2 dc alive and safe.
Anything else is a bonus.