Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

264 replies

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

OP posts:
ThisIsSockward · 19/12/2024 12:06

Gross. 'Have a productive day'?! I'd go on strike after that, and he'd be lucky if I didn't tell him not to bother coming back home after work. Do only what you think truly needs to be done (that you can currently manage) and let everything else go. He can pick up the slack or let the standards drop a bit while you recover and adjust to the new situation.

OldieButBaddie · 19/12/2024 12:07

If he's so fucking anal why doesn't he pay for a daily cleaner or do it himself

Cookiesandcream1989 · 19/12/2024 12:07

Remind your husband that at 4 WEEKS post c-section you're not even supposed to be bending down!!! So technically, NOTHING should be tidy because if you can't grab it with your toes then you shouldn't be picking it up, and it needs to be his job to do that. And if he doesn't have time to tidy when he gets home from work (which is fair enough), he either needs to accept a bit of untidiness for the time being or pay for a cleaner to come and tidy up every other day.

thegrumpusch · 19/12/2024 12:09

To the bin with him!

SapphireOpal · 19/12/2024 12:10

Cookiesandcream1989 · 19/12/2024 12:07

Remind your husband that at 4 WEEKS post c-section you're not even supposed to be bending down!!! So technically, NOTHING should be tidy because if you can't grab it with your toes then you shouldn't be picking it up, and it needs to be his job to do that. And if he doesn't have time to tidy when he gets home from work (which is fair enough), he either needs to accept a bit of untidiness for the time being or pay for a cleaner to come and tidy up every other day.

This!

Am I reading right that you've been hoovering 4 weeks post section?!

MySweetGeorgina · 19/12/2024 12:10

Unfortunately he is a complete wanker

he has no idea how hard it is to be a mum of a bs y and a young child

he probable sees himself as a “provider bro”, and you as his subservient wife

with a man like this you HAVE to go back to work full time and for him to do 50% of all school pick ups and drop offs, sick days off with the kids etc etc as he will never respect a sahm

Blibbleflibble · 19/12/2024 12:11

I have to tell you OP, at 4 weeks my husband was doing 90% of the housework and bringing me cups of tea on the sofa. He also gets stressed by mess but he knew during that period, some things just have to give and if either of us couldn't manage to tidy because of work or baby then that was that.

He recognised not only had I had abdominal surgery but was taking care of a newborn baby whilst recovering from that. Your husband is a abusive fucking twat! None of these bastards that act like this towards their wives would be expecting to lift a finger at home if they'd been signed off work to recover after surgery.

peachesarenom · 19/12/2024 12:15

I'm so disappointed in your husband! What an arse!

DoIhavegreeneyes · 19/12/2024 12:16

Four WEEKS!
I think his behaviour is deliberately spiteful. Not just unreasonable.
So that everything heals better I think many would agree with me that you are doing too much work.
Please do less, rest more and if possible sleep more during the day.

OldMrBernardWhoHaveYouSilencedToday · 19/12/2024 12:18

There's no way on earth I could have done all that and looked after a tiny nursing baby without giving myself a nervous breakdown.

He's being beyond unreasonable.

Fwiw, I know someone who married a man like this. I remember seeing the panic on her face when he came home because there were (quite naturally) toys on the floor. She left him with her two young boys not long ago and she's already a lot happier. She's doing really well now.

ShouldIEvenBother · 19/12/2024 12:18

Mother, maid, mattress. Know your place and get scrubbing girl.

^This is how that vile little toad of man views you, OP. And he's absolutely fuming you've done a few nice things for yourself - how fucking dare you, why were you not on your knees scrub, scrub, scrubbing away?

Do not have a third child with this sorry excuse for a husband

Do not quit your job

Go back to work as soon as you can and siphon money away - as much as you can, as often as you can

You're not ready to run yet, this is clear, but I also think you know deep down this is not a good man. When you've had enough you go and make the solicitors appointment and do not doubt yourself.

Only a man in the running for misogynistic prick of the year would have his attitude. 💐

HooMoo · 19/12/2024 12:18

He sounds awful! Your house sounds pretty tidy tbh you should’ve seen our house when little one was that young!

TheBreak · 19/12/2024 12:19

SapphireOpal · 19/12/2024 12:10

This!

Am I reading right that you've been hoovering 4 weeks post section?!

Show quote history

Hoovering, mopping and dusting - it's chilling.

Aberentian · 19/12/2024 12:22

We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

Cunt.

SapphireOpal · 19/12/2024 12:24

TheBreak · 19/12/2024 12:19

Hoovering, mopping and dusting - it's chilling.

Show quote history

I was particularly horrified by the hoovering because of the weight of the hoover - I wouldn't have wanted to be hefting ours about post section! Maybe OP has one of those stick ones, but even so...

OP your husband is a total arse. You've just had major abdominal surgery and are caring for a newborn. He should be looking after you (including doing 90+ % of the housework), not telling you off for not being a good enough maid.

Pussycat22 · 19/12/2024 12:26

apostrophewoman · 19/12/2024 11:06

If my husband said that to me, I wouldn't explain or justify anything. I'd tell him to fuck right off with his opinions and if he's not happy, he can tidy the house himself.

Or sod off for good!!

SnapdragonToadflax · 19/12/2024 12:28

I'm afraid I am a petty bitch in cases like this and I wouldn't do a shred of housework until he had 1) apologised and 2) cleaned and tidied everything himself. Fortunately my partner is a decent man who does his fair share and only needs occasional reminders of my stubborn streak. I simply refuse to be the default housewife just because I have a vagina.

Four weeks post c-section I was still taking it very easy. I couldn't walk fast and I remember emptying the dishwasher and lifting binbags being particularly difficult - my partner did all the jobs I couldn't manage. You need to rest and let your body heal, especially if you're still bleeding. And I wasn't breastfeeding, you're using a huge amount of energy just doing that.

I hope your husband sees the reality of what he needs to do, and this doesn't need to end in divorce.

Hercisback1 · 19/12/2024 12:29

I'd want to kill him for "have a productive day".

Otoh you're both early days with 2 kids, both knackered and both finding a new path. Give him the chance to apologise.

Hercisback1 · 19/12/2024 12:30

Just realised you're HOOVERING AND MOPPING 4 weeks after a section. Stop that NOW.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 19/12/2024 12:31

"Have a productive day" wow! He is totally out of order. I would probably do the bare minimum today and see how that looks. Also order a takeaway for you and eat it before he gets home. So what if he is doing more, you are doing way more since having #2.

6-7 weeks post partum with twins then my husband suggested l "did more round the house" whilst he was at work 😡I did a couple of Keeping in Touch days at work and he flew solo all day. I didn't hear a peep from him after that about doing more housework as he realised how intense it is on your own. He didn't even have to recover from a c section or express milk / breastfeed

JustWalkingTheDogs · 19/12/2024 12:31

The things you listed as not being put away with a family of 4 is general day to day stuff. I'm impressed you've hoovered, cleaned bathrooms etc after having a c section only 4 weeks ago, I'm fairly sure you shouldn't be lifting or carrying at this point. Does he know that A-he's being ridiculous with his expectations and B- you've had major abdominal surgery

Rowen32 · 19/12/2024 12:31

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

What an absolute prick.

Sorry, didn't mean to quote!😆

Munchyseeds2 · 19/12/2024 12:32

I bet he couldn't move 4 weeks after having his belly cut open...let alone look after a EBF newborn and a toddler
Words fail me!

SnapdragonToadflax · 19/12/2024 12:32

Actually, if my partner said 'Have a productive day' at any time, when I knew that meant he disapproved of what I'd been doing and thought I should do more, I would go on strike. I do not take kindly to that kind of behaviour.

PinkCrab · 19/12/2024 12:34

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

I am 32 weeks pregnant, still very fit and well, able to walk the dog and get in the gym, and have no children to care for, currently exclusively WFH, and my husband wouldn’t so much as dream of coming home and making a comment about the state of the house…so you are absolutely NOT BU and he needs to show some appreciation for the fact you are spending your days keeping two human beings alive, anything else is a bonus.